luuk
Determined
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Drunk rant incoming sorry if its incoherent or esl its late
Found myself in a club tonight, hadn't planned it and wasn't trying to slay (wasn't even properly dressed, prepared or frauded for the occasion but ended up there anyway after a fair few drinks with a friend going through a rough patch (he's an LTN but has a pretty good slay record, very charismatic). We got a few more drinks, we danced a bit on the dance floor (got quite a few iois) and had a decent time for a while.
This MTB came up to us later and was chatting for a bit. Whilst she seemed initially interested in me, after a little bit she ended up speaking mostly to him (I could barely hear her at all my hearing is especially shit in clubs which might have put her off) but he was far too inebriated to do anything, to the point where he had to ask me if she was attractive because he couldn't even tell at that point.
But anyways, we ended up just chilling with her a bit and met some of her friends (fat LTBs and an incredibly gay LLTN dude)
And they unanimously agreed that I reminded them massively of a former shared roommate of theirs, saying that I was,
"too attractive to be this autistic"
What? I had hardly spoken to them for long, I did nothing out of place, I felt that I was acting and dancing as everyone else around me was, yet these people I had hardly met had almost immediately clocked I was ND, even whilst I was under the influence of enough alcohol to seemingly make me normal? And it made what happened earlier make more sense- whilst I could barely hear her and was making small talk she was laughing about me to her friend, god knows why but evidently my ND existence is just inherently humorous to NTs.
And this wasn't in a flirtatious way, I didn't end up getting with any of them or anything and those lot clearly weren't interested in that way. But its so brutal- no mater twhat I do for my appearance, no matter what drugs I take, no matter what surgeries I get and no matter what therapy I engage with or social skills I study, they will always know. And they find it funny, my mere existence was probably a highlight of their night because someone who is slightly "off", who doesn't fully get social cues, who doesn't always properly process sensory information or who is just noticeably yet indescribably different is inherently an object of humour, to be laughed at, not with.
I still pull sometimes in clubs but this phenomena explains my awful relationship track record- when they actually talk to me long enough to realise, girls see that there's something wrong with me and pull away. I'm only not a KHHV because I have a decent face and I'm tall, white and work out. But I'll probably never be truly loved, even autistic girls usually go for NT guys. I would commit unspeakable atrocities to be rid of this afflicition, literally any no heinous moral crime would be off limits if it gave me the opportunity to live the rest of my life as a neurotypical, there is no upper limit for the price I'd pay. It just makes me angrier and angrier how my existence is just a joke to them. It makes me have horribly violent thoughts and it just gets worse as I age. People like ER become much easier to understand when you understand the daily ridicule and humiliation rituals they had to endure because they were "off" to the degree that they could do nothing without being criticised and mocked relentlessly. People crack eventually
Found myself in a club tonight, hadn't planned it and wasn't trying to slay (wasn't even properly dressed, prepared or frauded for the occasion but ended up there anyway after a fair few drinks with a friend going through a rough patch (he's an LTN but has a pretty good slay record, very charismatic). We got a few more drinks, we danced a bit on the dance floor (got quite a few iois) and had a decent time for a while.
This MTB came up to us later and was chatting for a bit. Whilst she seemed initially interested in me, after a little bit she ended up speaking mostly to him (I could barely hear her at all my hearing is especially shit in clubs which might have put her off) but he was far too inebriated to do anything, to the point where he had to ask me if she was attractive because he couldn't even tell at that point.
But anyways, we ended up just chilling with her a bit and met some of her friends (fat LTBs and an incredibly gay LLTN dude)
And they unanimously agreed that I reminded them massively of a former shared roommate of theirs, saying that I was,
"too attractive to be this autistic"
What? I had hardly spoken to them for long, I did nothing out of place, I felt that I was acting and dancing as everyone else around me was, yet these people I had hardly met had almost immediately clocked I was ND, even whilst I was under the influence of enough alcohol to seemingly make me normal? And it made what happened earlier make more sense- whilst I could barely hear her and was making small talk she was laughing about me to her friend, god knows why but evidently my ND existence is just inherently humorous to NTs.
And this wasn't in a flirtatious way, I didn't end up getting with any of them or anything and those lot clearly weren't interested in that way. But its so brutal- no mater twhat I do for my appearance, no matter what drugs I take, no matter what surgeries I get and no matter what therapy I engage with or social skills I study, they will always know. And they find it funny, my mere existence was probably a highlight of their night because someone who is slightly "off", who doesn't fully get social cues, who doesn't always properly process sensory information or who is just noticeably yet indescribably different is inherently an object of humour, to be laughed at, not with.
I still pull sometimes in clubs but this phenomena explains my awful relationship track record- when they actually talk to me long enough to realise, girls see that there's something wrong with me and pull away. I'm only not a KHHV because I have a decent face and I'm tall, white and work out. But I'll probably never be truly loved, even autistic girls usually go for NT guys. I would commit unspeakable atrocities to be rid of this afflicition, literally any no heinous moral crime would be off limits if it gave me the opportunity to live the rest of my life as a neurotypical, there is no upper limit for the price I'd pay. It just makes me angrier and angrier how my existence is just a joke to them. It makes me have horribly violent thoughts and it just gets worse as I age. People like ER become much easier to understand when you understand the daily ridicule and humiliation rituals they had to endure because they were "off" to the degree that they could do nothing without being criticised and mocked relentlessly. People crack eventually
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