Prøphet
Conquer your fear and you will conquer death
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2024
- Posts
- 12,408
- Reputation
- 19,304
I was always a neurotic kid, partly genetic and partly because of all the genetic medical issues I had to juggle, and over the course of my childhood it’s like my parents did everything they could to cement this deep rooted fear into a part of who I am
I’m sure they didn’t mean it at all, but the fact is that’s what they did to me. Either writing off my fears as nothing or using them to punish and control me. Putting me into shitty environments. Angry outbursts whenever I questioned anything. Setting me up to fail again and again and face the shame of my incompetence completely alone. Ignoring me when I needed their support most. Isolating me. Learned helplessness. I know it’s attractive to blame your flaws on anything but yourself, but I genuinely believe this was the nail in the coffin for me. This is why I have 100th percentile neuroticism.
It’s hard because I love them and know none of this is truly their fault either, it’s all predetermined and was destined to happen by god, I’m best off accepting what happened and just love, but it’s still hard to let go of the “why did it have to be this way” and the frustration of why the fuck they thought it was a good idea to have me if it was gonna be like this. I’d have preferred to have not been born than to be a tool whos highest purpose was to be weaponized for their use when convenient. I don’t resent them as people at all. I only resent my situation and fate.
I’m sure they didn’t mean it at all, but the fact is that’s what they did to me. Either writing off my fears as nothing or using them to punish and control me. Putting me into shitty environments. Angry outbursts whenever I questioned anything. Setting me up to fail again and again and face the shame of my incompetence completely alone. Ignoring me when I needed their support most. Isolating me. Learned helplessness. I know it’s attractive to blame your flaws on anything but yourself, but I genuinely believe this was the nail in the coffin for me. This is why I have 100th percentile neuroticism.
It’s hard because I love them and know none of this is truly their fault either, it’s all predetermined and was destined to happen by god, I’m best off accepting what happened and just love, but it’s still hard to let go of the “why did it have to be this way” and the frustration of why the fuck they thought it was a good idea to have me if it was gonna be like this. I’d have preferred to have not been born than to be a tool whos highest purpose was to be weaponized for their use when convenient. I don’t resent them as people at all. I only resent my situation and fate.
Last edited:
Mumbai
