how do i make friends and meet people (both guys and girls) without going to parties or bars in college

[jc0]

title

 

[goykiller]

I went to a different college for freshman year than basically all of my buddies from high school, and quite literally just walking up to people playing sports outdoors worked for me. Should work for you, too, assuming you have more social skills than most people on here and don't end up coming off as creepy

Edit: I also just met people through the church on campus

 

[jc0]

I went to a different college for freshman year than basically all of my buddies from high school, and quite literally just walking up to people playing sports outdoors worked for me. Should work for you, too, assuming you have more social skills than most people on here and don't end up coming off as creepy

Edit: I also just met people through the church on campus

i can get someones ig if i play sports or do smthing w them but after that it seems weird to try to start something. i dont want to come off as desperate for connection. i cringe really hard when they say theyre busy or something cuz we both know that he doesnt want to hangout. basically idk how to start something after.

 

[goykiller]

i can get someones ig if i play sports or do smthing w them but after that it seems weird to try to start something. i dont want to come off as desperate for connection. i cringe really hard when they say theyre busy or something cuz we both know that he doesnt want to hangout. basically idk how to start something after.

I mean, I haven't seen the texts that people have sent you, but some people might genuinely be busy. Though, if you suspect that they're lying you could always just text back asking a question about whatever they claim that they're busy with to better gauge if they're lying to you. Eg., if they say that they're going to a concert, shoot back with something saying that sounds cool and ask them which concert they're seeing and if they got good seats or something

Honestly, that shit can be hit or miss either way. I'm pretty big into nu metal, (actual) goth music, etc so I also just tend to try to hang with more alternative/emo people in general, plus, they're pretty accepting people regardless of how you look, as long as you have decent social skills. Your best bet is to try to become close friends with a huge extrovert and just let them introduce you to more people.

Also, don't be afraid to just make friends with a bunch of people you don't actually like and then just ghost them when you meet someone you actually agree with. I've done this a lot in the past whenever going to places where I don't know anyone off the bat

 

[Latinolooksmaxxer]

Mirin jew avi

 

[jc0]

I mean, I haven't seen the texts that people have sent you, but some people might genuinely be busy. Though, if you suspect that they're lying you could always just text back asking a question about whatever they claim that they're busy with to better gauge if they're lying to you. Eg., if they say that they're going to a concert, shoot back with something saying that sounds cool and ask them which concert they're seeing and if they got good seats or something

Honestly, that shit can be hit or miss either way. I'm pretty big into nu metal, (actual) goth music, etc so I also just tend to try to hang with more alternative/emo people in general, plus, they're pretty accepting people regardless of how you look, as long as you have decent social skills. Your best bet is to try to become close friends with a huge extrovert and just let them introduce you to more people.

Also, don't be afraid to just make friends with a bunch of people you don't actually like and then just ghost them when you meet someone you actually agree with. I've done this a lot in the past whenever going to places where I don't know anyone off the bat

no i dont really initiate anything and basically 0 people initiate with me which is partly my fault. i stopped initiating in high school because i wanted to see if people would initiate with me and after that i didnt initiate much afterwards with people otuside my very small number of friends. i have a friendgroup now but i dont like them that much. im just in their gc and dont speak much in it or do anything with anyone there.

there another group of people ik who have some common things with me but they party alot and are too outgoing for me i feel like im putting on a mask whenever i meet w them or whenever im super social. i feel like im never relaxed in public aswell. im too afraid of judgement aswell to a point that even i know is too much.


this also doesnt introduce me to any girls if im asking people at sports places

 

[goykiller]

no i dont really initiate anything and basically 0 people initiate with me which is partly my fault. i stopped initiating in high school because i wanted to see if people would initiate with me and after that i didnt initiate much afterwards with people otuside my very small number of friends. i have a friendgroup now but i dont like them that much. im just in their gc and dont speak much in it or do anything with anyone there.

there another group of people ik who have some common things with me but they party alot and are too outgoing for me i feel like im putting on a mask whenever i meet w them or whenever im super social. i feel like im never relaxed in public aswell. im too afraid of judgement aswell to a point that even i know is too much.


this also doesnt introduce me to any girls if im asking people at sports places

The best advice I can give (besides the obvious one of initiating more) is not to feel bad about "putting on a mask" in public, and to embrace it, if anything. For the longest time, I felt like I was a liar, manipulator, and an overall terrible person for doing the same thing, but I eventually came to terms with the fact that everyone basically does it to a degree. For example, I have some really good friends but they are super politically hostile, saying stuff like "I refuse to talk to anyone who believes X,Y, Z", even though I'm a big supporter of the exact opinions that they hate. Unfortunately, a lot of normies lack any sort of dialectical thinking, always going back to classic "us vs. them" and "if they're wrong, that automatically means that I'm right" thought processes and refuse to actually be open-minded to people with differing opinions.

Also, being slightly more reserved in conversation is a great skill that anyone can build. Of course, you don't want to go completely silent mid-conversation and look like a weirdo, but especially with very extroverted people, they would rather be the dominant talker in any given conversation. Also, people just simply like to hear things that they agree with, and becoming a pseudo-"yes man" to a small degree will take you places.

Throughout most of high school and my childhood, I had friends but was a very weird kid overall, and frankly, 99.99% of people don't need to know that about me, so I just don't volunteer that information, and if someone does kinda probe into it, I just portray it as a huge glowup/growth thing.

At the end of the day, everybody wears a mask to a degree, and unfortunately smarter people need to wear a larger mask than most normies, but that's just what you've got to do to get by and if you get good enough at it, people will like you significantly more. Never feel bad about it, unless you plan on just actually lying about every detail of your life to everyone you meet. Focus on curation.

 

[jc0]

The best advice I can give (besides the obvious one of initiating more) is not to feel bad about "putting on a mask" in public, and to embrace it, if anything. For the longest time, I felt like I was a liar, manipulator, and an overall terrible person for doing the same thing, but I eventually came to terms with the fact that everyone basically does it to a degree. For example, I have some really good friends but they are super politically hostile, saying stuff like "I refuse to talk to anyone who believes X,Y, Z", even though I'm a big supporter of the exact opinions that they hate. Unfortunately, a lot of normies lack any sort of dialectical thinking, always going back to classic "us vs. them" and "if they're wrong, that automatically means that I'm right" thought processes and refuse to actually be open-minded to people with differing opinions.

Also, being slightly more reserved in conversation is a great skill that anyone can build. Of course, you don't want to go completely silent mid-conversation and look like a weirdo, but especially with very extroverted people, they would rather be the dominant talker in any given conversation. Also, people just simply like to hear things that they agree with, and becoming a pseudo-"yes man" to a small degree will take you places.

Throughout most of high school and my childhood, I had friends but was a very weird kid overall, and frankly, 99.99% of people don't need to know that about me, so I just don't volunteer that information, and if someone does kinda probe into it, I just portray it as a huge glowup/growth thing.

At the end of the day, everybody wears a mask to a degree, and unfortunately smarter people need to wear a larger mask than most normies, but that's just what you've got to do to get by and if you get good enough at it, people will like you significantly more. Never feel bad about it, unless you plan on just actually lying about every detail of your life to everyone you meet. Focus on curation.

most of the time wearing the mask is unenjoyable. i don't feel at ease. i feel like i need my guard up. friendship or social interaction is only fun when the other person is engaging with the real me, not some semi-fake persona i put on. i deliberately chose to live alone instead of roommates in a dorm because of this which i sometimes regret cuz my social life is a lot worse than it could've been (my parents also did not want me dorming so it worked out).

i am already reserved in conversation because im quite quiet. i am also bad at being a yes-man. i never compliment people because it doesn't occur to me that i should, or that i could. my natural behavior just isnt saying nice things to others even when i acknowledge a commendable thing about them. i think i have an ego so maybe thats why. idk man i wish i didnt have to try to be social it doesnt make sense. social things should come naturally. sometimes i wish a girl could ask me out instead of me having to do everything mayne.

 

[goykiller]

most of the time wearing the mask is unenjoyable. i don't feel at ease. i feel like i need my guard up. friendship or social interaction is only fun when the other person is engaging with the real me, not some semi-fake persona i put on. i deliberately chose to live alone instead of roommates in a dorm because of this which i sometimes regret cuz my social life is a lot worse than it could've been (my parents also did not want me dorming so it worked out).

i am already reserved in conversation because im quite quiet. i am also bad at being a yes-man. i never compliment people because it doesn't occur to me that i should, or that i could. my natural behavior just isnt saying nice things to others even when i acknowledge a commendable thing about them. i think i have an ego so maybe thats why. idk man i wish i didnt have to try to be social it doesnt make sense. social things should come naturally. sometimes i wish a girl could ask me out instead of me having to do everything mayne.

It might be best to drop the "mask" term entirely. Assuming that you're not explicitly lying to people, you are still showing the "real" version of yourself at all times; it's just curated to each individual that you are engaging with. It's stuff like not ranting about automotive facts to someone who doesn't give a shit about cars. You're not dismissing your hypothetical love for cars by not spewing every drop of knowledge you have on the subject matter at all times; you're just adjusting to the person you're talking to in order to not either overwhelm them or bore them. As I said in one of my previous replies, I enjoy nu metal music and stuff, but I also enjoy subgenres of jazz, house, etc. I just tend to talk about things that other people and I have in common instead of making it all about what I like 24/7.

Frankly, I do feel that we are talking about two very different things when referring to this "mask", though. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you see it as less about being fearful about lying to people and whatnot and more about not having a deep enough relationship with anyone to feel comfortable just spewing bullshit for hours with the "boys" or something.

Also, I wouldn't put it as broadly as "I wish a girl would ask me out". Yeah, it'll feel good when you get that tiny dopamine hit, no matter who it's coming from, but I wouldn't place any particular value on it if it's just some random whore asking you out. I've experienced almost only this from girls, and nothing from any girls that I would actually put any value on their existence. I wouldn't compare the girl who initiated with me and told me that she was a "retired hoe" and then told me that in the past, she was getting flown out across states by other guys whilst simultaneously lovebombing me to a girl who actually wanted a tangible relationship. Settling for just any interaction with a woman is a huge mistake, and unless you're really wanting to be some huge manwhore, I would specify in your head that you want a girl to approach you seeking something more than just to fuck.

 

[tenmacel]

title

Clubs and classes

 

[jc0]

Clubs and classes

yeah how bro

 

[tenmacel]

yeah how bro

Go to clubs of your interests and you'll find people you like, sit next to people in classes and try to start convos with them

 

[jc0]

It might be best to drop the "mask" term entirely. Assuming that you're not explicitly lying to people, you are still showing the "real" version of yourself at all times; it's just curated to each individual that you are engaging with. It's stuff like not ranting about automotive facts to someone who doesn't give a shit about cars. You're not dismissing your hypothetical love for cars by not spewing every drop of knowledge you have on the subject matter at all times; you're just adjusting to the person you're talking to in order to not either overwhelm them or bore them. As I said in one of my previous replies, I enjoy nu metal music and stuff, but I also enjoy subgenres of jazz, house, etc. I just tend to talk about things that other people and I have in common instead of making it all about what I like 24/7.

Frankly, I do feel that we are talking about two very different things when referring to this "mask", though. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you see it as less about being fearful about lying to people and whatnot and more about not having a deep enough relationship with anyone to feel comfortable just spewing bullshit for hours with the "boys" or something.

Also, I wouldn't put it as broadly as "I wish a girl would ask me out". Yeah, it'll feel good when you get that tiny dopamine hit, no matter who it's coming from, but I wouldn't place any particular value on it if it's just some random whore asking you out. I've experienced almost only this from girls, and nothing from any girls that I would actually put any value on their existence. I wouldn't compare the girl who initiated with me and told me that she was a "retired hoe" and then told me that in the past, she was getting flown out across states by other guys whilst simultaneously lovebombing me to a girl who actually wanted a tangible relationship. Settling for just any interaction with a woman is a huge mistake, and unless you're really wanting to be some huge manwhore, I would specify in your head that you want a girl to approach you seeking something more than just to fuck.

not even just to fuck like ofc i get horny and want it but deep down i want something more. im not dumb enough to seek all of this just for sexual satisfaction, but to satisfy a desire for deeper connection aswell.

by mask i mean i feel i care too much about others opinion (maybe because i dont have many real friends) and as a result i dont want to show anything thatll disqualify me from their validation, so i dont show much or get close enough to them to make true friends. if i dont show much then i wont be subject to their opinion on me which solves one issue but makes another which is the inactive social life. in social settings if idk the guy really well it makes me feel uneasy or i feel i cant truly rest and be myself whenever im with people. it takes me a looong time to reach that stage. im also just awkward most of the time idk what to say sometimes. sometimes i overthink and debate whether i should say something rather than just saying it.

even with my close friends im still afraid of their judgement to a degree and will hide things from them or do things like clean my apt before they come over, which shows im not truly comfortable with anyone.

 

[DIY.Suicide]

title

How do I make friends without going to social settings with people who are open to finding new friends, like fym

 

[jc0]

How do I make friends without going to social settings with people who are open to finding new friends, like fym

i dont want to party or drink. but want a social life. they are not contradictory.

 

[goykiller]

First off, cleaning your apartment before your friends come over is an extremely normal and respectful thing to do... so I don't know what the fuck you're on about in regard to that.

Secondly, I think that this "mask" thing you just described to me is less of an actual axiom/universal truth but rather a result produced by a lack of socialization in general. I know that I'm kind of explaining the obvious, but in reality, people aren't as judgemental as you might think, and if they are, they probably won't even find it worth it to bring it up. Any judgment you've received is probably stemming from your own habit of over-analyzing to the point where you're not actually present in the moment and slip up and do/say something stupid as a result of being in your own head too much.

In my personal experience, taking shrooms multiple times, especially when taken alone with intention, is the single best cure for any mental dilemma you might experience. If it's something that you're interested in, find a source and get some, and if you can't just buy some, look into MYYCO.com and magicbag.co to grow your own. They're both non-profits, so you'd also be supporting ongoing research into how shrooms can help people with depression, PTSD, etc.

If you're not interested in the shroompill, I don't really know what to tell you besides "just stop worrying so much" or to maybe consider taking a shot or two of liquor to lower your inhib before meeting new people.

 

[DIY.Suicide]

i dont want to party or drink. but want a social life. they are not contradictory.

really are of course unless you have some talents or are naturally good at speaking with people

 

[Łarp]

really are of course unless you have some talents or are naturally good at speaking with people

Why not stalk the person that he wanted to be friends with that way he can relate more to that person and form a fake friendship