@illusion mad react him this time@illusion give him another
OST so peak I genuinely shed a tear to that song the first time I beat the game
now play mods until all you can think of is doki doki.OST so peak I genuinely shed a tear to that song the first time I beat the game
then I made 3 of my hbs play it on call God I love doki doki
If you jump onto concrete your remains are going to splatter onto dirt, trash, and debris. Why would you want your body to be covered in filth after your death? Thats gross
another goat found on the forum i seeNatsuki and chill
also Sayori is the best doki u have good taste @Sayori
A man with a rep farm so profitable they wanted him dead!First off, before we get into the content of the thread, I'd like to apologize for the lack of my usual style of posts, especially as it is Men's Mental Health Awareness Month, I am terribly sorry. I wish you all a happy, fulfilling month, and I will do my best to push out good quality threads.
View attachment 5185172
________
I've always been interested in the different ways people tragically choose to end their own lives, one of the most common ones I've seen (especially in media) in suicide by jumping (specifically into water, the classic bridge trope.) Based on global public health data, it is estimated that between 2,500 and 10,000 people die by suicide annually by jumping off bridges into water globally and an estimated 10,000 to 40,000 people attempt suicide by jumping off bridges into water each year globally. This gives jumping off bridges/water roughly a 10 - 25% kill rate, which is extremely low considering you're risking absolutely everything (if you survive, you'll be disabled by life.)
View attachment 5184945
Since suffocation is a horrifying concept to me (which drowning is a form of,) I've always wanted to know what exactly people feel when they:
1. Jump off
2. Are falling through the air
3. Hit the water
4. Go under
The main reason for wanting to know this is simply because since it is a somewhat common method (popularized by the media,) I need to be able to connect with people who claim to want to attempt it, and I need to be able to know what exactly goes on so I may contribute meaningful information to the individual and give them the opportunity to reconsider, and hopefully go forth with their lives instead of committing suicide.
I have a decent bit of information on what goes through the head of someone who attempts suicide by this method, due to a popular study done on survivors of people who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. I'll restate my point in my original Anti - Suicide Megathread below:
"A very common shared statement and experience from people who have survived things like jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to end their life is instant regret, nearly 100% of survivors state that the moment they jumped they "immediately felt like every single problem in their life was fixable." This is a shared, universal experience by all suicide survivors. This is something you will feel no matter what the second you jump because the depressive brain fog immediately disappears without a trace and is replaced by your hyper-aware conscious, which doesn't want to die."
However, this is not enough. It is not enough to simply tell someone what they "may" feel during an attempt, I must know exactly what goes on so I may fully convey the information to them. (Although in this case, they will 100% feel it, but most people wont believe that due to, again, brain fog clouding their judgement.)
________
So a while back, I was out at night with a few friends, at a small boardwalk where the water was somewhat shallow, not shallow enough to kill you from a jump, but shallow enough that jumping at any given time would be safe. I had decided that this would've been the perfect time to gather all the information I needed to see what people truly felt during an attempt. This was during somewhat neutral weather, and the water wasn't the coldest that it could've been for the time of year, meaning the results I'd gain would be applicable to what you'd generally feel if you went through with suicide by jumping at any other time of year.
I was clothed somewhat comfortably (thicker sweatpants with a longsleeve) so my jump is a better case scenario, meaning that an actual attempt would feel much more uncomfortable throughout it than mine. I did this somewhat strategically because I want to show off a "best case scenario" for an attempt, because since I know that it's going to be extremely uncomfortable no matter what, I should still have the advantage of saying that it is "better off for me that you or someone else that attempts." My weight and height are matched decently with each other so there's no wild irregularities (I'm not obese nor am I deathly skinny,) going on that would sabotage the otherwise reputable results I would be striving to reach.
_______
I will go through my experience and findings for each of the categories I mentioned wanting to feel/explore. But firstly, some general questions need to be answered.
So firstly,
Why did I go at night?
I went at night because bridge attempts, especially at ones that have a solid chance of killing you, cannot be attempted throughout the day most of the time due to the availability of other people who can and are fully motivated to save you. Night time is the only time you have a true shot at succeeding an attempt.
What height did I jump from?
I jumped from a height of roughly 12 - 14 feet. The water was shallow enough for there not to be any significant risk of currents or any other water-based risks messing me up (so I was safe.)
How deep was the water?
It was roughly 12 - 13 feet deep. The area I went to had very calm water and it takes a while for it to get deep.
Was I safe? What were my safety measures?
I was safe. The water was calm, and there were no currents (visible nor hidden) in the water nor any other water-based risk. And on top of that, I had quite a few of my friends with me so I would've been fine (hopefully) if anything went south.
How did I explain my behavior to my friends?
Of course, jumping into water at night fully clothed is something which is stupid to normies. My chosen method for explaining my behavior was simple, I made up a dare with one specific friend, and purposefully lost it so I was "forced" to go through with what we agreed on, which was "loser has to jump off the boardwalk into the water fully clothed."
What was my mental state going into this?
I had gone through a home-made psychiatric mental state switch where I attempted to get into the mind of someone that truly wanted to commit suicide. While I couldn't replicate it fully, I do think that I did make some decent progress which affected the "realness" of my attempt compared to what I would've felt if I had just gone through normally.
___________
Before I get into what I felt, I have to give one major disclaimer:
Do not try this at home. I can’t stress enough how dangerous something like this is, even in a controlled environment. I went through with this because I am extremely low inhib with this type of stuff and I truly care about my work and studies. While I was in a safe environment, I absolutely could and was risking my life.
Without any further ado, let's get into my experience.
_______
1. The Jump Off
My dare had a secondary purpose, it built up suspense of a sort, so I got a somewhat similar (although heavily weakened compared to a true suicide jump) hit of adrenaline all throughout getting ready and the jumping off itself.
Getting up and stabilizing myself on the other side of the bench felt crazy, to say the least. Maybe it's because it was somewhat premeditated so I had been tense about it for a while. Whatever the reason was, it was scary. It wasn't the type of adrenaline where you feel like you can do anything, it was the type where you are shivery/stuttery, if that makes any sense. Kind of what a hare may feel when cornered by a wolf, that's the best way I could put it. It didn't feel liberating whatsoever. Although I knew that I wasn't going to die, I was still shaking.
One thing nobody ever mentions is how dark it truly is, even for water which I knew was safe, calm, and shallow, it was horrifying to look at. It felt as if I was looking into the void. It was extremely dark, I couldn't see anything below whatsoever. It could've been darker if it weren't for streetlamps, but for what it was, it was extremely dark. To give an idea, this is what it was like, but a little darker:
View attachment 5185044
So after all the shaking, I finally managed to muster up enough courage to jump off. Whatever anyone has ever said about "brain fog clearing" when you jump off wasn't lying, I felt regret the millisecond my hands left the rails. The adrenaline was crazy, while the fall itself was relatively short (roughly a second,) I can remember every millisecond of it. Any thought anyone would have of suicide, life problems, or any other issue would instantly be cleared by the nature of falling off (which is exactly how it was in my case, although it was a premeditated, safe "practice dummy attempt.")
2. Falling Through The Air
Interestingly, the strongest rush was right as I left the rails and by the end of it, it kind of felt somewhat calm, like I was a bird of some sort, a really heavy one. A stupid way of describing it would be how the birds from the movie "Angry Birds" would feel, as they flew through the sky yet they couldn't fly. As I previously stated, the first thing I felt as I fell was regret. I fell feet first, and I kept my eyes straight down at the water. It felt as if I was falling for longer than the time period that I was in the air in (which was roughly a second, as previously stated.) Since I had put myself a more "depressed" state of mind, I could feel a more authentic feeling to what an actual jumper would feel. The first thing that came to my mind was "What am I doing?" It felt so surreal to actually be doing it, since I had thought about trying it out for quite a long time before actually doing it. Whatever I felt, would be amplified 100 times over by someone who intended to die and had likely thought about it much deeper, for a much longer period of time. None of what I felt was good, it all felt so cold and shaky. The environment made everything much worse, as I stated before, it was pitch black.
3. Hitting The Water
What I felt was something that I expected, but not to the degree of what I actually felt, it was unimaginable. To learn more about what I was going to experience, I had previously read a book and done some research about the Titanic, and what the survivors felt during the sinking with how the water and the weather was.
The most common statement was that jumping into the water felt like "a thousand daggers being plunged into you, all at once." Of course, the Titanic's crash took place in the Atlantic, at night, so it was extremely cold then, so I figured that what I would feel, would be a much milder, stable variant of what they felt. I was wrong. Hitting the water hurt, everything felt uncomfortable, my clothes were all wet, everything felt soggy, once I hit it, it felt as if I was being stabbed, everywhere, all at once, just like the book said.
Imagine going through this, but in the water so you're incredibly wet, heavy, and you have this crazy drive to live. That is what it felt like.
View attachment 5185192
It was the most painful, horrifying thing I had ever experienced throughout my entire life. Bear in mind, the water wasn't even that cold, so an actual attempt in a designated area would feel much worse than what I felt.
4. Going Under
After the initial hit, you feel this crazy, animalistic surge of force that drives you to live. It's pure instinct, I fought my way up immediately. It was pitch black, I couldn't see anything at all, I honestly did feel like I was going to die, water was in nose and mouth, and my eyes were wide open in the water so it was extremely confusing because I saw blurry nothingness. I was coughing while underwater and the water in my lungs and mouth created this crazy burning sensation everywhere inside me.
It took roughly 20 - 30 seconds for everything to calm down and for me to get to my senses and push my way back to the shore. It felt less like an experiment and more like I had actually just tried to kill myself. It was by no doubt, the worst experience I had ever been through throughout my entire life. I was shaking for quite a while after it.
______
Afterthoughts:
I can’t even imagine what an actual attempt must be like. No matter how bad your life is, you want to live at your core. You will be horrified, shaking, and desperate for a way out. Keep in mind that my experience was a very mild one. My jump was roughly 5 - 25 times less than the average for suicide jumps. So essentially, take everything I experienced and multiply it by 25, and that’s what someone feels during a jumping attempt. Horrifying.
My heart breaks for all who’ve attempted this, whether they succeeded or not, this is a horrible way to go.
_____
Whether it is in this Men’s Mental Health Month, or any time throughout the year during your life, remember that there is always a way out, always a light at the end of the tunnel. Never give up, always keep pushing. The future holds your happiness, your peace, you must just strive to reach it.
If any of you ever do feel horrible, like you may want to hurt yourself or do something bad, or just need someone to talk to, please know that I am always here. You may always send me a message and I will be glad to speak with you. I deeply care for all of you and it would be the worst thing on Earth for any of you to pass if there is anything that can be done at all. I love you all, no matter who you are.
Although it is cliché now, here’s my broader megathread on the truth of suicide, if you ever need to know how it truly is, please go read it:
ANTI - SUICIDE MEGATHREAD - THE TRUTH ABOUT SUICIDE & METHODS + HUNDREDS OF REASONS TO LIVE ITS NEVER OVER (LIFEMAXXING GTFIH)
The topic of suicide is one of the disgustingly romanticized pieces shown in media in the world, overtime this has made it so suicide is viewed as a global "exit" button, a way out when you have nowhere to go. However this is very far from the truth, filmmakers themselves often depict suicide...looksmax.org
You are special.
Your life holds value beyond anything you or anyone else can comprehend.
Never give up.
The world is yours.
@Hernan @tuberculosisinmybal @Pony I’m not sure if this is the usually decent quality material deserving to get pinned, but if it could be pinned, I believe it would help people.
@Sayori @Jgns
read it allFirst off, before we get into the content of the thread, I'd like to apologize for the lack of my usual style of posts, especially as it is Men's Mental Health Awareness Month, I am terribly sorry. I wish you all a happy, fulfilling month, and I will do my best to push out good quality threads.
View attachment 5185172
________
I've always been interested in the different ways people tragically choose to end their own lives, one of the most common ones I've seen (especially in media) in suicide by jumping (specifically into water, the classic bridge trope.) Based on global public health data, it is estimated that between 2,500 and 10,000 people die by suicide annually by jumping off bridges into water globally and an estimated 10,000 to 40,000 people attempt suicide by jumping off bridges into water each year globally. This gives jumping off bridges/water roughly a 10 - 25% kill rate, which is extremely low considering you're risking absolutely everything (if you survive, you'll be disabled by life.)
View attachment 5184945
Since suffocation is a horrifying concept to me (which drowning is a form of,) I've always wanted to know what exactly people feel when they:
1. Jump off
2. Are falling through the air
3. Hit the water
4. Go under
The main reason for wanting to know this is simply because since it is a somewhat common method (popularized by the media,) I need to be able to connect with people who claim to want to attempt it, and I need to be able to know what exactly goes on so I may contribute meaningful information to the individual and give them the opportunity to reconsider, and hopefully go forth with their lives instead of committing suicide.
I have a decent bit of information on what goes through the head of someone who attempts suicide by this method, due to a popular study done on survivors of people who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. I'll restate my point in my original Anti - Suicide Megathread below:
"A very common shared statement and experience from people who have survived things like jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to end their life is instant regret, nearly 100% of survivors state that the moment they jumped they "immediately felt like every single problem in their life was fixable." This is a shared, universal experience by all suicide survivors. This is something you will feel no matter what the second you jump because the depressive brain fog immediately disappears without a trace and is replaced by your hyper-aware conscious, which doesn't want to die."
However, this is not enough. It is not enough to simply tell someone what they "may" feel during an attempt, I must know exactly what goes on so I may fully convey the information to them. (Although in this case, they will 100% feel it, but most people wont believe that due to, again, brain fog clouding their judgement.)
________
So a while back, I was out at night with a few friends, at a small boardwalk where the water was somewhat shallow, not shallow enough to kill you from a jump, but shallow enough that jumping at any given time would be safe. I had decided that this would've been the perfect time to gather all the information I needed to see what people truly felt during an attempt. This was during somewhat neutral weather, and the water wasn't the coldest that it could've been for the time of year, meaning the results I'd gain would be applicable to what you'd generally feel if you went through with suicide by jumping at any other time of year.
I was clothed somewhat comfortably (thicker sweatpants with a longsleeve) so my jump is a better case scenario, meaning that an actual attempt would feel much more uncomfortable throughout it than mine. I did this somewhat strategically because I want to show off a "best case scenario" for an attempt, because since I know that it's going to be extremely uncomfortable no matter what, I should still have the advantage of saying that it is "better off for me that you or someone else that attempts." My weight and height are matched decently with each other so there's no wild irregularities (I'm not obese nor am I deathly skinny,) going on that would sabotage the otherwise reputable results I would be striving to reach.
_______
I will go through my experience and findings for each of the categories I mentioned wanting to feel/explore. But firstly, some general questions need to be answered.
So firstly,
Why did I go at night?
I went at night because bridge attempts, especially at ones that have a solid chance of killing you, cannot be attempted throughout the day most of the time due to the availability of other people who can and are fully motivated to save you. Night time is the only time you have a true shot at succeeding an attempt.
What height did I jump from?
I jumped from a height of roughly 12 - 14 feet. The water was shallow enough for there not to be any significant risk of currents or any other water-based risks messing me up (so I was safe.)
How deep was the water?
It was roughly 12 - 13 feet deep. The area I went to had very calm water and it takes a while for it to get deep.
Was I safe? What were my safety measures?
I was safe. The water was calm, and there were no currents (visible nor hidden) in the water nor any other water-based risk. And on top of that, I had quite a few of my friends with me so I would've been fine (hopefully) if anything went south.
How did I explain my behavior to my friends?
Of course, jumping into water at night fully clothed is something which is stupid to normies. My chosen method for explaining my behavior was simple, I made up a dare with one specific friend, and purposefully lost it so I was "forced" to go through with what we agreed on, which was "loser has to jump off the boardwalk into the water fully clothed."
What was my mental state going into this?
I had gone through a home-made psychiatric mental state switch where I attempted to get into the mind of someone that truly wanted to commit suicide. While I couldn't replicate it fully, I do think that I did make some decent progress which affected the "realness" of my attempt compared to what I would've felt if I had just gone through normally.
___________
Before I get into what I felt, I have to give one major disclaimer:
Do not try this at home. I can’t stress enough how dangerous something like this is, even in a controlled environment. I went through with this because I am extremely low inhib with this type of stuff and I truly care about my work and studies. While I was in a safe environment, I absolutely could and was risking my life.
Without any further ado, let's get into my experience.
_______
1. The Jump Off
My dare had a secondary purpose, it built up suspense of a sort, so I got a somewhat similar (although heavily weakened compared to a true suicide jump) hit of adrenaline all throughout getting ready and the jumping off itself.
Getting up and stabilizing myself on the other side of the bench felt crazy, to say the least. Maybe it's because it was somewhat premeditated so I had been tense about it for a while. Whatever the reason was, it was scary. It wasn't the type of adrenaline where you feel like you can do anything, it was the type where you are shivery/stuttery, if that makes any sense. Kind of what a hare may feel when cornered by a wolf, that's the best way I could put it. It didn't feel liberating whatsoever. Although I knew that I wasn't going to die, I was still shaking.
One thing nobody ever mentions is how dark it truly is, even for water which I knew was safe, calm, and shallow, it was horrifying to look at. It felt as if I was looking into the void. It was extremely dark, I couldn't see anything below whatsoever. It could've been darker if it weren't for streetlamps, but for what it was, it was extremely dark. To give an idea, this is what it was like, but a little darker:
View attachment 5185044
So after all the shaking, I finally managed to muster up enough courage to jump off. Whatever anyone has ever said about "brain fog clearing" when you jump off wasn't lying, I felt regret the millisecond my hands left the rails. The adrenaline was crazy, while the fall itself was relatively short (roughly a second,) I can remember every millisecond of it. Any thought anyone would have of suicide, life problems, or any other issue would instantly be cleared by the nature of falling off (which is exactly how it was in my case, although it was a premeditated, safe "practice dummy attempt.")
2. Falling Through The Air
Interestingly, the strongest rush was right as I left the rails and by the end of it, it kind of felt somewhat calm, like I was a bird of some sort, a really heavy one. A stupid way of describing it would be how the birds from the movie "Angry Birds" would feel, as they flew through the sky yet they couldn't fly. As I previously stated, the first thing I felt as I fell was regret. I fell feet first, and I kept my eyes straight down at the water. It felt as if I was falling for longer than the time period that I was in the air in (which was roughly a second, as previously stated.) Since I had put myself a more "depressed" state of mind, I could feel a more authentic feeling to what an actual jumper would feel. The first thing that came to my mind was "What am I doing?" It felt so surreal to actually be doing it, since I had thought about trying it out for quite a long time before actually doing it. Whatever I felt, would be amplified 100 times over by someone who intended to die and had likely thought about it much deeper, for a much longer period of time. None of what I felt was good, it all felt so cold and shaky. The environment made everything much worse, as I stated before, it was pitch black.
3. Hitting The Water
What I felt was something that I expected, but not to the degree of what I actually felt, it was unimaginable. To learn more about what I was going to experience, I had previously read a book and done some research about the Titanic, and what the survivors felt during the sinking with how the water and the weather was.
The most common statement was that jumping into the water felt like "a thousand daggers being plunged into you, all at once." Of course, the Titanic's crash took place in the Atlantic, at night, so it was extremely cold then, so I figured that what I would feel, would be a much milder, stable variant of what they felt. I was wrong. Hitting the water hurt, everything felt uncomfortable, my clothes were all wet, everything felt soggy, once I hit it, it felt as if I was being stabbed, everywhere, all at once, just like the book said.
Imagine going through this, but in the water so you're incredibly wet, heavy, and you have this crazy drive to live. That is what it felt like.
View attachment 5185192
It was the most painful, horrifying thing I had ever experienced throughout my entire life. Bear in mind, the water wasn't even that cold, so an actual attempt in a designated area would feel much worse than what I felt.
4. Going Under
After the initial hit, you feel this crazy, animalistic surge of force that drives you to live. It's pure instinct, I fought my way up immediately. It was pitch black, I couldn't see anything at all, I honestly did feel like I was going to die, water was in nose and mouth, and my eyes were wide open in the water so it was extremely confusing because I saw blurry nothingness. I was coughing while underwater and the water in my lungs and mouth created this crazy burning sensation everywhere inside me.
It took roughly 20 - 30 seconds for everything to calm down and for me to get to my senses and push my way back to the shore. It felt less like an experiment and more like I had actually just tried to kill myself. It was by no doubt, the worst experience I had ever been through throughout my entire life. I was shaking for quite a while after it.
______
Afterthoughts:
I can’t even imagine what an actual attempt must be like. No matter how bad your life is, you want to live at your core. You will be horrified, shaking, and desperate for a way out. Keep in mind that my experience was a very mild one. My jump was roughly 5 - 25 times less than the average for suicide jumps. So essentially, take everything I experienced and multiply it by 25, and that’s what someone feels during a jumping attempt. Horrifying.
My heart breaks for all who’ve attempted this, whether they succeeded or not, this is a horrible way to go.
_____
Whether it is in this Men’s Mental Health Month, or any time throughout the year during your life, remember that there is always a way out, always a light at the end of the tunnel. Never give up, always keep pushing. The future holds your happiness, your peace, you must just strive to reach it.
If any of you ever do feel horrible, like you may want to hurt yourself or do something bad, or just need someone to talk to, please know that I am always here. You may always send me a message and I will be glad to speak with you. I deeply care for all of you and it would be the worst thing on Earth for any of you to pass if there is anything that can be done at all. I love you all, no matter who you are.
Although it is cliché now, here’s my broader megathread on the truth of suicide, if you ever need to know how it truly is, please go read it:
ANTI - SUICIDE MEGATHREAD - THE TRUTH ABOUT SUICIDE & METHODS + HUNDREDS OF REASONS TO LIVE ITS NEVER OVER (LIFEMAXXING GTFIH)
The topic of suicide is one of the disgustingly romanticized pieces shown in media in the world, overtime this has made it so suicide is viewed as a global "exit" button, a way out when you have nowhere to go. However this is very far from the truth, filmmakers themselves often depict suicide...
You are special.
Your life holds value beyond anything you or anyone else can comprehend.
Never give up.
The world is yours.
@Hernan @tuberculosisinmybal @Pony I’m not sure if this is the usually decent quality material deserving to get pinned, but if it could be pinned, I believe it would help people.
@Sayori @Jgns
this is a mog thread, why would you take a big risk using jumping as a method.
Mirin this thread but holy shit nigga thats INSANE. That visual is insanely horrifying going through like that much less something 25x worse and having an only one in ten to at most a 1 in 4 chance of dieing seems kinda subconsciously intended. Like the person thats abt to commit hates theirself/theirlife so much if they dont die they atleast commit a final act of self distruction. Do not lemme catch u attempting another method thoFirst off, before we get into the content of the thread, I'd like to apologize for the lack of my usual style of posts, especially as it is Men's Mental Health Awareness Month, I am terribly sorry. I wish you all a happy, fulfilling month, and I will do my best to push out good quality threads.
View attachment 5185172
________
I've always been interested in the different ways people tragically choose to end their own lives, one of the most common ones I've seen (especially in media) in suicide by jumping (specifically into water, the classic bridge trope.) Based on global public health data, it is estimated that between 2,500 and 10,000 people die by suicide annually by jumping off bridges into water globally and an estimated 10,000 to 40,000 people attempt suicide by jumping off bridges into water each year globally. This gives jumping off bridges/water roughly a 10 - 25% kill rate, which is extremely low considering you're risking absolutely everything (if you survive, you'll be disabled by life.)
View attachment 5184945
Since suffocation is a horrifying concept to me (which drowning is a form of,) I've always wanted to know what exactly people feel when they:
1. Jump off
2. Are falling through the air
3. Hit the water
4. Go under
The main reason for wanting to know this is simply because since it is a somewhat common method (popularized by the media,) I need to be able to connect with people who claim to want to attempt it, and I need to be able to know what exactly goes on so I may contribute meaningful information to the individual and give them the opportunity to reconsider, and hopefully go forth with their lives instead of committing suicide.
I have a decent bit of information on what goes through the head of someone who attempts suicide by this method, due to a popular study done on survivors of people who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. I'll restate my point in my original Anti - Suicide Megathread below:
"A very common shared statement and experience from people who have survived things like jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to end their life is instant regret, nearly 100% of survivors state that the moment they jumped they "immediately felt like every single problem in their life was fixable." This is a shared, universal experience by all suicide survivors. This is something you will feel no matter what the second you jump because the depressive brain fog immediately disappears without a trace and is replaced by your hyper-aware conscious, which doesn't want to die."
However, this is not enough. It is not enough to simply tell someone what they "may" feel during an attempt, I must know exactly what goes on so I may fully convey the information to them. (Although in this case, they will 100% feel it, but most people wont believe that due to, again, brain fog clouding their judgement.)
________
So a while back, I was out at night with a few friends, at a small boardwalk where the water was somewhat shallow, not shallow enough to kill you from a jump, but shallow enough that jumping at any given time would be safe. I had decided that this would've been the perfect time to gather all the information I needed to see what people truly felt during an attempt. This was during somewhat neutral weather, and the water wasn't the coldest that it could've been for the time of year, meaning the results I'd gain would be applicable to what you'd generally feel if you went through with suicide by jumping at any other time of year.
I was clothed somewhat comfortably (thicker sweatpants with a longsleeve) so my jump is a better case scenario, meaning that an actual attempt would feel much more uncomfortable throughout it than mine. I did this somewhat strategically because I want to show off a "best case scenario" for an attempt, because since I know that it's going to be extremely uncomfortable no matter what, I should still have the advantage of saying that it is "better off for me that you or someone else that attempts." My weight and height are matched decently with each other so there's no wild irregularities (I'm not obese nor am I deathly skinny,) going on that would sabotage the otherwise reputable results I would be striving to reach.
_______
I will go through my experience and findings for each of the categories I mentioned wanting to feel/explore. But firstly, some general questions need to be answered.
So firstly,
Why did I go at night?
I went at night because bridge attempts, especially at ones that have a solid chance of killing you, cannot be attempted throughout the day most of the time due to the availability of other people who can and are fully motivated to save you. Night time is the only time you have a true shot at succeeding an attempt.
What height did I jump from?
I jumped from a height of roughly 12 - 14 feet. The water was shallow enough for there not to be any significant risk of currents or any other water-based risks messing me up (so I was safe.)
How deep was the water?
It was roughly 12 - 13 feet deep. The area I went to had very calm water and it takes a while for it to get deep.
Was I safe? What were my safety measures?
I was safe. The water was calm, and there were no currents (visible nor hidden) in the water nor any other water-based risk. And on top of that, I had quite a few of my friends with me so I would've been fine (hopefully) if anything went south.
How did I explain my behavior to my friends?
Of course, jumping into water at night fully clothed is something which is stupid to normies. My chosen method for explaining my behavior was simple, I made up a dare with one specific friend, and purposefully lost it so I was "forced" to go through with what we agreed on, which was "loser has to jump off the boardwalk into the water fully clothed."
What was my mental state going into this?
I had gone through a home-made psychiatric mental state switch where I attempted to get into the mind of someone that truly wanted to commit suicide. While I couldn't replicate it fully, I do think that I did make some decent progress which affected the "realness" of my attempt compared to what I would've felt if I had just gone through normally.
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Before I get into what I felt, I have to give one major disclaimer:
Do not try this at home. I can’t stress enough how dangerous something like this is, even in a controlled environment. I went through with this because I am extremely low inhib with this type of stuff and I truly care about my work and studies. While I was in a safe environment, I absolutely could and was risking my life.
Without any further ado, let's get into my experience.
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1. The Jump Off
My dare had a secondary purpose, it built up suspense of a sort, so I got a somewhat similar (although heavily weakened compared to a true suicide jump) hit of adrenaline all throughout getting ready and the jumping off itself.
Getting up and stabilizing myself on the other side of the bench felt crazy, to say the least. Maybe it's because it was somewhat premeditated so I had been tense about it for a while. Whatever the reason was, it was scary. It wasn't the type of adrenaline where you feel like you can do anything, it was the type where you are shivery/stuttery, if that makes any sense. Kind of what a hare may feel when cornered by a wolf, that's the best way I could put it. It didn't feel liberating whatsoever. Although I knew that I wasn't going to die, I was still shaking.
One thing nobody ever mentions is how dark it truly is, even for water which I knew was safe, calm, and shallow, it was horrifying to look at. It felt as if I was looking into the void. It was extremely dark, I couldn't see anything below whatsoever. It could've been darker if it weren't for streetlamps, but for what it was, it was extremely dark. To give an idea, this is what it was like, but a little darker:
View attachment 5185044
So after all the shaking, I finally managed to muster up enough courage to jump off. Whatever anyone has ever said about "brain fog clearing" when you jump off wasn't lying, I felt regret the millisecond my hands left the rails. The adrenaline was crazy, while the fall itself was relatively short (roughly a second,) I can remember every millisecond of it. Any thought anyone would have of suicide, life problems, or any other issue would instantly be cleared by the nature of falling off (which is exactly how it was in my case, although it was a premeditated, safe "practice dummy attempt.")
2. Falling Through The Air
Interestingly, the strongest rush was right as I left the rails and by the end of it, it kind of felt somewhat calm, like I was a bird of some sort, a really heavy one. A stupid way of describing it would be how the birds from the movie "Angry Birds" would feel, as they flew through the sky yet they couldn't fly. As I previously stated, the first thing I felt as I fell was regret. I fell feet first, and I kept my eyes straight down at the water. It felt as if I was falling for longer than the time period that I was in the air in (which was roughly a second, as previously stated.) Since I had put myself a more "depressed" state of mind, I could feel a more authentic feeling to what an actual jumper would feel. The first thing that came to my mind was "What am I doing?" It felt so surreal to actually be doing it, since I had thought about trying it out for quite a long time before actually doing it. Whatever I felt, would be amplified 100 times over by someone who intended to die and had likely thought about it much deeper, for a much longer period of time. None of what I felt was good, it all felt so cold and shaky. The environment made everything much worse, as I stated before, it was pitch black.
3. Hitting The Water
What I felt was something that I expected, but not to the degree of what I actually felt, it was unimaginable. To learn more about what I was going to experience, I had previously read a book and done some research about the Titanic, and what the survivors felt during the sinking with how the water and the weather was.
The most common statement was that jumping into the water felt like "a thousand daggers being plunged into you, all at once." Of course, the Titanic's crash took place in the Atlantic, at night, so it was extremely cold then, so I figured that what I would feel, would be a much milder, stable variant of what they felt. I was wrong. Hitting the water hurt, everything felt uncomfortable, my clothes were all wet, everything felt soggy, once I hit it, it felt as if I was being stabbed, everywhere, all at once, just like the book said.
Imagine going through this, but in the water so you're incredibly wet, heavy, and you have this crazy drive to live. That is what it felt like.
View attachment 5185192
It was the most painful, horrifying thing I had ever experienced throughout my entire life. Bear in mind, the water wasn't even that cold, so an actual attempt in a designated area would feel much worse than what I felt.
4. Going Under
After the initial hit, you feel this crazy, animalistic surge of force that drives you to live. It's pure instinct, I fought my way up immediately. It was pitch black, I couldn't see anything at all, I honestly did feel like I was going to die, water was in nose and mouth, and my eyes were wide open in the water so it was extremely confusing because I saw blurry nothingness. I was coughing while underwater and the water in my lungs and mouth created this crazy burning sensation everywhere inside me.
It took roughly 20 - 30 seconds for everything to calm down and for me to get to my senses and push my way back to the shore. It felt less like an experiment and more like I had actually just tried to kill myself. It was by no doubt, the worst experience I had ever been through throughout my entire life. I was shaking for quite a while after it.
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Afterthoughts:
I can’t even imagine what an actual attempt must be like. No matter how bad your life is, you want to live at your core. You will be horrified, shaking, and desperate for a way out. Keep in mind that my experience was a very mild one. My jump was roughly 5 - 25 times less than the average for suicide jumps. So essentially, take everything I experienced and multiply it by 25, and that’s what someone feels during a jumping attempt. Horrifying.
My heart breaks for all who’ve attempted this, whether they succeeded or not, this is a horrible way to go.
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Whether it is in this Men’s Mental Health Month, or any time throughout the year during your life, remember that there is always a way out, always a light at the end of the tunnel. Never give up, always keep pushing. The future holds your happiness, your peace, you must just strive to reach it.
If any of you ever do feel horrible, like you may want to hurt yourself or do something bad, or just need someone to talk to, please know that I am always here. You may always send me a message and I will be glad to speak with you. I deeply care for all of you and it would be the worst thing on Earth for any of you to pass if there is anything that can be done at all. I love you all, no matter who you are.
Although it is cliché now, here’s my broader megathread on the truth of suicide, if you ever need to know how it truly is, please go read it:
ANTI - SUICIDE MEGATHREAD - THE TRUTH ABOUT SUICIDE & METHODS + HUNDREDS OF REASONS TO LIVE ITS NEVER OVER (LIFEMAXXING GTFIH)
The topic of suicide is one of the disgustingly romanticized pieces shown in media in the world, overtime this has made it so suicide is viewed as a global "exit" button, a way out when you have nowhere to go. However this is very far from the truth, filmmakers themselves often depict suicide...
You are special.
Your life holds value beyond anything you or anyone else can comprehend.
Never give up.
The world is yours.
@Hernan @tuberculosisinmybal @Pony I’m not sure if this is the usually decent quality material deserving to get pinned, but if it could be pinned, I believe it would help people.
@Sayori @Jgns
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damn dude r you ok?
I was 15 back then lol, it’s been some time, now I turned 17 yesterday, so now I’m doing good but I was so depressed back then
mirin the craziest thing i ever did was just cut myself
How does it feel? I’ve only seen girls cut themselves so I never got to ask but, did u feel a rush or sum?
yea i got a jolt of pain yet it felt weirdly good and enjoyable like good pain
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