hax
esoteric prob
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2025
- Posts
- 8,507
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TLDR: REAL LIFE IS EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGH IT WAS AND MY PROBLEMS AREN'T TEMPORARY OBSESSIONS
(mostly just rant yet again, read for entertainment)
this was my first time off the forum for more than 24 hours in months, and i thought maybe, just maybe, i’d try to “enjoy life” for once.
no, @imontheloose, i didn’t rope… i’m still here and online, unfortunately for me.
i spent three days in a five-star hotel with my entire family (cousins, grandparents, uncle…), probably one of the nicest places i’ve ever stayed in. like 800 dollars a night, middle of the mountains, spa, insane food, panoramas everywhere. the kind of place that’s so clean and perfect it makes you dizzy when you walk in for the first time.
i thought going offline for a few days would help me, instead it made everything hit 10x harder.
the first thing that happens when i walk in is, “ohh you’ve grown so much,” followed immediately by, “oh wait no… it’s your shoes haha, it's a good fraud, those soles are insane.” really the worst way to start the day as every single person in my family is 6'5"+ and extremely rich, it made me feel like a genetic failure.
my uncle is like 6'6.
my cousin, a year younger than me, is 6'1.
my grandpa is around 6'4.
i could keep going, but you get the point, i’m the family dog.
i wanted to instantly run back to the forum to vent but forced myself not to because maybe it's moments like these where i should just let it sink in. instead i wrote down every single thing that pissed me off so i could be at peace mentally. sadly, i kept blaming my genetics and my mom in my head for hours on end, thankfully tried distracting myself later.
the hotel was nice, but everyone there was tall too. for the first time in my life i got towered over by grandmas and even female managers. it felt like an absolute joke.
and then came the lighting, raw, unforgiving, unfrauded hotel lighting.
i finally saw myself for what i actually am and realized i'm no higher than lmtn.
just an angle/lighting abuser with delusions that keep me going when i’m sitting at home in my room.
since i had no way to cope with my own looks this time, i actually felt that gut-wrenching feeling and started to crave for a relationship. i spent almost all day in the spa, literally pretending the jets underwater were someone else’s touch because i was that lonely. obviously made me feel worse every hour.
after days like that, i’d come back to eat with my family, some of the best food i’ve ever tasted, but i had to sit through my cousin flexing his daily “slays” to the whole table.
he talked about going on a school trip alone to another country and still ending up getting play from a 26 year old who sat on him, plus kissing another girl, both of them not even sharing a single language with him. they were attracted to him purely off looks, effortless. he then went on to talk about how in a few years he's going to an extremely expensive university to study there for 5 more years and get to join his millionaire dad, i didn't even want to talk, genuinely don't feel like studying after 18 and had to sit through him talking about his already fully traced rich and wealthy life.
meanwhile i was sitting there struggling to think of even one interesting thing that’s happened to me in the past six months. and when i finally talked, people would start conversations over me mid sentence. i’d end up talking to one or two bored relatives while forcing an uncomfortable smile and telling the most generic story until someone else would speak and suddenly everybody was fully listening and laughing again.
every night i went to sleep angry. one night i even woke up because i dreamed i died after pinning roids. pure rage from morning to night. the only time i felt truly relaxed was when i was daydreaming in the water, pretending it was something else touching my skin and when i was getting actual food in my mouth for the first time in ages.
this trip completely drained me and made me realize that not even the most luxurious experiences can distract me from my failure of a life.
i hate being alone with my thoughts and i hate being around people.
(mostly just rant yet again, read for entertainment)
this was my first time off the forum for more than 24 hours in months, and i thought maybe, just maybe, i’d try to “enjoy life” for once.
no, @imontheloose, i didn’t rope… i’m still here and online, unfortunately for me.
i spent three days in a five-star hotel with my entire family (cousins, grandparents, uncle…), probably one of the nicest places i’ve ever stayed in. like 800 dollars a night, middle of the mountains, spa, insane food, panoramas everywhere. the kind of place that’s so clean and perfect it makes you dizzy when you walk in for the first time.
i thought going offline for a few days would help me, instead it made everything hit 10x harder.
the first thing that happens when i walk in is, “ohh you’ve grown so much,” followed immediately by, “oh wait no… it’s your shoes haha, it's a good fraud, those soles are insane.” really the worst way to start the day as every single person in my family is 6'5"+ and extremely rich, it made me feel like a genetic failure.
my uncle is like 6'6.
my cousin, a year younger than me, is 6'1.
my grandpa is around 6'4.
i could keep going, but you get the point, i’m the family dog.
i wanted to instantly run back to the forum to vent but forced myself not to because maybe it's moments like these where i should just let it sink in. instead i wrote down every single thing that pissed me off so i could be at peace mentally. sadly, i kept blaming my genetics and my mom in my head for hours on end, thankfully tried distracting myself later.
the hotel was nice, but everyone there was tall too. for the first time in my life i got towered over by grandmas and even female managers. it felt like an absolute joke.
and then came the lighting, raw, unforgiving, unfrauded hotel lighting.
i finally saw myself for what i actually am and realized i'm no higher than lmtn.
just an angle/lighting abuser with delusions that keep me going when i’m sitting at home in my room.
since i had no way to cope with my own looks this time, i actually felt that gut-wrenching feeling and started to crave for a relationship. i spent almost all day in the spa, literally pretending the jets underwater were someone else’s touch because i was that lonely. obviously made me feel worse every hour.
after days like that, i’d come back to eat with my family, some of the best food i’ve ever tasted, but i had to sit through my cousin flexing his daily “slays” to the whole table.
he talked about going on a school trip alone to another country and still ending up getting play from a 26 year old who sat on him, plus kissing another girl, both of them not even sharing a single language with him. they were attracted to him purely off looks, effortless. he then went on to talk about how in a few years he's going to an extremely expensive university to study there for 5 more years and get to join his millionaire dad, i didn't even want to talk, genuinely don't feel like studying after 18 and had to sit through him talking about his already fully traced rich and wealthy life.
meanwhile i was sitting there struggling to think of even one interesting thing that’s happened to me in the past six months. and when i finally talked, people would start conversations over me mid sentence. i’d end up talking to one or two bored relatives while forcing an uncomfortable smile and telling the most generic story until someone else would speak and suddenly everybody was fully listening and laughing again.
every night i went to sleep angry. one night i even woke up because i dreamed i died after pinning roids. pure rage from morning to night. the only time i felt truly relaxed was when i was daydreaming in the water, pretending it was something else touching my skin and when i was getting actual food in my mouth for the first time in ages.
this trip completely drained me and made me realize that not even the most luxurious experiences can distract me from my failure of a life.
i hate being alone with my thoughts and i hate being around people.
