wretched_paradox
Iron
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2025
- Posts
- 57
- Reputation
- 31
Do you ever want your memories to be gone? Or to be different? Because I wish it was both. I'm currently on different drugs, that have helped me socialize, but something is always wrong.
(Backstory)
Socializing has always been a very hard thing for me, ever since I was a young boy. Just for being ugly, being fat, never about being short, but those two yes. Being so low status at the age of 8-12 did numbers on me. I changed school, made other friends was myself. I thought at 16 it's time to go to a real highschool.
That's when everything hit. They weren't the little supportive group I had in my little school. These people were diverse. Lots of different groups within even one group, why? Because everyone had different tastes, different mannerisms, and personalities, that complemented each other; and not only that, they knew each other since they were little kids.
And then there was I. Fat, ugly, new kid who even at the slight hello from someone my heart would race, chest would compress etc. I was a redpill cuck, denied the very idea of medication. To not make this too long, let's just say it didn't go well.
(My present thoughts)
Throughout my life, countless rejections, humiliations, and the likes aformentioned mediated self inflicted sabotage. I wish things were different. I recently hopped on 2 different simple drugs. Armodafinil and propanolol. Great drugs. The former boosts my alertness and dopamine, while the latter blocks any physically distressing effects from the former, and even calms me down more.
Talking to people, has never been easier, I don't mispeak, I don't stutter. Hell I dont even care if something I would've thought was "embarassing" happens because it's not, it's actually perfectly normal. I don't experience chest compressions, accelerated heartbeat, and even shortened breats anymore. Everything is just good.
But that's the issue. Everything is just GOOD. NOW it is. I'm 20 years old. I've had 20 years, and mostly in my formative years, what one could only describe as unending loneliness and neglect. I never forget that. I don't take "risks" with girls. I don't particularly seek friendships anymore. Everything drifts by me as now I've become a normal person, who sees everyone as a threat, and drugged up, just sees everyone as people I don't care about. It's nice being able to talk to people. But my bitterness and hatred for those who hurt me will never leave. I will never be at peace. Because the great mood during the day turns into the loneliness of yesterday that I have always felt. And it's always worse, because I realize that just to even mimic normal people, I have to be on pills, which won't even solve the permanent issue of MEMORIES.
(Backstory)
Socializing has always been a very hard thing for me, ever since I was a young boy. Just for being ugly, being fat, never about being short, but those two yes. Being so low status at the age of 8-12 did numbers on me. I changed school, made other friends was myself. I thought at 16 it's time to go to a real highschool.
That's when everything hit. They weren't the little supportive group I had in my little school. These people were diverse. Lots of different groups within even one group, why? Because everyone had different tastes, different mannerisms, and personalities, that complemented each other; and not only that, they knew each other since they were little kids.
And then there was I. Fat, ugly, new kid who even at the slight hello from someone my heart would race, chest would compress etc. I was a redpill cuck, denied the very idea of medication. To not make this too long, let's just say it didn't go well.
(My present thoughts)
Throughout my life, countless rejections, humiliations, and the likes aformentioned mediated self inflicted sabotage. I wish things were different. I recently hopped on 2 different simple drugs. Armodafinil and propanolol. Great drugs. The former boosts my alertness and dopamine, while the latter blocks any physically distressing effects from the former, and even calms me down more.
Talking to people, has never been easier, I don't mispeak, I don't stutter. Hell I dont even care if something I would've thought was "embarassing" happens because it's not, it's actually perfectly normal. I don't experience chest compressions, accelerated heartbeat, and even shortened breats anymore. Everything is just good.
But that's the issue. Everything is just GOOD. NOW it is. I'm 20 years old. I've had 20 years, and mostly in my formative years, what one could only describe as unending loneliness and neglect. I never forget that. I don't take "risks" with girls. I don't particularly seek friendships anymore. Everything drifts by me as now I've become a normal person, who sees everyone as a threat, and drugged up, just sees everyone as people I don't care about. It's nice being able to talk to people. But my bitterness and hatred for those who hurt me will never leave. I will never be at peace. Because the great mood during the day turns into the loneliness of yesterday that I have always felt. And it's always worse, because I realize that just to even mimic normal people, I have to be on pills, which won't even solve the permanent issue of MEMORIES.
