Struggling with connection

[Gs.]

During the last years, ive had a, theorically, flawless social life. My looks and the way i speak and present myself have bough me a huge and almost influential social circle

The only way i was capable of achieving such prowess is being good with my words, to tell people what they want to hear, to be able to awaken some distorted sense of shallow connection that the average normie looks for, it is disgustingly easy to influence people, which is, in some sort of way, addicting

But what does that land me? No Real relationships, only shallow, meaningless interactions

As if im almost incapable of forming an actually real relationship, something that sparks that almost magical, fictional, feeling of connection. To feel, love, anger, guilt, happiness, sadness. To kiss someone and feel as if you were meant to be, to long for someone that you havent seen, to relinquish being pulled apart, to savour every moment with them

Ive had a lot, multiple girls, who've had show interest on me, but i was never interested in them in any way besides social gain, what led me to being unable form that kind of connection that i yearn so much for, i always end up with something shallow that doesnt last for too long, either the girl herself loses interest in me after realising in not the person she fantasized about based on my looks, the girl realizes im an neurodivergent autist, or i slowly pull away from them as i realize its not going to work, im not interested in dragging meaningless boring relationships that wont give me what i want, what i need

This feeling of detachedness makes me despise every single social interaction i have, it turned me into someone thats bitter, into someone whos not even real, a bad person, and that goes through my mask, i barely talk to people now, i ignore friends, i ignore messages, all i do is rot alone in my room and rant in the internet, i barely eat, i am unable to sleep, everytime i have to go somewhere and put this mask on it makes me feel horrible, im nice, polite, charismatic, Yet, when in retrospect with who i really am, im the opposite, and thats disgusting

I am developing a new relationship with a girl right now, i dont know what to do, i do not feel anything towards her, im just looking for something new in hopes to find that feeling, i barely talk to her, she has lets me do whatever i want to her, we text sometimes, nothing meaningful, just boring stuff

I want her to want me, the real me, the person who i am, i want her to desire ME and long for ME, i want to make her mine

But how can i?
How can i be real?
how can i talk?

Its like i lost myself and dont know who i truly even am anymore

What can i do to spark something with her?
How can i go further than just short term sexual atraction?
How can i not lose her like i lost every single one of them?

I genuinely ask for advice, this kind of connection is the only thing ive been looking for a long time, i need something real, i need someone real

.

 

[Gs.]

^

 

[ai.upscale]

I feel the exact same way. I looksmaxxed and I look way better now, I can "fit in" into any group of people, at least for a short time, but I never had a genuine connection, not even with my parents, this shit is heavy.

I get better at masking and pretending but then I ask myself, what is the point of all of this if it just hollows me out more?

 

[Gs.]

I feel the exact same way. I looksmaxxed and I look way better now, I can "fit in" into any group of people, at least for a short time, but I never had a genuine connection, not even with my parents, this shit is heavy.

I get better at masking and pretending but then I ask myself, what is the point of all of this if it just hollows me out more?

we are similar in some ways

i think we have been doomed to live our entire lifes looking for something that we'll never find, love, genuine love

as children we have been starved of affection. friendships, social stimuli, our brains did not develop properly, because, we have been born different

never able to feel, never able to relate

lookism made me open my eyes about the world, i genuinely get so much female attention, still, im unable to create genuine bonds

never felt interest toward anyone
girls only like people like us for our shells, they like who we show, not who we are, because who we are, atleast in my case, is someone whos not worthy of love, someone bitter

i think we just have to keep looking, one day we might find the right person.

giving up should never be the answer, even when its soo tempting

 

[ai.upscale]

we are similar in some ways

i think we have been doomed to live our entire lifes looking for something that we'll never find, love, genuine love

as children we have been starved of affection. friendships, social stimuli, our brains did not develop properly, because, we have been born different

never able to feel, never able to relate

lookism made me open my eyes about the world, i genuinely get so much female attention, still, im unable to create genuine bonds

never felt interest toward anyone
girls only like people like us for our shells, they like who we show, not who we are, because who we are, atleast in my case, is someone whos not worthy of love, someone bitter

i think we just have to keep looking, one day we might find the right person.

giving up should never be the answer, even when its soo tempting

Yea def never give up, that shit is for normies.
I have never looked at a girl and thought "I could spend my whole life with her", there was once of twice a girl that I could lookswise "endure" for a long time.
Making friends is even worse, cuz at least in first case you can fuck, in second case it is required to not look like a lonely weirdo but all you get from it is more hours where u have to wear the mask.
The good thing is, if you spend enough time pretending and getting to know new people, chances of meeting someone like you are higher, that's why you should never give up