D
Deleted member 19896
Mistral
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- May 27, 2022
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Random realisation about why I am the way that I am
My dad is shit he blew up entire family fortune on booze hookers casinos distant from family seems nice at first but the more I observe he might be a sociopath
Age 9-10 I had severe paranoia and had terrifying sensorimotor ocd, the sound of water going down I had intense great of getting windpipe obstruction it something like that. I had a full blown panic attack when I poured water on my head when showering..My ocd is back now but manifesting in much different ways.. I'd rather not say
which disappeared from11+ onwards
My mom is clingy annoying and I get depression / sinking feeling in pit of the stomach from being around her too long. Erratic and angry over dumb shit, somewhat kind but that kindness isn't exclusive to me she is literally a pushover who people take advantage of economically including father. she hates him they don't even sleep in the same room but she satisfies his financial whims at every turn. Oh but she will remind you of what she did for you at every turn if something doesn't go her way and she whines about obvious problems with obvious solutions. What a woman. Opening up to her she would get angry tell you to shut up stop crying and I would have to confort her oh mummy please don't cry bla blah she kept fucking annoying me telling me to study when I was remotely happy when I was in SECOND FUCOING GRADE and sent me to tuitions since I was 6 years old that's right I hated school chronic procrastinator always late don't care about anything
I'm an only child I was lonely as fuck never had a sense of familial belonging and I got depressed being around my parents too long, my father didn't even show up to my birthdays, my mother bought me anything I wanted but it felt like utterly meaningless gesture
She is solipsistic and anxiety ridden person in theory she cares too much but when offered avenues she strikes all of them down
My "uncle" sent my father a text telling he should kill himself when he was drunk and then sent a sorry message in the morning because he took money from my grandfather's lifelong pension savings to pay his rapidly increasing debt
I lived with my grandparents and uncle for a while in third grade (a month), my cousins they were social like I couldnt ever imagine, I was so happy.integrating with people, people would never play with me speak to me and I was always quiet and brooding and rude.
I loved it I never wanted to go back home..
Every interaction with him I hate, gaslighting virtue signalling lying all the time but it's clear he doesn't give a crap about anybody but himself. he just made fun of me for the way I talk walk open a candy jar or anything like that, comparing me to trucel celebrities like supposedly backhanded compliment.
Whenever I spoke to him or worried my self esteem would take a hit and I wished to never ever open up again to anyone upon seeing his shallow platitude reactions.
If I ever even tried to have a "real" conversation with mother instead of being motherly and nurturing she went full on ballistic screaming at 8 year old me throwing shit around and telling me "you will see when I'm dead and you see me lying around one day and never wake"
my only best friend ever since like kindergarten one day said he didn't like me and just actively started avoiding me one day
Aged 5-11 I used to watch television for 10+ hours everyday I had no friends relatively shy kid and felt excluded.
Aged 11-13 I discovered my solace was to distract myself on the computer and had online friends who felt real for the first time, I felt good for the first time in a while.
Every person who observed me could blatantly and would comment on my social oddities every single time, I have always, always felt alienated.
I never had a semblance of being "NORMAL" ever.
Just saw something that jogged my memory of these.. events.
might add more later idk
don't care if didn't read
My dad is shit he blew up entire family fortune on booze hookers casinos distant from family seems nice at first but the more I observe he might be a sociopath
Age 9-10 I had severe paranoia and had terrifying sensorimotor ocd, the sound of water going down I had intense great of getting windpipe obstruction it something like that. I had a full blown panic attack when I poured water on my head when showering..My ocd is back now but manifesting in much different ways.. I'd rather not say
which disappeared from11+ onwards
My mom is clingy annoying and I get depression / sinking feeling in pit of the stomach from being around her too long. Erratic and angry over dumb shit, somewhat kind but that kindness isn't exclusive to me she is literally a pushover who people take advantage of economically including father. she hates him they don't even sleep in the same room but she satisfies his financial whims at every turn. Oh but she will remind you of what she did for you at every turn if something doesn't go her way and she whines about obvious problems with obvious solutions. What a woman. Opening up to her she would get angry tell you to shut up stop crying and I would have to confort her oh mummy please don't cry bla blah she kept fucking annoying me telling me to study when I was remotely happy when I was in SECOND FUCOING GRADE and sent me to tuitions since I was 6 years old that's right I hated school chronic procrastinator always late don't care about anything
I'm an only child I was lonely as fuck never had a sense of familial belonging and I got depressed being around my parents too long, my father didn't even show up to my birthdays, my mother bought me anything I wanted but it felt like utterly meaningless gesture
She is solipsistic and anxiety ridden person in theory she cares too much but when offered avenues she strikes all of them down
My "uncle" sent my father a text telling he should kill himself when he was drunk and then sent a sorry message in the morning because he took money from my grandfather's lifelong pension savings to pay his rapidly increasing debt
I lived with my grandparents and uncle for a while in third grade (a month), my cousins they were social like I couldnt ever imagine, I was so happy.integrating with people, people would never play with me speak to me and I was always quiet and brooding and rude.
I loved it I never wanted to go back home..
Every interaction with him I hate, gaslighting virtue signalling lying all the time but it's clear he doesn't give a crap about anybody but himself. he just made fun of me for the way I talk walk open a candy jar or anything like that, comparing me to trucel celebrities like supposedly backhanded compliment.
Whenever I spoke to him or worried my self esteem would take a hit and I wished to never ever open up again to anyone upon seeing his shallow platitude reactions.
If I ever even tried to have a "real" conversation with mother instead of being motherly and nurturing she went full on ballistic screaming at 8 year old me throwing shit around and telling me "you will see when I'm dead and you see me lying around one day and never wake"
my only best friend ever since like kindergarten one day said he didn't like me and just actively started avoiding me one day
Aged 5-11 I used to watch television for 10+ hours everyday I had no friends relatively shy kid and felt excluded.
Aged 11-13 I discovered my solace was to distract myself on the computer and had online friends who felt real for the first time, I felt good for the first time in a while.
Every person who observed me could blatantly and would comment on my social oddities every single time, I have always, always felt alienated.
I never had a semblance of being "NORMAL" ever.
Just saw something that jogged my memory of these.. events.
might add more later idk
don't care if didn't read
