SpectrumAesthetics3
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Still looking into last hardmaxxes for an end of summer Turkey trip to get me to low chad range or so. But this existential situation does not go away if u are full chad
On slower days with no social media use no caffeine use no dopamine blur and hyper-stimulation, I can just get crushed by the absurdity of life and the world
Being good looking can indeed help one derive certain specific advantages in the world and ofc particularly opens the opportunity to warrant interest from girls, yet it does not at all solve the fundamental meta-issues here discussed
If life feels like climbing stairs then it feels engaging and optimistic and exciting and everything, but if it feels like / one conceptualizes it as a treadmill, then things are very different
Also it by no means helps that I was just able to talk with this girl for a week like hours most days and then the pull-back happens and unless vibe ends up returning will probably amount to nothing in the end; probably the only girl SA3 has truly enjoyed talking with, someone with this really specific combo of things that make her a once in a lifetime find that SA3 is just not going to happen across again
As in, was literally someone from my Stacy album (lmao) with hrs engaging convo a few days on end, and note that this is as someone who has mostly stopped talking to guys bc there’s no real resonance and it isn’t appealing to, let alone with girls, who have always been on a diff planet and required exhaustingly faking it, which I am good at, for a time. For one to be exactly SA3’s type so so beautiful and somehow actually aspie and stalking my .org posts and vids and then who is engaging to talk to for hrs without having to fake a personality for once, this was NOT something I at all thought possible since I had kind of mentally listed out the things before that would have to be in place to possibly truly be into a girl "as a person" (instead of their personhood being more of an inconvenience that has to be tolerated because they are attractive) and then said “yeah that’s not fucking happening, faking it with girls short-term is the only option”, but then this did seem to happen and threw me for such a fucking loop I can’t get my mind off of and will never forget it. There’s just certain things that don’t happen twice
Overall I haven’t felt like leveraging my looks with girls, it’s just hard to be bothered. You could say I am wasting the state that I fought so hard to ascend to for yrs against all odds; perhaps this is why even the Turkey trip stuff in a couple months to truly establish myself at a really elite looks level feels more and more pointless
But yeah, the will can make life exciting by giving us things to strive toward and making them seem appealing, i.e. wanting to post content or help people or be a figure in the looksmaxxing space for some reason, but then it can remove the dopamine from those things such that they are no longer possible to pursue and instead direct u to pursue some other goal/vision/illusion next. Where u used to go to great lengths to help ppl but now feel dead to responding to comments or DMs
Makes u wonder what happens if the will is just “done” altogether and there is nothing compelling ahead. Since will collapse would literally necessitate the end of life when life continuance and activity is predicated on the striving and illusions of the will. This this specific moment, life is just bare continuity with little engaging or appealing before me
And yes, ik it is bizarre to have written that as though the will and the “self that obeys it” are separate things when obviously we are a single entity doing what we must per the law of the most compelling motive, with that + our disposition + our starting point mechanically steering (determining) our entire life course from the beginning to the end of consciousness
On these days, ppl just out n about doing their stuff - it is just like they are gears turning in a giant machine, both in the sense that it is mechanical and in the sense that it is repetitive
And on the repetition front, that is where it really gets absurd to think about things, how one year or decade is traversed just so we can be one year/decade older and have to face that subsequent year/decade. And to have to see any friends or loved ones be less healthy and uglier and just more and more a shadow of their vibrant and charged selves from when u met them
Ppl here didn’t / don’t get Amnesia and I see he hasn’t posted in 3 months now. And he was talking abt starting content on TikTok/YouTube, showing IRL cold approaches and rejections in stuff, even getting footage for it. And then before the full launch, I kinda wonder if his unique psyche just did NOT quite allow him to do it. That he knows it is purposeless in the end and won’t get validation from it since that is from girls or the self (or just from the memories of girls when you have such a high bc and w some high-tier girls too as is the case w him)… that it would just be a lot of work and perhaps not the exciting idea it was whenever some neurochemical higher state made social media launch feel like a cool idea to him before. But we only exist in terms of our present neurochemical state, after all
It is just all no good and there’s been some days that have been lower than ever. It has been a while since feeling like “myself” and yet the “self” is not a constant stable entity and is just a result of biological/neurochemical processes after all anyways
The fact that youth seems like literally everything doesn’t help this. That the younger period of life is what contains all the charge and excitement and good things and yet every year that passes means a year being closer to the end of that. Youth is the essence of what living can be and the rest of the monotonous decades seem like pitiful torture where it’s like the bill that is exacted in exchange for having to have been young before.
But my mind didn’t allow me to be thoughtless enough to really enjoy the teen years of innocence like others get to, anyways. Bc lucidity and meta-awareness become a curse
It doesn’t seem like there is anything out there to “do” or “accomplish”, no “purpose” that absolutely matters and isn’t self-referential, and no, someone can not just “pick XYZ as their purpose” either since this is not something anyone has on a logical ground but is a matter of what their will/disposition just strongly drives them to want to do and to strive for, so ofc not something one “picks” or can “choose to have”. Which yes, means indeed that someone does not pick whether they have compelling reason to live or not
I killed a spider while writing this and it just hits me how I’m really not “more important” than that spider. I crushed it, it’s gone, that’s that, it’s nothing in the grand scheme of things. The human entity has this “ego” this “self” that in normal circumstances makes “us” feel important and like life is “worthwhile”, and sure it is “worthwhile” as long as the mind is offering us predominantly positive neurochemical states. All things like “purpose” and “fulfillment” and “enjoyment” refer to dopamine/norepinephrine/serotonin/oxytocin, etc. And nothing more, since these brain chemicals are ofc the substrate of all human experience
Last evening I was not far from getting hit by a van as a result of jaywalking having been fasted all day and out of it and sleep deprived and just in one of those states of existing where things are a blur and having the sense that everything around just hardly even feels real. And if it happened that I went out onto the street 2 seconds later, that very well could have put an immediate total end to all of my story/aspirations/memories/selfhood for good. No end of summer Turkey hardmaxxes. I can’t say it affected me at all, as in not really even a cortisol or adrenaline spike from it
I kinda more just thought of how it is the smallest things, be it in seconds or word choices or a 0.1% difference in your genetics or whatever other small increment of something, that determine everything sometimes, just as with near-death experiences
And it’s really the foreknowledge of death that is the issue; if someone dies without warning then they don’t EXIST to be sad about it or or worry about it or lament not being able to do more stuff in the world; it is more about the mind-breaking awareness of death in the context of us having memories and present awareness and some sort of future hopes that really gets us
I think some people are wired to be here for a shorter period and do what they need to do and then to step away from life once they know there is nothing else compelling and their mind stops manufacturing illusions to coerce them into persisting through decades of decay and repetition just so they can get to an end state of being a 90yo person repulsive in appearance and worth nothing to the world besides maybe to family and who must mentally subsist entirely off memories of youth
We didn’t choose our birth + genetics + circumstances, and so the idea that everyone must be enslaved to living all the way to a horrific elderly age just because they were born is just absurd and retarded. And ofc the great thinkers of the ages had much more mature views regarding those who pick their life endpoint, views that were along these lines and completely opposite the shallow NPC-culture ethos that apparently everyone needs to strive for old age and can not get off this treadmill earlier
People talking about “how to cope with X in life” or “how to cope WITH LIFE” in general: But if something requires AVOIDING LUCIDLY THINKING ABOUT IT WITHOUT COPES it in order to TOLERATE it, then how good or worthwhile can it really be, anyway?
