Feeling of disgust after realizing people like me

[AscendantGalivanter]

I am 18 years old and throughout my entire life every girl that has ever liked me makes me feel disgusted, and i think its not because they are ugly.

I met this girl i have not seen in several years again, we used to go to the same school before i moved and i kinda liked her back then. The other day i see her working as a cashier in the supermarket that i go to and we say hi. Next day same thing happens but she smiles and laughs a lot and is really nice to me, something that i remember wasnt common at all when we went to school together. Sometimes with my peripheral hunter eye vision i catch her looking at me and i think she likes me. I also kinda started liking her because Im as lonely as an abused dog.

Today i go again and my suspicions are increasing. As my suspicions go up a new feeling arrives, the feeling of disgust. I would call it insecurity but this feeling has followed me my whole life, ever since 2nd grade, i even feel it with male friends. Whenever i sense that someone likes me i start feeling disgusted by them. I think i shut out like 10 people in my entire life so far because of this feeling, i literally just stopped talking to them and shut them out my life. I know its fucked up but i was a in elementary/middle school and to stupid to understand. Although i dont see anything else i could have done, i morally could not have pretended to like them, not even im that low.

Anyways i used to be somewhat “popular” but now im all alone. I used to be “good” (meaning i had friends, still a dud socially) with people but this habit pushes away all social interactions from me. Now i am extremely awkward and cant speak with people, so now this problem of feeling disgust creates another barrier that prevents me from meeting/talking to people. I literally have no friends lol. Problems really do overlap huh?

Back to this girl, i have kind of mixed feelings right now. She cute but im afraid ill start to feel disgusted again. I dont even know if she likes me for sure. I am afraid of her liking me just as much as i am afraid of her not liking me, isnt that fucked? Im pretty fucked up right?

I think it may come from a place of self hate or low self esteem, but ive been like this my entire life lol. i even have this feeling towards my mom, isnt that messed up? I am kinda scared lol, i don't want to be alone but what if its just inevitable for someone me?

Does anyone know whats wrong with me or can relate? Thanks for getting this far

 

[polo7]

i cant relate but i wish you the best bro

 

[Two_Tone_Toney]

I used to be like this when I was extremely fat, youve gotta learn to literally cut your brain off and simply do what you find enjoyable. I was at a house party 3 weeks ago talking to this girl she wasnt like stunning but had a nice body and I was fucked up. She wanted to blow me and I just kept thinking like oh is she good enough for me and just straight bullshit.I had to literally remind myself to shut the fuck up and do what would bring me enjoyment in this case it was getting my dick blown. And we had a great time and the head was awesome.

just go with the flow and let life happen, shit get drunk if you have too who cares

 

[spencer0524]

I am 18 years old and throughout my entire life every girl that has ever liked me makes me feel disgusted, and i think its not because they are ugly.

I met this girl i have not seen in several years again, we used to go to the same school before i moved and i kinda liked her back then. The other day i see her working as a cashier in the supermarket that i go to and we say hi. Next day same thing happens but she smiles and laughs a lot and is really nice to me, something that i remember wasnt common at all when we went to school together. Sometimes with my peripheral hunter eye vision i catch her looking at me and i think she likes me. I also kinda started liking her because Im as lonely as an abused dog.

Today i go again and my suspicions are increasing. As my suspicions go up a new feeling arrives, the feeling of disgust. I would call it insecurity but this feeling has followed me my whole life, ever since 2nd grade, i even feel it with male friends. Whenever i sense that someone likes me i start feeling disgusted by them. I think i shut out like 10 people in my entire life so far because of this feeling, i literally just stopped talking to them and shut them out my life. I know its fucked up but i was a in elementary/middle school and to stupid to understand. Although i dont see anything else i could have done, i morally could not have pretended to like them, not even im that low.

Anyways i used to be somewhat “popular” but now im all alone. I used to be “good” (meaning i had friends, still a dud socially) with people but this habit pushes away all social interactions from me. Now i am extremely awkward and cant speak with people, so now this problem of feeling disgust creates another barrier that prevents me from meeting/talking to people. I literally have no friends lol. Problems really do overlap huh?

Back to this girl, i have kind of mixed feelings right now. She cute but im afraid ill start to feel disgusted again. I dont even know if she likes me for sure. I am afraid of her liking me just as much as i am afraid of her not liking me, isnt that fucked? Im pretty fucked up right?

I think it may come from a place of self hate or low self esteem, but ive been like this my entire life lol. i even have this feeling towards my mom, isnt that messed up? I am kinda scared lol, i don't want to be alone but what if its just inevitable for someone me?

Does anyone know whats wrong with me or can relate? Thanks for getting this far

i can relate a bit, its prob a trauma from back then where u were ugly and didnt have friends at all and could not make them, now that you look better, u can make friends but mentally ur in the same place as before

 

[zxrqi]

I wouldn't call it "disgust" but rather your mind turning on a defense mechanism whenever it thinks you might be vulnerable (or might become vulnerable) to someone.

I've had similar experiences like you where I've cut off many people from my life due to this "feeling" of mine, which just lead me to having almost no one at all (except maybe 2-3 guys whom I talk to occasionally).

With that, I was also in a 2.5 year relationship which ended very weirdly, It was because of me not trusting my partner and again, my mind slowly cutting her off since I was getting too comfortable with her and thought she knew too much about me.

"this problem of feeling disgust creates another barrier that prevents me from meeting/talking to people"
yeah, this "feeling" just makes us think about the future and not trust or approach any other person since we don't want to experience any of the consequences.

I don't know what might be wrong but from my experiences I can relate to what you shared here.

 

[MOGGER4562]

i cant relate but i wish you the best bro

"Hatred for foids and myself"

 

[polo7]

"Hatred for foids and myself"

his point is he is disgusted by foids that like him, I am not