Uncontrollable Self loathing.

[IzDrizSub5]

I was walking at the the lake with my newly girlfriend, when she pulled her phone out and asked to take a photo together with the sunset. I said “take a photo of you?”, trying to avoid it. she insisted, I tensed my left eye to prevent the assmetry, i help my lips up and tilted into a smile, i tried to look good. when she showed me the photo i was genuinely disgusted by how i looked and i didnt smile the rest of the time i was with her, nor until now while im writing this. ironically im literally crying rn, i cannot escape the hatred ive tried so desperately to find comfort from. i transformed my fucking face, i have a gf, i have housing and food, and i am stuck in the ltn misery of a life i used to live. because i cannot forget, i cant forget the nights, i cant forget the attempts or the cutting i cant fucking move on. No matter how much i change i will never be able to erase those memories, i will lie to my gf, and she will never know the pain the face she kisses caused me. I cant kms cus im too scared too die, but jesus christ i just cant stand living.