ja37viggenlover
Iron
- Joined
- Sep 2, 2023
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TL;DR - black man talks about his views on religion, women, and himself in one long ass yapperdoodle text
For starters, although I went to the mental hospital, I know that I'm not (fully) crazy, I just went into psychosis. I tried to talk with my dad about how the "sins of my past" hold me back, and instead of trying to "understand" me, he just kept being fully blunt. When I told him how I felt bad about all the people I had accidentally bullied in the past at school ("accidentally" because I'd made crude jokes about people; for example, a friend of mine has many mental problems and many physical problems, and freshman year of highschool I told them that they "lost the genetic lottery") he kept jumping to conclusions saying "I think about bad because I want to do bad" and "I miss doing bad" (for context, I used to be addicted to smoking weed [which really isn't even that crazy, but regardless]) and I kept getting frustrated at his bullshit replies, but then he told me that me thinking about the past so often is what ends up leading to depression, and that my problem is that I'm too selfish and not "goal-oriented", and at first I was thinking "How can I be selfish if I've cared about people all my life???", but then I looked past the fact he used the word "selfish" and realized that he is right about one thing: I care about the past because I have all the time to focus on the past, and I could be using that time to instead focus on the future ahead of me. Going along with that, before I went into the mental hospital my school was talking about the parallels between Hinduism/Buddhism and Judaism/Christianity in the light that both Christianity and Buddhism broke off from a hierarchical religion (goycattle/the caste system) and shit, and in general I found a big like for Siddhartha Gautama because he was insanely wise (his guidance on the way to "enlightenment" and eliminating "dukkha" [suffering, or in a more general term one's dislikes in life]) and his 8 paths was really close. I found myself saying "Wow, I really wish the Buddha and Jesus met, it's a real shame he died 500 years before the birth of Christ", and then I started to wonder about the Creator of everything, because I don't fully believe that the Christian God is the only way to view God, because you're telling me that all these cultures around the world experience God in different ways but the God written from the perspectives of extremely selfish Semites is the only way to view God?? I mean, these people had a God who freed them from slavery, gave them everything they needed, and at the end of the day they still decided to go worship some damn golden calf??? Irregardless of everything I said, my main point is that my perspective has been broadened from my past 17 years of life to where I know: that Jesus Christ is my lord and savior, I want to live only for Him because he is the only one who will understand me in this life and besides him everyone else's opinion of who I am is complete shit because I know I'll never harm anybody physically unless provoked too, and that religion in general is nothing but a dividing tool when used by humans in power, but also that tradition in itself isn't wrong. I love going to Catholic mass and chanting hymns as it makes me feel closer to God and I'm sure many others feel the same way. My mom always bitches about my clothing saying "oh you have to look presentable", but I don't give a fuck that I've been using the same torn jacket since freshman year; all I care about in this life is practicality, and the jacket fits all my needs: it has multiple pockets, it's comfortable, and it's light enough that I can use it when it's 50 degrees out and windy but good enough that I can use it in extremely cold weather (as long as it's been heated up beforehand). In the bible it is said you will know people by their fruit, and my fruit will only be my actions, nothing more. If I dress like a bum, then so be it. If I talk like a bum, then so be it. When I transferred schools, the sheriff of my county looked me up and down and mean mugged me while asking which county I came from, but I don't care as I don't have to be what he thinks I am, I only have to be what I know I am. Wrapping this yapperdoodle text up, I've spent 17 years without ever so much as ever holding a girls hand because all my life I've been taught to be blunt, be honest, and be the perfect bland human being, and as good of an adult I may make out to be, I'm a teenager, and 99% of teenagers my age don't care about that shit. I realize a lot of people would rather be told beautiful lies than the ugly truth, and if I want to get a girlfriend anytime before 27 (when all the options on the market are 70% single moms) I'm gonna have to learn to teach myself how to be a teenager instead of the grown adult my immigrant parents wish for me to be. Post mental hospital trip though, life feels a lot like GTA. It feels nice to not be crazy and think that the entire world revolves around me; but at the same time I fully know when my perception is true and when it isn't, and I know that by the CT scan I don't have any real mental health issues (brain wise), so I'll live my life, and I won't play these weird games with people. I hate crossing boundaries with other people because I hate when my boundaries are crossed (at least physically, I'll gladly cross boundaries when it comes to literally anything else), yet it seems like a lot of women want you to cross boundaries to get to them, and so I'll sit here and live my life, I'll talk to people as I seem to be a good people person, I'll keep myself at 215 pounds (as I was starvemaxxing myself down to 215 for wrestling previously, and now I'm just here and my body looks the best it ever has at 18% bf), I'll walk through this life without fearing that I could be "manipulative" or "overly lustful", as my friend said it best: the fact that I hate traits about myself isn't a bad thing, as he told me of his manager at his workplace that admitted to masturbating to his own daughter from time to time. I have nothing to fear in this life but the judgment of God, and I know that He is always forgiving of me, and so I'll only truly chase His validation. I'll be goal-oriented, but I'll also be as comfortable as I want. I know I work well in systems, I know I hate having an "ego" (even though every human has an ego in one way or another), I know I hate hurting other peoples feelings, and so I'll walk through life with these truths of myself in mind, but I'll stop crying about what I've already done, but instead I'll look forward and make sure not to make the same mistakes twice. If you read all this bullshit I commend you, and apologize for wasting your time.
For starters, although I went to the mental hospital, I know that I'm not (fully) crazy, I just went into psychosis. I tried to talk with my dad about how the "sins of my past" hold me back, and instead of trying to "understand" me, he just kept being fully blunt. When I told him how I felt bad about all the people I had accidentally bullied in the past at school ("accidentally" because I'd made crude jokes about people; for example, a friend of mine has many mental problems and many physical problems, and freshman year of highschool I told them that they "lost the genetic lottery") he kept jumping to conclusions saying "I think about bad because I want to do bad" and "I miss doing bad" (for context, I used to be addicted to smoking weed [which really isn't even that crazy, but regardless]) and I kept getting frustrated at his bullshit replies, but then he told me that me thinking about the past so often is what ends up leading to depression, and that my problem is that I'm too selfish and not "goal-oriented", and at first I was thinking "How can I be selfish if I've cared about people all my life???", but then I looked past the fact he used the word "selfish" and realized that he is right about one thing: I care about the past because I have all the time to focus on the past, and I could be using that time to instead focus on the future ahead of me. Going along with that, before I went into the mental hospital my school was talking about the parallels between Hinduism/Buddhism and Judaism/Christianity in the light that both Christianity and Buddhism broke off from a hierarchical religion (goycattle/the caste system) and shit, and in general I found a big like for Siddhartha Gautama because he was insanely wise (his guidance on the way to "enlightenment" and eliminating "dukkha" [suffering, or in a more general term one's dislikes in life]) and his 8 paths was really close. I found myself saying "Wow, I really wish the Buddha and Jesus met, it's a real shame he died 500 years before the birth of Christ", and then I started to wonder about the Creator of everything, because I don't fully believe that the Christian God is the only way to view God, because you're telling me that all these cultures around the world experience God in different ways but the God written from the perspectives of extremely selfish Semites is the only way to view God?? I mean, these people had a God who freed them from slavery, gave them everything they needed, and at the end of the day they still decided to go worship some damn golden calf??? Irregardless of everything I said, my main point is that my perspective has been broadened from my past 17 years of life to where I know: that Jesus Christ is my lord and savior, I want to live only for Him because he is the only one who will understand me in this life and besides him everyone else's opinion of who I am is complete shit because I know I'll never harm anybody physically unless provoked too, and that religion in general is nothing but a dividing tool when used by humans in power, but also that tradition in itself isn't wrong. I love going to Catholic mass and chanting hymns as it makes me feel closer to God and I'm sure many others feel the same way. My mom always bitches about my clothing saying "oh you have to look presentable", but I don't give a fuck that I've been using the same torn jacket since freshman year; all I care about in this life is practicality, and the jacket fits all my needs: it has multiple pockets, it's comfortable, and it's light enough that I can use it when it's 50 degrees out and windy but good enough that I can use it in extremely cold weather (as long as it's been heated up beforehand). In the bible it is said you will know people by their fruit, and my fruit will only be my actions, nothing more. If I dress like a bum, then so be it. If I talk like a bum, then so be it. When I transferred schools, the sheriff of my county looked me up and down and mean mugged me while asking which county I came from, but I don't care as I don't have to be what he thinks I am, I only have to be what I know I am. Wrapping this yapperdoodle text up, I've spent 17 years without ever so much as ever holding a girls hand because all my life I've been taught to be blunt, be honest, and be the perfect bland human being, and as good of an adult I may make out to be, I'm a teenager, and 99% of teenagers my age don't care about that shit. I realize a lot of people would rather be told beautiful lies than the ugly truth, and if I want to get a girlfriend anytime before 27 (when all the options on the market are 70% single moms) I'm gonna have to learn to teach myself how to be a teenager instead of the grown adult my immigrant parents wish for me to be. Post mental hospital trip though, life feels a lot like GTA. It feels nice to not be crazy and think that the entire world revolves around me; but at the same time I fully know when my perception is true and when it isn't, and I know that by the CT scan I don't have any real mental health issues (brain wise), so I'll live my life, and I won't play these weird games with people. I hate crossing boundaries with other people because I hate when my boundaries are crossed (at least physically, I'll gladly cross boundaries when it comes to literally anything else), yet it seems like a lot of women want you to cross boundaries to get to them, and so I'll sit here and live my life, I'll talk to people as I seem to be a good people person, I'll keep myself at 215 pounds (as I was starvemaxxing myself down to 215 for wrestling previously, and now I'm just here and my body looks the best it ever has at 18% bf), I'll walk through this life without fearing that I could be "manipulative" or "overly lustful", as my friend said it best: the fact that I hate traits about myself isn't a bad thing, as he told me of his manager at his workplace that admitted to masturbating to his own daughter from time to time. I have nothing to fear in this life but the judgment of God, and I know that He is always forgiving of me, and so I'll only truly chase His validation. I'll be goal-oriented, but I'll also be as comfortable as I want. I know I work well in systems, I know I hate having an "ego" (even though every human has an ego in one way or another), I know I hate hurting other peoples feelings, and so I'll walk through life with these truths of myself in mind, but I'll stop crying about what I've already done, but instead I'll look forward and make sure not to make the same mistakes twice. If you read all this bullshit I commend you, and apologize for wasting your time.
