Kristin
I'm death—Straight up.
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Ricecels finna have a field day with this one
My (32M) wife (35F) is suggesting we open our marriage to my childhood friend.
**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** u/ThrowRA0203220. He posted in r/relationship_advice
I added some paragraph breaks for readability.
**Trigger Warning:** >!racial fetishization!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!yikes!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/152ghhu/my_32m_wife_35f_is_suggesting_we_open_our/)**: July 17, 2023**
My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8, and now have 2 small kids together. She is the love of my life and I could not imagine myself with anyone else.
About 3 years into our marriage she started to show attraction to Asian characters in the shows and movies we watched together on our weekly movie nights. At first I brushed it off as a joke, but I realized she was serious about a month ago when we started watching Chicago Med. She joked often of wanting one of the characters, Dr. Choi, to be her doctor so he could "feel her up". I laughed along, until she insisted we stop watching when Dr. Choi got into a relationship with another doctor.
Thinking about it now, throughout our entire relationship Asian men caught her attention. For the past few years, she's been obsessed with popular "kpop" members, joking how she would rather be with Eric Mun and Jimin. Even going as far to say that she's disappointed she got stuck with a white man and that our babies aren't as cute. A friend of mine since childhood is Korean and visits with us often. He and my wife have become friends. I always thought she acted weird around him, but I never took it personally until last night.
As I was cleaning up dinner, she put the kids to bed and asked to sit down and have a talk about something important. I was hesitant, but agreed. She started it by saying that she didn't feel like our sex life was as fulfilling as it used to be. I was taken aback and asked what I could do to bring her more fulfillment. She suggested we bring in a third person into our sex life. I instantly knew she had someone in mind despite her denying it. After an hour of talking in circles she revealed she had been having sexual thoughts and urges regarding my childhood friend and she suggested I watch. I was stunned and told her I didn't want to discuss this anymore and slept in the living room.
She took the kids to school this morning and went to help her sister pack as she is moving soon. We haven't spoken since last night and I don't know what to do. I'm sat in my car outside my office writing this, I don't want to go home and see her knowing what she's thinking about. I think I want a divorce as she's clearly no longer the woman I fell in love with and I suspect she has already acted upon her urges with him. Is that too big of a jump over a sexual fantasy?TLDR: My wife suggested I watch her be intimate with my childhood friend. Is divorce too extreme of a response?**Edit:** Spoke with my friend and my wife after I returned home from work.**Edit 2:** I've now posted an update, I thank you all very much for the advice and support. To those of you stating this is some fake or fetish post, I am a grown man distraught over my marriage ending. Not a creep on the internet looking for pleasure over my “fake” wife cheating. I’m also not a 14 year old girl making up stories to waste people’s time.
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/159ui9p/update_my_32m_wife_35f_is_suggesting_we_open_our/)**: July 25, 2023 (8 days later)**
First of all I want to thank your community for the support. I'm sorry for the late update, things have been busy around my house.
To fill you all in relatively quickly, I returned home the night I made the post and my wife and I were still not speaking. I waited until she was putting the kids to bed to make a call to my friend, I wanted to talk to him alone. I slipped outside and made the call, I told him everything. He told me he was so sorry for me and that my wife's behavior was disgusting.
He then confessed to me that a few years into my wife and I's marriage she, drunk, made a move on him at a mutual friends party. It began as flirting and my friend was not entertaining it, she kissed him and he left the party early. I asked him why he never told me about it. He said he didn't want to ruin our marriage over something she did while drunk, they never spoke about it and continued as normal friends.
Now that a week has passed I figured out that this party aligns with the start of her strange behavior towards Asian men in media. I thanked him for sharing this with me and hung up. I immediately went inside and confronted my wife. I was officially disgusted with her for pushing a kiss on my friend and suggesting I watch her be with him. I told her exactly how I was feeling and what my friend had told me.
My wife admitted she only asked to open our bedroom to him because she has had feelings for him for years and wanted to keep herself from cheating on me. I explained that she already had, and wrecked the foundation of our relationship. I told her we were divorcing, not to try and stop me I was not changing my mind.
In the last week I have been staying with friends and family. She has done nothing but harass me via my number. I am proud to say I have given her no attention. I see her still while stopping by my house during the day for my kids, they are too young to understand what's going on. As I mentioned in my last post they attend a daycare/schooling program for young children during the summer as a result I never spend long in the house and typically leave while taking them there. She wont mention it Infront of them so it hasn't been as issue.
I have been seeking out a lawyer for divorce proceedings and looking for an apartment In my kids school district. I feel freed many of you were right, our marriage has been dead for a very long time. I'm not sure if I can ever see my friend the same way. I want to start therapy and try to work on it, he's been a very close friend since childhood and I would hate to lose him. My friends and family have been very supportive, so have most of you on reddit. You've helped me very much and made me feel valid in my feelings. I thank you all for that.
TLDR: I am going through with divorcing my wife after she suggested we open our marriage to my childhood friend.
**Edit:** Thank you all so much for advice on not leaving the house. I will be returning to spending nights there immediately. I don’t want to risk losing my kids.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Get back to the house immediately, as it could be seen as you abandoning the kids and the house:*
"thank you for telling me this, I only do not sleep at the house. I go while my kids are there and leave while they’re gone and spend the nights away. the home is owned by my wife’s parents so she is not leaving. I am there everyday. Their daycare/schooling program has those who drop off their children sign them in with both the child’s name and yours. This is proof I have been seeing my kids for the last week and driving them there. I have this and many photos of my children from this last week. This situation is extremely temporary as I now have a move in date for an apartment near by. Does this all work well for me ? I really doubt she will fight me on custody at all in the brief conversations we have had she brought up our kids and what to do. we seem to agree 50/50 is the correct thing."
*Fetish:*
"I am replying to comments regarding legal help or advice about what to do with my wife and kids. I am not replying to comments about her having a fetish. I think you’re all correct about that, but it is not my focus in any way. I’m worried about my children."
My (32M) wife (35F) is suggesting we open our marriage to my childhood friend.
**I am NOT the Original Poster. That is** u/ThrowRA0203220. He posted in r/relationship_advice
I added some paragraph breaks for readability.
**Trigger Warning:** >!racial fetishization!<
**Mood Spoiler:** >!yikes!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/152ghhu/my_32m_wife_35f_is_suggesting_we_open_our/)**: July 17, 2023**
My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8, and now have 2 small kids together. She is the love of my life and I could not imagine myself with anyone else.
About 3 years into our marriage she started to show attraction to Asian characters in the shows and movies we watched together on our weekly movie nights. At first I brushed it off as a joke, but I realized she was serious about a month ago when we started watching Chicago Med. She joked often of wanting one of the characters, Dr. Choi, to be her doctor so he could "feel her up". I laughed along, until she insisted we stop watching when Dr. Choi got into a relationship with another doctor.
Thinking about it now, throughout our entire relationship Asian men caught her attention. For the past few years, she's been obsessed with popular "kpop" members, joking how she would rather be with Eric Mun and Jimin. Even going as far to say that she's disappointed she got stuck with a white man and that our babies aren't as cute. A friend of mine since childhood is Korean and visits with us often. He and my wife have become friends. I always thought she acted weird around him, but I never took it personally until last night.
As I was cleaning up dinner, she put the kids to bed and asked to sit down and have a talk about something important. I was hesitant, but agreed. She started it by saying that she didn't feel like our sex life was as fulfilling as it used to be. I was taken aback and asked what I could do to bring her more fulfillment. She suggested we bring in a third person into our sex life. I instantly knew she had someone in mind despite her denying it. After an hour of talking in circles she revealed she had been having sexual thoughts and urges regarding my childhood friend and she suggested I watch. I was stunned and told her I didn't want to discuss this anymore and slept in the living room.
She took the kids to school this morning and went to help her sister pack as she is moving soon. We haven't spoken since last night and I don't know what to do. I'm sat in my car outside my office writing this, I don't want to go home and see her knowing what she's thinking about. I think I want a divorce as she's clearly no longer the woman I fell in love with and I suspect she has already acted upon her urges with him. Is that too big of a jump over a sexual fantasy?TLDR: My wife suggested I watch her be intimate with my childhood friend. Is divorce too extreme of a response?**Edit:** Spoke with my friend and my wife after I returned home from work.**Edit 2:** I've now posted an update, I thank you all very much for the advice and support. To those of you stating this is some fake or fetish post, I am a grown man distraught over my marriage ending. Not a creep on the internet looking for pleasure over my “fake” wife cheating. I’m also not a 14 year old girl making up stories to waste people’s time.
**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/159ui9p/update_my_32m_wife_35f_is_suggesting_we_open_our/)**: July 25, 2023 (8 days later)**
First of all I want to thank your community for the support. I'm sorry for the late update, things have been busy around my house.
To fill you all in relatively quickly, I returned home the night I made the post and my wife and I were still not speaking. I waited until she was putting the kids to bed to make a call to my friend, I wanted to talk to him alone. I slipped outside and made the call, I told him everything. He told me he was so sorry for me and that my wife's behavior was disgusting.
He then confessed to me that a few years into my wife and I's marriage she, drunk, made a move on him at a mutual friends party. It began as flirting and my friend was not entertaining it, she kissed him and he left the party early. I asked him why he never told me about it. He said he didn't want to ruin our marriage over something she did while drunk, they never spoke about it and continued as normal friends.
Now that a week has passed I figured out that this party aligns with the start of her strange behavior towards Asian men in media. I thanked him for sharing this with me and hung up. I immediately went inside and confronted my wife. I was officially disgusted with her for pushing a kiss on my friend and suggesting I watch her be with him. I told her exactly how I was feeling and what my friend had told me.
My wife admitted she only asked to open our bedroom to him because she has had feelings for him for years and wanted to keep herself from cheating on me. I explained that she already had, and wrecked the foundation of our relationship. I told her we were divorcing, not to try and stop me I was not changing my mind.
In the last week I have been staying with friends and family. She has done nothing but harass me via my number. I am proud to say I have given her no attention. I see her still while stopping by my house during the day for my kids, they are too young to understand what's going on. As I mentioned in my last post they attend a daycare/schooling program for young children during the summer as a result I never spend long in the house and typically leave while taking them there. She wont mention it Infront of them so it hasn't been as issue.
I have been seeking out a lawyer for divorce proceedings and looking for an apartment In my kids school district. I feel freed many of you were right, our marriage has been dead for a very long time. I'm not sure if I can ever see my friend the same way. I want to start therapy and try to work on it, he's been a very close friend since childhood and I would hate to lose him. My friends and family have been very supportive, so have most of you on reddit. You've helped me very much and made me feel valid in my feelings. I thank you all for that.
TLDR: I am going through with divorcing my wife after she suggested we open our marriage to my childhood friend.
**Edit:** Thank you all so much for advice on not leaving the house. I will be returning to spending nights there immediately. I don’t want to risk losing my kids.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Get back to the house immediately, as it could be seen as you abandoning the kids and the house:*
"thank you for telling me this, I only do not sleep at the house. I go while my kids are there and leave while they’re gone and spend the nights away. the home is owned by my wife’s parents so she is not leaving. I am there everyday. Their daycare/schooling program has those who drop off their children sign them in with both the child’s name and yours. This is proof I have been seeing my kids for the last week and driving them there. I have this and many photos of my children from this last week. This situation is extremely temporary as I now have a move in date for an apartment near by. Does this all work well for me ? I really doubt she will fight me on custody at all in the brief conversations we have had she brought up our kids and what to do. we seem to agree 50/50 is the correct thing."
*Fetish:*
"I am replying to comments regarding legal help or advice about what to do with my wife and kids. I am not replying to comments about her having a fetish. I think you’re all correct about that, but it is not my focus in any way. I’m worried about my children."
