toasterp0p
Iron
- Joined
- May 10, 2026
- Posts
- 41
- Reputation
- 17
im a pos im the one who ruined our relationship its been a bit over a year since we broke up ive had actual suicidal thoughts. i dont have any incredible flaws that majority of people can actually call out. nothing i can fix ive tried everything. this community is made up of toxic bratty people who have no respect for others. for the people who can be kind and have an empathetic human heart i hope you get everything you deserve in life.
back on topic, her name was Jayla and i quite literally got shivers from just typing her name. the days in my life feel repetitive, around the same time i contracted an incredibly rare injury named avascular necrosis, i run track and i missed my entire season because of it. im going to have to miss this upcoming season probably and have to spend thousands on surgery if nothing goes right. theres so much in my life that could be going worse so i cant even get too angry. ive tried writing ive written extremely long and intense paragraphs on why i wish i could go back and change things. no i lied i dont wish i could go back and change things i wish i could take a step forward without having to take two steps back everytime i think about her name. i dont hate my life because im actually in a pretty good spot right now. im 6 foot and i have incredibly efficient muscle building genetics. but i feel like a damn failure because im just sitting on my ass all day doing nothing. i dont even enjoy cussing im a christian i don't like to cuss and say cuss words. my room is full of trash trheres countless arizona bottles on my table right now chicken bones plates everything. fuck i feel like a loser im genuinely a failure in life. i feel like i ruin everything i touch. im about to get medicated for ADHD and i feel like right at the moment i see life as just white and black. i havent been able to cry in so long i feel like a hollow husk like bones and blood just going through the motions. i wake up feeling hopeless and i try to put on a smile because i know that there are so many times that i've been blessed. there are children who have everything taken away from them so i feel as i'm not alllowed to feel sad. how selfish and horrible i am. i live in a nice house, sure my parents are divorced but i have food on the table, i have a job and i have friends.
on a mental note i cant even begin to start speaking on my mind its an enigmatic wasteland of trash and filth. i've been porn addicted, and masturbated atleastv once a day. its definitely hurt my mind. i feel myself looking at women differently. the sexual machinations i go through are sickening. i see people differently. i feel like this is definitely one of the reasons we broke up. ill get into that right now, keep in mind this is the first time ive wrote out our entire timeline so there are some missing details most likely.
me and jayla began talking late 2022 in i think november. i was in my 7th grade lunch and i remember my friend her name was anaiyah and she was friends with jayla. i remember i was in the lunch line with anaiyah and i see jayla a few tables away and i told her how cute she looked. also, i didnt realize this at the moment but i had 2 classes with her that year. my science (which was 4th period i think) and my math class (which was my 7th period). i remember one day i went up to her and she had a bag of lollipops a big one, i asked her for one and she gave it to me. i remember i added her on snapchat (forgot how i obtained it), then i thanked her for it and asked if i could have another the next time i saw her in class. she said yes. the next day she gives me one. theres a massive blur in between this part but ill try to remember for you guys. i was friends with another girl her name is allisson and she was also friends with jayla. so i get added to a facetime call with them both and were all having fun i think playing some roblox too. also keep in mind im dating a girl named jordyn atm. flash maybe a few days im not sure if it was a private call between us or the facetime, but i "accidentally" fell asleep otp with jayla. me andj ordyn break up a little bit after not too sure why. then i remember like we had a seventh grade dance and we went as friends. and at this time i had a feeling jayla had feelings for me because we were best friends texting everyday. also, im introduced to her best friend in a grade above us named hannah, after thedance she tells me that she knows someone who likes me, i ask hwo and its one of hannahs friends name lily "apparently". i ask for a photo and she sends it to me. not the best looking girl, i tell her im not interested. Then ithink a few days later likely during winter break, i remember this vividly. I was on the phone late with jayla and hannah was at her house i think. We were just middle schoolers but we were talking about our crushes, in middle school corny fashion. Then i asked her (in a flirting way i guess), how she would feel if i liked her and im not really too sure about a lot of the detailsbut she asksme back. and i tellher i'd like it. then iremember we began dating that night. january 28th.
i feel like i just betrayed her and ive honestly thought about it alot this week, i didnt just betray her, i betrayed her mother. we were kidsbut i went to her house quite often about once a week every week on the weekends. we were young dumb horny kids but we didnt do anything beyond making out for a while. it wasfun i remember she had a stepdad, slightly violent but pretty funny, shenever liked him but would always wish her real dad wanted a relationship with her. i always promised her id treat her better than any man ever could. i rtemember one day her and her family brung me to a part of town ive never been too and they even gave me onje of their own jackets because it was holiday time and i remember crying tears of joy. i dont think she saw me tho. another one of our memoriesi rermember is us going to a haunted trail. thats the latest iveever stayed out. 12 pm i got home. i just remember her dad had this black truck, very fast and we weregoing down this one road. it was night so not a lot of ppl were on it atm. i juust remember we were flying down the road windows down. as i kid, that was one thing iver always wanted to experience. and then she was just right there with me. and i loved her. and she loved me. there were a lot of dates we had where we'd go behind this harris teeter near my house and just eat honeybuns and talk with eachother, wenever needed electronics because i loved her and she loved me so much and honestly evenbeyond that i feel like we were made for eachother, our personalities just fit so well i've quite literally never met a person as easy to talk to as her itis insane. lastly i remember we would hang in this baskin robbins and just share milkshakes and love eachother and hug. the manager there was an older lady who loved to watch us just be so in love.
but i ruined it all
i cheated, i dont have a clue why i did, i was just young dumb and horny. i blame it all on myself. i cheated multiple times. and IM the one who broke up with her mind you. we broke up around 3 or 4 times. this wasthe rfourth time.
my last paragraph. i remember in november of 2025, both of our sophomoreyearsof highschool, i went to a game and she was there and this is after we broke up, we broke up july 5th of 2025. i dont even want to speak about the months that came after that. i literally lost my mind. but in niovember, i went ot a highschool game, she had a couple of friends that went to my school i had the same but in all honestly i only went becausei wanted to see her. and i remember exactly how it unfolded to. so imagine this, theres like two bleacher sections facing eachother, and thern aring on the inside that u can walk around to get to the other bleacher, a track insidethat, and the football field inside the track. theresalso a bathroom to the right side of the home bleacher. theres some lights there not a lot so its a cool scene were taking pictures theres MAD people like a lot . i was with my friends chatting it up and laughing until i just turn around on instinct to look arounsd and its like a sore thumb sticking out as people are moving to get around like a big crowd. shes aroujnd 5 meters away and i just see her walking straight faced. i look aweay and my heart feels likle it just skipped a beat. it all came floodingback. fast forward tomaybe 15 minutes around in the game i already saw her around 3 times and each time she waseither laughing, or looking away. i literally walk out the field and just sit outside with myself. game ends my friends and i go home and im thinking like crazy. my sister and her were pretty ok friends before so i ask her to jusrt call her up. she does andhses just talking to her. i then email her because i couldnt stop thinking about her that night. she emails me bakc and we end up adfding on discord. and i tell her everything and she does too. excuse my text im shaking and my keyboard got sauce spilt on it earlier today. for about two weekswerer doing good and actually we start textign not consistently butv atlewast once a day butthen she unadds me. i get sad again and i tell my friend whos also friends with her and she asks me if i want her to ask her about it. i say its fine but then that night jayla emails me againsaying she accidentally unfriended me (which she latertold me was a lie and she was just upset). we do good again but aroumnd another week in. she stops going online. i wait like 3 days, after that i just text her thanking her for everything and then block her.
im losing my marbles without this girl. she was one of the first people to ever make me feel truly understood. :/
back on topic, her name was Jayla and i quite literally got shivers from just typing her name. the days in my life feel repetitive, around the same time i contracted an incredibly rare injury named avascular necrosis, i run track and i missed my entire season because of it. im going to have to miss this upcoming season probably and have to spend thousands on surgery if nothing goes right. theres so much in my life that could be going worse so i cant even get too angry. ive tried writing ive written extremely long and intense paragraphs on why i wish i could go back and change things. no i lied i dont wish i could go back and change things i wish i could take a step forward without having to take two steps back everytime i think about her name. i dont hate my life because im actually in a pretty good spot right now. im 6 foot and i have incredibly efficient muscle building genetics. but i feel like a damn failure because im just sitting on my ass all day doing nothing. i dont even enjoy cussing im a christian i don't like to cuss and say cuss words. my room is full of trash trheres countless arizona bottles on my table right now chicken bones plates everything. fuck i feel like a loser im genuinely a failure in life. i feel like i ruin everything i touch. im about to get medicated for ADHD and i feel like right at the moment i see life as just white and black. i havent been able to cry in so long i feel like a hollow husk like bones and blood just going through the motions. i wake up feeling hopeless and i try to put on a smile because i know that there are so many times that i've been blessed. there are children who have everything taken away from them so i feel as i'm not alllowed to feel sad. how selfish and horrible i am. i live in a nice house, sure my parents are divorced but i have food on the table, i have a job and i have friends.
on a mental note i cant even begin to start speaking on my mind its an enigmatic wasteland of trash and filth. i've been porn addicted, and masturbated atleastv once a day. its definitely hurt my mind. i feel myself looking at women differently. the sexual machinations i go through are sickening. i see people differently. i feel like this is definitely one of the reasons we broke up. ill get into that right now, keep in mind this is the first time ive wrote out our entire timeline so there are some missing details most likely.
me and jayla began talking late 2022 in i think november. i was in my 7th grade lunch and i remember my friend her name was anaiyah and she was friends with jayla. i remember i was in the lunch line with anaiyah and i see jayla a few tables away and i told her how cute she looked. also, i didnt realize this at the moment but i had 2 classes with her that year. my science (which was 4th period i think) and my math class (which was my 7th period). i remember one day i went up to her and she had a bag of lollipops a big one, i asked her for one and she gave it to me. i remember i added her on snapchat (forgot how i obtained it), then i thanked her for it and asked if i could have another the next time i saw her in class. she said yes. the next day she gives me one. theres a massive blur in between this part but ill try to remember for you guys. i was friends with another girl her name is allisson and she was also friends with jayla. so i get added to a facetime call with them both and were all having fun i think playing some roblox too. also keep in mind im dating a girl named jordyn atm. flash maybe a few days im not sure if it was a private call between us or the facetime, but i "accidentally" fell asleep otp with jayla. me andj ordyn break up a little bit after not too sure why. then i remember like we had a seventh grade dance and we went as friends. and at this time i had a feeling jayla had feelings for me because we were best friends texting everyday. also, im introduced to her best friend in a grade above us named hannah, after thedance she tells me that she knows someone who likes me, i ask hwo and its one of hannahs friends name lily "apparently". i ask for a photo and she sends it to me. not the best looking girl, i tell her im not interested. Then ithink a few days later likely during winter break, i remember this vividly. I was on the phone late with jayla and hannah was at her house i think. We were just middle schoolers but we were talking about our crushes, in middle school corny fashion. Then i asked her (in a flirting way i guess), how she would feel if i liked her and im not really too sure about a lot of the detailsbut she asksme back. and i tellher i'd like it. then iremember we began dating that night. january 28th.
i feel like i just betrayed her and ive honestly thought about it alot this week, i didnt just betray her, i betrayed her mother. we were kidsbut i went to her house quite often about once a week every week on the weekends. we were young dumb horny kids but we didnt do anything beyond making out for a while. it wasfun i remember she had a stepdad, slightly violent but pretty funny, shenever liked him but would always wish her real dad wanted a relationship with her. i always promised her id treat her better than any man ever could. i rtemember one day her and her family brung me to a part of town ive never been too and they even gave me onje of their own jackets because it was holiday time and i remember crying tears of joy. i dont think she saw me tho. another one of our memoriesi rermember is us going to a haunted trail. thats the latest iveever stayed out. 12 pm i got home. i just remember her dad had this black truck, very fast and we weregoing down this one road. it was night so not a lot of ppl were on it atm. i juust remember we were flying down the road windows down. as i kid, that was one thing iver always wanted to experience. and then she was just right there with me. and i loved her. and she loved me. there were a lot of dates we had where we'd go behind this harris teeter near my house and just eat honeybuns and talk with eachother, wenever needed electronics because i loved her and she loved me so much and honestly evenbeyond that i feel like we were made for eachother, our personalities just fit so well i've quite literally never met a person as easy to talk to as her itis insane. lastly i remember we would hang in this baskin robbins and just share milkshakes and love eachother and hug. the manager there was an older lady who loved to watch us just be so in love.
but i ruined it all
i cheated, i dont have a clue why i did, i was just young dumb and horny. i blame it all on myself. i cheated multiple times. and IM the one who broke up with her mind you. we broke up around 3 or 4 times. this wasthe rfourth time.
my last paragraph. i remember in november of 2025, both of our sophomoreyearsof highschool, i went to a game and she was there and this is after we broke up, we broke up july 5th of 2025. i dont even want to speak about the months that came after that. i literally lost my mind. but in niovember, i went ot a highschool game, she had a couple of friends that went to my school i had the same but in all honestly i only went becausei wanted to see her. and i remember exactly how it unfolded to. so imagine this, theres like two bleacher sections facing eachother, and thern aring on the inside that u can walk around to get to the other bleacher, a track insidethat, and the football field inside the track. theresalso a bathroom to the right side of the home bleacher. theres some lights there not a lot so its a cool scene were taking pictures theres MAD people like a lot . i was with my friends chatting it up and laughing until i just turn around on instinct to look arounsd and its like a sore thumb sticking out as people are moving to get around like a big crowd. shes aroujnd 5 meters away and i just see her walking straight faced. i look aweay and my heart feels likle it just skipped a beat. it all came floodingback. fast forward tomaybe 15 minutes around in the game i already saw her around 3 times and each time she waseither laughing, or looking away. i literally walk out the field and just sit outside with myself. game ends my friends and i go home and im thinking like crazy. my sister and her were pretty ok friends before so i ask her to jusrt call her up. she does andhses just talking to her. i then email her because i couldnt stop thinking about her that night. she emails me bakc and we end up adfding on discord. and i tell her everything and she does too. excuse my text im shaking and my keyboard got sauce spilt on it earlier today. for about two weekswerer doing good and actually we start textign not consistently butv atlewast once a day butthen she unadds me. i get sad again and i tell my friend whos also friends with her and she asks me if i want her to ask her about it. i say its fine but then that night jayla emails me againsaying she accidentally unfriended me (which she latertold me was a lie and she was just upset). we do good again but aroumnd another week in. she stops going online. i wait like 3 days, after that i just text her thanking her for everything and then block her.
im losing my marbles without this girl. she was one of the first people to ever make me feel truly understood. :/
