will socialization be brutalizing for me? (side profile)

[Lefty Rankin]

tight witme. ment,societ

what i wonder is if actually strictly follow this philosophy; i would imagine there are times where you feel even the most minute social pressures, vulnerability, and/or care for what a person close to you thinks of you. because we're only human

No social pressure. And vulnerability I think not. I really don't know what you mean by it though. I've had instances where I was nearly discovered for theft, vandalism, and crossing borders with a significant amount of drugs before. Never really felt vulnerable of the judgement/opinions of anyone during thse close calls though. I only cared about the major inconvenience those would have cased me if caught.

I care about what my wife and kid think about me but that's about it. That being said I've never doubted they'll both hold me in very high regard no matter what i do. Like I'll do things that greatly upset her but she still loves and respects me more tham anyone she's ever known, such as her family whom she loves and respects a great deal.

For more than a month now I've been binging on porn while shooting up crystal meth. Like that's all I've done besides going out to walk through the streets at all hours day and night, eat once every few days, play on this forum and have sex with her as well. Like to give you an idea how bad it is I've only slept for four hours in the last six days, and that's when I dosed off yesterday morning.

She's understandably scared and has had a few heavy crying bouts over the past weeks. She knows just how bad this drug is and I've never used it in the past 8 years since we've been married. Like with everything else though she ultimately trusts that I know what I'm doing. I'm just having a little play. She'll be alright. When my five year old sees me walking around the apartment contorting my face and babbling to myself 90 miles an hour at the top of my lungs and asks me why I'm different I tell him it's because I'm in drugs.

My wife knows everything about me. She knows about the copious amounts of sex with I used to have with hookers. How I used to degrade them and purposefully make them uncomfortable during the acts to get my rocks off harder. She knows about all the extreme animal abuse. She knows how I've fantsized about brutally raping her before were together when we were co workers, along with quite a few of the other girls from that office. She knows about how I've fantasized about brutally raping my mother. She knows about all the things I've done to past girlfriends. If I ever cheated on her with another woman she'd know about that too, but fortunately for her I have strong principles regarding marriage.

My wife is the most important person in the world to me. If I cared what anybody thought of me it would be her. You might be inclined to think she's a piece of trash but that's hardly the case. She's the exact opposite of myself when it comes to that. She's never been with any other man but me, never tried any drug, never touched a cigarette or vape, would never dream of getting a tattoo, doesn't curse, and has only touched alcohol one time in her life when all the girls from a kindergarten she worked at threw her a going away party and she got very drunk. The beauty and the beast dynamic is the best, I've always said.

Forgive the lengthy reply. It's the meth.

Anyways, I'm just trying to paint a picture here. I honestly don't place value on myself with any regards for what anybody else might think of me. The only thing that's ever mattered as far as that goes is what I think of me, based on my own principles which probably have very little to do with the principles most people have which were influenced by society. It's not a philosophy. It's just one of those natural virtues I was born with like we were talking about yesterday.

I'm not saying you have to live like me or not care about the well being of people. What I'm saying is you don't have to be emotionally effected in any way by what other people think of you. And you shouldn't, not ever, because it can only serve to either have you cowed and anxiety ridden or led astray by silver tongued praise. That's it. Emotion is not needed whatsoever to socially calibrate. You can not care what anybody thinks of you in the slightest increment and still be the most genuinely loving benevolent man on earth, as well as the most socially graceful. Even if you happen to be that exact man in absolute truth there would be too many people who would get you wrong and call you evil anyways, millions because you'd probably be pretty renowned throughout the world, so why care?

 

[xlefort]

Forgive the lengthy reply. It's the meth.

its okay bro, id prefer this over some iqlet nincompoop replying to me with "dnr"
forgive the sloppy reply because my fingers are lazy from guitar practice

can i ask how you even found this space and why you joined org specifically? you didnt talk about your history with looksmaxxing but it seems like you dont strictly follow bp based off what you previously said on how looks dont matter to the extent people say it does, as well as your age, family, etc.
i just wouldnt expect that this forum give someone like you any sustenance

No social pressure. And vulnerability I think not. I really don't know what you mean by it though. I've had instances where I was nearly discovered for theft, vandalism, and crossing borders with a significant amount of drugs before. Never really felt vulnerable of the judgement/opinions of anyone during thse close calls though. I only cared about the major inconvenience those would have cased me if caught.

i get what youre saying and i definitely believe you when you say youre not very affected by other peoples opinions
some people are naturally less concerned with social approval than others, whether you found the rationale behind it or not
i dont want to make it seem like im trying to find a hole in your logic, but what i struggle to concur with is thinking that being completely detached from outside perspectives is always a strength, sometimes the people closest to us see things that we cant

adjacently, i think theres an obvious difference between not being controlled by other peoples opinions and being totally indifferent to them; the former seems healthier than the latter to me
the latter seems like it could make it easy to miss when youre hurting yourself or the people around you, and thats exactly what sounds like is happening to both you and your loved ones based on what you told me about the reactions of your wife and kid
id need to be a retard not to see the correlation

to be more direct, and even though its none of my damn business, the fact that your wife is crying because shes worried about you and your response is basically "she'll be alright" is exactly why im not convinced this absolute indifference to other peoples feelings is a virtue all of the time

it may be worth mentioning that i believe every human being is influenced by others in some way whether they realize it or not, even choosing to reject society is still defining yourself in relation to it. complete independence from all external influence seems impossible to me, and ive contemplated these things for periods of time way longer than i should have
no matter who you are, what you do, or how you think, no one is exempt from causality. we're slaves to it, and ive yet to find a rational rebuttal to this

i could just be reaffirming what you already think since i may have misunderstood or interpreted what you believe through a lens lacking in sympathy. regardless, despite how lame it might sound coming from someone of my background, i know that feeling all too well of being misunderstood
i can definitely relate to you there, and also in that i dont feel the urgency to tell people the way i think unless in a completely safe, recreational environment with a trusted individual, exclusively for shits and giggles
most people really just do not get it, not the slightest clue, and thats okay
thats why its so great you have your close family, you dont need some random teenager on org to tell you this but you should always cherish and love them just as they do for you. unconditional love is such a scarce and elusive thing, and this kind of familial love is the closest kind of love there is to being unconditional

and honestly brother i appreciate the honesty, i actually agree with a surprising amount of what youve said and i can respect someone who speaks openly about themselves rather than pretending to be something theyre not. i wont even attempt to try and give you advice on how to fix the many issues you have, but i do pray that you get better, for your sake and your family's

maybe a gay little tldr: not caring what people think can protect you from anxiety but it can also protect you from self reflection, i think both are worth considering