seven?
wish i was special
- Joined
- Feb 28, 2025
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I’m not sure why I’m writing this. Maybe I just needed to put it somewhere. Maybe because there’s a quiet kind of pain that doesn’t scream it just lingers.
When other kids were enjoying life , playing outside, watching cartoons, laughing without knowing why
I was standing in front of a mirror.
Not smiling. Not admiring. Just staring.
I don’t know what I was looking for.
Maybe beauty. Maybe a reason.
I found it when I was around twelve.
It didn’t feel like something new. It felt like something I had already been doing, without a name.
From then on, the mirror stopped being glass. It became truth.
Every morning was a checklist. Every photo a failure. Every flaw — magnified, memorized.
I wanted to be the 6'4", blue-eyed figure people stop and stare at — not because I said something, but because I am something. Someone who doesn’t need to be explained.
But when I walk outside, no one stares.
No one whispers. No one asks, “Is he even real?”
I’m not that person.
I'm just someone who copes.
At best, I’m normal. On good days, maybe slightly above.
But I wasn’t meant to be almost.
I never talked to girls — not out of hate, but fear.
Fear of being seen.
Fear they’d look at me the way I look at myself
And as the years passed, something even stranger began to happen.
I found myself attracting into deep limerence with sub‑6 girls who managed to be 9+ in my eyes — even when I knew their proportions were off, their symmetry flawed.
They weren’t perfect. But something about them felt familiar.
I wasn’t falling in love. I was searching for safety.
Maybe hoping that someone flawed could see me and think: he’s just like me.
And I started to wonder...
If I can feel so much for someone the world ignores — could someone ever feel the same for me?
Not because I’m objectively attractive.
But because they see something no one else does.
Idk if it’s because I’m autistic or if I was born like this.
Idk if I’ve changed or not.
Idk if I’m destroying my life or just ascending.
Idk.
Punching my bones repeatedly.
Thinking of taking pills without prescription.
Watching edits I know won’t change anything.
Reading Cope Guides/Course knowing it won't change anything
Idk what I’m doing.
But I know how rare that feeling of being truly seen is.
That’s why I chase perfection.
Not to be liked.
To be undeniable.
We don’t want cars.
We don’t want money.
We don’t want clothes.
We want to be beautiful.
Or maybe I’m just coping.
David Gandy-tier.
Broad appeal. No doubt. No rejection. No maybe.
I don’t know if I’m fixing myself or just covering the cracks.
I don’t know if I’m improving or just hiding better.
Maybe I’ve been coping since I was twelve.
All I know is…
I want to be loved.
But only after I become beautiful.
Maybe that’s broken.
But at least it’s honest.
I always tell myself I’ll change.
That I’ll do the workouts.
That I’ll run tomorrow.
That I’ll fix it all — discipline, diet, routine.
But I never do.
Maybe I’m lazy.
Or maybe I just know the truth.
I look in the mirror… and think:
Nothing’s going to change.
Loneliness has followed me my whole life — everywhere. In cars, bars, sidewalks, stores.
There’s no escape.
I’m God’s lonely man.
- Taxi Driver
Till this day, I look myself in the mirror and hate what I see.
I never really changed.
I’m still the same Seven who stood in front of that mirror at twelve.
My life feels pointless.
I have nothing to do. No direction. No map.
Every day bleeds into the next —
A silent loop of thoughts, mirrors, and regrets.
Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in a matrix I can’t escape.
Or maybe… I don’t even want to.
Maybe the cage is familiar now.
Maybe the sadness is comfortable.
I don’t know.
But it’s all I’ve ever known.
I don’t know if I’ll ascend or not.
But I know I’ll never become what I truly wanted to be.
I’m just a loser.
A coper.
A shadow chasing a dream that was never real.
that was never possible
apologies for bad english
Regards
seven
