You know it’s over when thoughts of suicide have started to actually calm you down

[Deleted member 38494]

I’ve thought about suicide for a long time now. Been suicidal for several years. I don’t know if there was a day in the last two years that I haven’t thought about suicide. The weird thing is, that when I first started getting badly suicidal, I was scared of it. I was afraid, I would hyperventilate thinking about it. I wanted to escape it. But over the time thoughts about suicide have started to actually calm me down, cause when Life is so bad it only makes sense. It’s the finale escape from all this suffering. I know now that I’m broken. I think my mind is lying to me when it tells me to hold onto hope and frankly so many people have died before me and will after me, so it’s not as scary as it seemed to be at first.

When I fall asleep at night I think about killing myself, cause I’m starting to look forward to it. I wish life was different. I wish I never made the mistakes I made. I wish I could be happy and enjoy life, I wish life wasn’t so unfair but sadly I’m depressed, I made the mistakes I made, I can’t enjoy life and life is unfair and I also don’t think I can change my way of thinking. I think I’m broken, so suicide means freeing myself of this pain once and for all.

I used to be so afraid of how my family would react to my death and I’m still scared that they will think I’m selfish for it but with time I really am starting to realise that it will be the best for them! I’m such a burden to them and I think they know that, even if they don’t want to admit it, but I am. So knowing I will relieve them of this burden that is me also makes me less scared and sad about suicide.

So when it gets too unbearable (so almost always) thinking about suicide calms me down, sometimes I can even smile thinking about it, cause it will be the end of my mental pain.

dnr

 

[Deleted member 68502]

dnr