There’s something so deeply wrong with me I’m convinced it will never be fixable

[Prøphet]

Because of my nd genetics and the environment I was raised in, the main theme surrounding my life is shame.

It’s such a constant that I wonder if it’s not just an obstacle to overcome or a challenge that can be resolved, but instead an unfixable core part of who I am that will always stick with me, no matter how much I try to outrun it.

My identity, no matter what I try to manufacture it into, no matter how much dedication and commitment and tears I put into the effort, will always be too much and never enough all at once. And the only way I can feel about that when clarity hits me in the face is shame.

 

[tightmason]

Because of my nd genetics and the environment I was raised in, the main theme surrounding my life is shame.

It’s such a constant that I wonder if it’s not just an obstacle to overcome or a challenge that can be resolved, but instead an unfixable core part of who I am that will always stick with me, no matter how much I try to outrun it.

My identity, no matter what I try to manufacture it into, no matter how much dedication and commitment and tears I put into the effort, will always be too much and never enough all at once. And the only way I can feel about that when clarity hits me in the face is shame.

i wish i could help you im sorry for you brocel truly am

 

[SomaliSub5]

dont let your past define who you are now people change

 

[Hide]

Its time to not give a fuck

 

[tightmason]

dont let your past define who you are now people change

nigga shut your somalian ass up did you even read?

MUH PAST MUH PRESENT MUH FUTUREEEE DURRRRR AUGHGHHHHH

 

[Prøphet]

Its time to not give a fuck

No amount of carelessness or effort can convince anyone around me that I’m something I’m not. Much less myself. I am ND to my core, no matter my wishes or dreams, and I find it rotten.

 

[tightmason]

No amount of carelessness or effort can convince anyone around me that I’m something I’m not. Much less myself. I am ND to my core, no matter my wishes or dreams, and I find it rotten.

man

 

[Sacrimoon]

Genuinely don’t think i’m ever gonna become anything in life. Even meds don’t work

 

[Prøphet]

Genuinely don’t think i’m ever gonna become anything in life. Even meds don’t work

I find no choice but to isolate myself, because my authentic self is unwelcome wherever I go. That much has been made abundantly clear to me in every uncomfortable glance, every cold stare, and every unanswered question. Maybe I wasn’t made to be something at all.

 

[Sacrimoon]

I find no choice but to isolate myself, because my authentic self is unwelcome. That’s been made abundantly clear to me in every uncomfortable glance, every cold stare, and every unanswered question. Maybe I was not made to be something at all

You’re literally me nigger. I completely isolated myself the past 2 years because social life has never worked out like it should, to the point where i’m actually starting to try and build a social life again, because the isolation is making me insane and i can’t take being stuck in my mind anymore.

 

[Prøphet]

You’re literally me nigger. I completely isolated myself the past 2 years because social life has never worked out like it should, to the point where i’m actually starting to try and build a social life again, because the isolation is making me insane and i can’t take being stuck in my mind anymore.

It’s been 1 year for me. I refuse to put myself into such humiliation and embarrassment until I can at least fix my face. You can live as an ND or Sub5, but not both at once. I hope my eye surgery will be enough for me to feel less hideous in every day life, and more capable of downgrading my personality into something more appealing and acceptable.

 

[Prøphet]

dont let your past define who you are now people change

I can’t change. People change their most superficial aspects to gain an advantage with changing circumstances, but deep down, we are who we are.

 

[mogtivism]

Because of my nd genetics and the environment I was raised in, the main theme surrounding my life is shame.

It’s such a constant that I wonder if it’s not just an obstacle to overcome or a challenge that can be resolved, but instead an unfixable core part of who I am that will always stick with me, no matter how much I try to outrun it.

My identity, no matter what I try to manufacture it into, no matter how much dedication and commitment and tears I put into the effort, will always be too much and never enough all at once. And the only way I can feel about that when clarity hits me in the face is shame.

While chad pumps+dumps random women left and right, does drugs and drinks shamelessly, the ND sub5 feels deep shame at telling a trivial lie or looking up celebrity nudes.

The only way to change your mental reality, is to alter your physical.

 

[Prøphet]

While chad pumps+dumps random women left and right, does drugs and drinks shamelessly, the ND sub5 feels deep shame at telling a trivial lie or looking up celebrity nudes.

The only way to change your mental reality, is to alter your physical.

My shame goes much deeper. I feel shame over every aspect of what I am, because I feel sick and bored with myself. I am ashamed of what I watch for fun. I am ashamed of what I say during a conversation. I am ashamed of what type of pants I wear, and which shoes I wear. I am ashamed of what I ate for breakfast today. I am ashamed of my type. I am ashamed of what I think about as I try to fall asleep. I am ashamed of this post. I am ashamed of my instagram account. I am ashamed of my favorite music. I am ashamed of my face, of course. I am ashamed of every tendency and mannerism I hold. I am ashamed of what I just wrote.

I appreciate your last sentence regardless. External validation is my last glimmer of optimism when it comes to acceptance. I’m too damaged to find any in myself.

 

[Acquiescence]

Down your woes in cheap hedonism is my preferred cope. Oh yea and muh surgeries

 

[Prøphet]

Down your woes in cheap hedonism is my preferred cope. Oh yea and muh surgeries

In high school I had to smoke twice a day because I couldn’t stand who I was sober. When I was fried, the weed could explain my differences for me. And I could abandon my mind and all that comes with that. But just like most of my copes it was taken away from me when it started making me constantly sick. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a cosmic joke I swear. Now I just find escape in more pathetic ways. I wish I could turn my life into an escape from myself rather than the other way around. But that’s not possible for NDs, because it’s always there in the background, and you always know it.