Aezac
Selective Misanthropist
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2025
- Posts
- 2,930
- Reputation
- 2,579
I grew up as an ND kid and was very hyper and low inhib, as the years grew and I let myself go. Society got more brutal and brutal, girls laughing at me left and right. My own friends laughing at me, and joining in. It made me more aware of my own actions and made my inhibition incredibly high.
Society has never treated me like a human being, it all stems from my genetics and upbringing. Maybe if my 5,6 dad never got the idea to make another kid I wouldn't be experiencing utter misery.
Everyday is misery, I remember there was a time where Ishowspeed hosted split or steal I pleaded with my opponent to split, as the money could've benefited me to new clothes, I was made fun of at school for wearing the same clothes every day. My parents lavish my sister with new clothes because its "online and cheap" but if I ask for anything online my parents make my siblings look into it and the answer is usually "no" or "get it soon when I have money" the amount of times I've heard the money line is ridiculous. Time-Time I see my dads debit card funds and its absolutely loaded, but 1 millionth of the time wanting to be spent on something that will benefit me is harder than getting a drivers license?
Back to the split or steal, the kid steals and I split like the retard I am thinking he was a genuine person, he took the 100 dollars. Some people in speeds chat were shitting on me, I saw all these chats in real time but hid my facial expressions.
Time passes and I get a tiny status bump at my school for posting it on my store, the same exact kid "Nitro camden" got raided by StableRonaldo, he celebrates, his mom comes in, beats his ass on live. And he's given dozens of opportunities for success. Where were my opportunities?
My mom has beat my ass but did anyone ever send me money? This world is hell, there is no "hell" if God exists he hates me. The only hell is here, we're living on it. Genetic blessings praised for merely existing, but for existing I get laughed, mocked, ridiculed and it never gets better.
I've never wanted to kill myself so much, I want to do it right now. If God really exists and there is hell, maybe its better than living.
I dont see a better future for me, its over. How will I get money for any gear if my dad wont fund it, his rule is if I get good grades I get good stuff. How can I obtain good grades when the second he procreated with my mother, he was inconsiderate and never listened to my teachers advice on ND testing. I can't focus in class for 5 minutes without zoning out to the point my mates point it out and mock my zoning out face.
My "bullies" and foes are making it in life, whilst I am staying stuck in the past. I want to move out and make my own money but I am only 15 and my visa prevents me from working even at the legal age.
I might ponder more, if nothing goes right, next summer when I go to my home country, I'll load the shotgun, dig a grave, walk far from the farm and blow my brains out while inside the grave. I might not even do this, I am a fucking miserable pussy. I dont know why I am even venting to you guys but I have nothing else to do, whilst that other kid is out there, making new connections with huge streamers for experiencing what I would always experience, the only different was that its on camera.
Society has never treated me like a human being, it all stems from my genetics and upbringing. Maybe if my 5,6 dad never got the idea to make another kid I wouldn't be experiencing utter misery.
Everyday is misery, I remember there was a time where Ishowspeed hosted split or steal I pleaded with my opponent to split, as the money could've benefited me to new clothes, I was made fun of at school for wearing the same clothes every day. My parents lavish my sister with new clothes because its "online and cheap" but if I ask for anything online my parents make my siblings look into it and the answer is usually "no" or "get it soon when I have money" the amount of times I've heard the money line is ridiculous. Time-Time I see my dads debit card funds and its absolutely loaded, but 1 millionth of the time wanting to be spent on something that will benefit me is harder than getting a drivers license?
Back to the split or steal, the kid steals and I split like the retard I am thinking he was a genuine person, he took the 100 dollars. Some people in speeds chat were shitting on me, I saw all these chats in real time but hid my facial expressions.
Time passes and I get a tiny status bump at my school for posting it on my store, the same exact kid "Nitro camden" got raided by StableRonaldo, he celebrates, his mom comes in, beats his ass on live. And he's given dozens of opportunities for success. Where were my opportunities?
My mom has beat my ass but did anyone ever send me money? This world is hell, there is no "hell" if God exists he hates me. The only hell is here, we're living on it. Genetic blessings praised for merely existing, but for existing I get laughed, mocked, ridiculed and it never gets better.
I've never wanted to kill myself so much, I want to do it right now. If God really exists and there is hell, maybe its better than living.
I dont see a better future for me, its over. How will I get money for any gear if my dad wont fund it, his rule is if I get good grades I get good stuff. How can I obtain good grades when the second he procreated with my mother, he was inconsiderate and never listened to my teachers advice on ND testing. I can't focus in class for 5 minutes without zoning out to the point my mates point it out and mock my zoning out face.
My "bullies" and foes are making it in life, whilst I am staying stuck in the past. I want to move out and make my own money but I am only 15 and my visa prevents me from working even at the legal age.
I might ponder more, if nothing goes right, next summer when I go to my home country, I'll load the shotgun, dig a grave, walk far from the farm and blow my brains out while inside the grave. I might not even do this, I am a fucking miserable pussy. I dont know why I am even venting to you guys but I have nothing else to do, whilst that other kid is out there, making new connections with huge streamers for experiencing what I would always experience, the only different was that its on camera.
