BigJimsWornOutTires
Kraken
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Originally, this time of the year was to celebrate and honor the son of G-d. However, as the holiday became famous, the Gentiles furrowed eyebrows at the Jews with loath. Not only that, the Devil despised the best guess anniversary. I wonder if those guessers were also responsible for, "Muh the planet is five hundred trillion years old and people have been here for millions of years, reeeeeeeeeeeee."
The Devil knew he had to address the yearly reminder. He had to do something, and fast. "Let there be an old pedophile immortal!" Santa Claus was born.
Move the letter n in Santa to the back, and you get Satan.
Claus is a petty play on words. It's actually Clause—a stipulation to the contract with Satan.
Mrs. Claus is Santa's biological daughter. Her mother is Lilith, who is also known as Disney. She abandoned them in the 1920s. After she left, Santa gazed at the toddler with an evil grin and said, "You're going to be my new hoe."
Elves are the inbred product of the propagation of a father and daughter. And the reindeer today are dragons. However, real reindeer once existed in Antarctica. While high on cocaine they called, candy cane, the elves pushed them off cliffs, "Fly, reindeer, fly!" Ugh. Poor deer. The little fucking retards genocide the species in this cold region.
After the elves wailed in tears from the cocaine-fueled slaughter, along came the Devil. "Here, dragons." The elves were jolly once more. They pushed them off and the dragons flew! They jumped up and down clapping their wittle hands, "Fly, reindeer, fly!"
But the metaphors didn't stop there. Parents were taught to lie to their children about the fictional weirdo. "You better be good if you want Santa to bring you presents." They justify their deception as inspiring kids to use their imagination. You know, imagine lies and push them as truth. But the story the children don't know about the real Santa with a clause would give them nightmares.
To allow the Devil inside your home, you must place Santa before Jesus in your heart and soul. When the child believes in the dark magic, Santa breaks into their home once a year. He doesn't need a chimney! He's a spirit that cruises the electricity lines. Thanks a lot, Nikola Tesla. When he's inside the home, he'll manifest into the red-clothed pedophile. He'll frantically search the fridge for breastmilk. He'll then snoop around the home while shaking his Albino-ear talisman, whispering in tongue, cursing everything. He'll point to a picture of a child on the wall and say, "Hoe." Point to another one, "Hoe." And another one, "Hoe."
Thanks to the rapid increase of knowledge, children today understand it's all bullshit used to make rich families richer and keep corporations in power. They know Christmas is a greedy scheme to take their parents' money.
The Devil didn't stop with Christmas, though. Easter is a time to celebrate Christ's resurrection. Ugh, that really pissed him off... and once again, the Christians turned to the Jews with winkled brows. "Let there be a hopping rodent who shits rainbow color eggs," the Devil demanded. Ah, yes, an abomination took over Easter.
Fucking Christmas. Why Hollywood hadn't thought about making a film called that? And so Christmas would be a dumb blonde in skin-tight clothes who wanders into a frat party already roofied herself. Perhaps, make her a brunette, give her a large nose, and the males in her family wear tiny hats. Send her to the hood to bring joy to the black community—Fucking Christmas.
Dear Santa Claus,
Your days are numbered, motherfucker. And when we rescue Mrs Claus, she'll be tossed to Blacked.com, where damaged women belong. Your elves are going into a gas chamber—put those sorry sons bitches out of their misery. And knowing China's love for your dragons, they will be latched with Hot-Shots (shocking devices) and sent to China. Every time they get shocked, fire shoots out of their mouths upon the people.
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