CriminalLurker
I like lurking
- Joined
- Feb 5, 2024
- Posts
- 207
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This was my most recent fight read it if you want, this is how I would respond to confrontation nowadays.
looksmax.org
I used to be a kid with completely uncontrollable anger issues. I get the whole “when I get mad I see red” meme because it’s not a meme, it’s real. I lived it. I got into a lot of fights because of it. I was never scared of anyone, even if they were way bigger than me, which was almost always the case. Looking back, it’s honestly surprising how I won all my fights. Most of these guys had 10 to 20+ kilos on me, yet I never felt even a hint of fear just anger.
I would snap at the smallest annoyance and respond with 10x the force. Once I crossed that threshold, it was over. In fights I’d start screaming like Goku, adrenaline dumping hard, and I genuinely felt stronger. Maybe it triggered some primal fear response in whoever I was fighting. Maybe they just didn’t want to deal with some unhinged autist kid yelling at full volume jfl. Either way, it worked. It sounds cringe asf now, but that was just how it was back then.
Everything changed once I started doomscrolling fight content. r/fightporn, Twitter clips, LiveLeak, people getting paralyzed or straight up dying over ego battles. That stuff mentally neutered me. It hardwired fear into my brain that I never had. I realized how easily one bad punch or slip can end your life, even if you’re technically in the right or minding your own business. After that, my anger reflex basically disappeared and got replaced with overthinking.
The funny part is I’d never actually lost a real fight. But suddenly just the thought of fighting had me stressed out.
How it spiralled into something worse ↓↓
From there it spiraled. I started tiptoeing in conversations, over-filtering every sentence. Then COVID hit and my social skills completely rotted. I used to be a shameless jester. I’d joke around, dance in front of the whole school, make girls laugh all day. Talking gave me energy. I was basically Ishowspeed IRL, just without the income. But that was fun and thats all that mattered back then.
Post-COVID, I fell into anime and all the “how to become Ayanokōji” content, cringemaxxing self-improvement videos, mentalcel-adjacent stuff. Instead of becoming mysterious and elite like him, I just became quieter and more self-conscious. I went from the highest level of NT to ND in like under three years. (im not actually ND but I had the same symptoms)
I wore a face mask for three years straight, long after COVID was finished. I told myself it was a style choice, but it was pure insecurity. My mum eventually stopped buying them for me, so I’d reuse the same sweaty, dirty masks, which absolutely nuked my skin. I even ate with the mask on, lifting it just enough to put food in my mouth. When people started clowning me about it, I began eating in the toilets just to avoid taking it off before going out to play soccer at recess (and I would play soccer with a mask on too jfl). I was legit Survival-maxxing. Looking back on it now it was comparable to a mental disorder, and im the LAST person to say I have a mental "anything" it was just.. THAT bad.
People at school literally knew me as “the mask guy.” Almost no one knew what I actually looked like except my close friends. That’s how bad my confidence was. Losing my anger reflex and fearlessness definitely played a role in that mental state.
Sure, losing that rage made me more rational and less likely to throw my life away over nonsense. But it also cost me something. I used to talk freely without fear. Now, in confrontations, my heart rate spikes, my voice wavers, and my words come out scrambled. It’s like being stuck in fight-or-flight before anything even happens. And it just irritates me so much because I have the symptoms of some cuck fucking loser when im not, and im self aware of it too but I cant do anything to change it.
In the last fight I was in which I linked at the start of the thread, my friend next to me showed zero fear. Calm face, no hesitation. He was how I used to be. He was the one who pushed the guy pressing us and initated the fight, which honestly should’ve been my job to do.
Things are better now. I avoid fights because I understand the legal and life consequences. But it still frustrates me that I feel fear where I logically shouldn’t. It’s improved over time, and that last fight helped shake some of it out, but the change is still there, if I could go back in time I'd never go down that rabbithole of fighting bullshit it genuinely fucked me up.
TLDR: schizo ramblings
Note: Chatgpt was used to make my ramblings coherent.
Had my first REAL fight today In front of everybody
"Went to a massive mall today and got into a massive fight jfl. So I’m chilling with my friends —a 5’7 Chadlite and an MTB—when I lock eyes with a thugmaxxed black guy rolling with a thugmaxxed tall white dude and thugmaxxed skinny Asian. I thought the black guy was my friends cousin from a...
looksmax.org
I used to be a kid with completely uncontrollable anger issues. I get the whole “when I get mad I see red” meme because it’s not a meme, it’s real. I lived it. I got into a lot of fights because of it. I was never scared of anyone, even if they were way bigger than me, which was almost always the case. Looking back, it’s honestly surprising how I won all my fights. Most of these guys had 10 to 20+ kilos on me, yet I never felt even a hint of fear just anger.
I would snap at the smallest annoyance and respond with 10x the force. Once I crossed that threshold, it was over. In fights I’d start screaming like Goku, adrenaline dumping hard, and I genuinely felt stronger. Maybe it triggered some primal fear response in whoever I was fighting. Maybe they just didn’t want to deal with some unhinged autist kid yelling at full volume jfl. Either way, it worked. It sounds cringe asf now, but that was just how it was back then.
Everything changed once I started doomscrolling fight content. r/fightporn, Twitter clips, LiveLeak, people getting paralyzed or straight up dying over ego battles. That stuff mentally neutered me. It hardwired fear into my brain that I never had. I realized how easily one bad punch or slip can end your life, even if you’re technically in the right or minding your own business. After that, my anger reflex basically disappeared and got replaced with overthinking.
The funny part is I’d never actually lost a real fight. But suddenly just the thought of fighting had me stressed out.
How it spiralled into something worse ↓↓
From there it spiraled. I started tiptoeing in conversations, over-filtering every sentence. Then COVID hit and my social skills completely rotted. I used to be a shameless jester. I’d joke around, dance in front of the whole school, make girls laugh all day. Talking gave me energy. I was basically Ishowspeed IRL, just without the income. But that was fun and thats all that mattered back then.
Post-COVID, I fell into anime and all the “how to become Ayanokōji” content, cringemaxxing self-improvement videos, mentalcel-adjacent stuff. Instead of becoming mysterious and elite like him, I just became quieter and more self-conscious. I went from the highest level of NT to ND in like under three years. (im not actually ND but I had the same symptoms)
I wore a face mask for three years straight, long after COVID was finished. I told myself it was a style choice, but it was pure insecurity. My mum eventually stopped buying them for me, so I’d reuse the same sweaty, dirty masks, which absolutely nuked my skin. I even ate with the mask on, lifting it just enough to put food in my mouth. When people started clowning me about it, I began eating in the toilets just to avoid taking it off before going out to play soccer at recess (and I would play soccer with a mask on too jfl). I was legit Survival-maxxing. Looking back on it now it was comparable to a mental disorder, and im the LAST person to say I have a mental "anything" it was just.. THAT bad.
People at school literally knew me as “the mask guy.” Almost no one knew what I actually looked like except my close friends. That’s how bad my confidence was. Losing my anger reflex and fearlessness definitely played a role in that mental state.
Sure, losing that rage made me more rational and less likely to throw my life away over nonsense. But it also cost me something. I used to talk freely without fear. Now, in confrontations, my heart rate spikes, my voice wavers, and my words come out scrambled. It’s like being stuck in fight-or-flight before anything even happens. And it just irritates me so much because I have the symptoms of some cuck fucking loser when im not, and im self aware of it too but I cant do anything to change it.
In the last fight I was in which I linked at the start of the thread, my friend next to me showed zero fear. Calm face, no hesitation. He was how I used to be. He was the one who pushed the guy pressing us and initated the fight, which honestly should’ve been my job to do.
Things are better now. I avoid fights because I understand the legal and life consequences. But it still frustrates me that I feel fear where I logically shouldn’t. It’s improved over time, and that last fight helped shake some of it out, but the change is still there, if I could go back in time I'd never go down that rabbithole of fighting bullshit it genuinely fucked me up.
TLDR: schizo ramblings
Note: Chatgpt was used to make my ramblings coherent.
