N
nd_manlet
Iron
- Joined
- Mar 12, 2026
- Posts
- 150
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- 64
tbh this post is just another psychotic rant.
my mental health is beyond saving. i have these horrifying nightmares every single night and the only way to avoid them is to smoke a lot of weed before bed. at one point i was in active psychosis and believed that my existence was simply a simulation run by beings far beyond that of human comprehension. i also believed that in this simulation their goal was to torture me and create horrors so unimaginable inside my head that it would produce some sort of substance that would then be harvested by these beings. i dont know why i havent killed myself yet. if it were anybody else piloting this brain im sure they would have done so long before this point. and the worst part is ive managed to maintain a somewhat normal appearance on the outside. i workout, play sports, "socialize" (surface level interactions never anything meaningful), and overall just maintain what seems like a healthy happy lifestyle from an outsider pov. i have people in my love that love me and care about me. but for some reason i feel so lonely. there are only two people in the entire world that were able to make me feel even a little bit less lonely. one is 99% dead most likely from suicide. ive lost all contact with this person but i do know one of the last things he said to me was actually when we were both in a mental hospital as it just so happened we both were going through a mental health crisis at the time. " im not making it to 15", he said. he was 14 at the time. i havent seen him since then. the other person is still alive and i actually get to be around them every day. its just that our relationship has become very distant and its almost like they arent the same person they used to be whatsoever. almost as if they were replaced with an imposter. all i can ever think about is death. the only way for me to not think about it is to distract myself. im just obsessed with the concept of death. death is the inevitable fate of everything. you cannot escape it. you can only distract youself from it. but it will come eventually. what fascinated me the most is that it is entirely unknown what happens after death. literally anything could happen and the only way to find out is to actually die. my fascination with death might be one of the contributing factors towards my SI . i feel as though death is just one returning somewhere. i dont know where. death is comforting. i will always have death. no matter what happens there will always be death. subjective experience exists.
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my mental health is beyond saving. i have these horrifying nightmares every single night and the only way to avoid them is to smoke a lot of weed before bed. at one point i was in active psychosis and believed that my existence was simply a simulation run by beings far beyond that of human comprehension. i also believed that in this simulation their goal was to torture me and create horrors so unimaginable inside my head that it would produce some sort of substance that would then be harvested by these beings. i dont know why i havent killed myself yet. if it were anybody else piloting this brain im sure they would have done so long before this point. and the worst part is ive managed to maintain a somewhat normal appearance on the outside. i workout, play sports, "socialize" (surface level interactions never anything meaningful), and overall just maintain what seems like a healthy happy lifestyle from an outsider pov. i have people in my love that love me and care about me. but for some reason i feel so lonely. there are only two people in the entire world that were able to make me feel even a little bit less lonely. one is 99% dead most likely from suicide. ive lost all contact with this person but i do know one of the last things he said to me was actually when we were both in a mental hospital as it just so happened we both were going through a mental health crisis at the time. " im not making it to 15", he said. he was 14 at the time. i havent seen him since then. the other person is still alive and i actually get to be around them every day. its just that our relationship has become very distant and its almost like they arent the same person they used to be whatsoever. almost as if they were replaced with an imposter. all i can ever think about is death. the only way for me to not think about it is to distract myself. im just obsessed with the concept of death. death is the inevitable fate of everything. you cannot escape it. you can only distract youself from it. but it will come eventually. what fascinated me the most is that it is entirely unknown what happens after death. literally anything could happen and the only way to find out is to actually die. my fascination with death might be one of the contributing factors towards my SI . i feel as though death is just one returning somewhere. i dont know where. death is comforting. i will always have death. no matter what happens there will always be death. subjective experience exists.
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