astatin
king of rating yall threads
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OPERATION: ESCAPE THE MATRIX
I woke up at 3:17 AM.
My alarm wasn’t ringing.
My lizard was staring at me.
That’s when I knew.
He knew.
I sat upright.
“Gary?”
Gary blinked once.
The signal had been received.
I grabbed my notebook.
At the top I wrote:
THE MATRIX ESCAPE PLAN
Step 1: Stop consuming government cereal.
Step 2: Delete Instagram.
Step 3: Buy sunglasses.
Step 4: Find the reptiles controlling the algorithm.
Step 5: Become ungovernable.
I walked into the kitchen.
My mom was making toast.
“Why are you wearing sunglasses?”
“Because the microwave has cameras.”
She stared at me.
“It’s 3 AM.”
“Exactly.”
I opened the refrigerator.
Three eggs.
Milk.
Cheese.
And one suspicious cucumber.
I froze.
“That’s not a cucumber.”
My mom sighed.
“Please go back to bed.”
At 4:00 AM, I began Phase Two.
I built a communications device out of:
I turned it on.
BEEP.
The calculator displayed:
80085
I nearly fell out of my chair.
“GARY.”
He blinked.
The reptiles were communicating.
I immediately opened a document titled:
THEY KNOW I KNOW.docx
Then I heard footsteps.
Someone was outside.
I looked through the blinds.
Nothing.
I looked again.
A pigeon.
I whispered:
“Agent.”
The pigeon flew away.
I knew it had reported me.
PHASE THREE: THE FINAL ESCAPE
At sunrise, I packed my survival equipment.
One bottle of water.
A protein bar.
Three cans of tuna.
A flashlight.
And Gary.
We were leaving civilization.
I walked toward the forest.
Every few minutes I looked behind me.
Nothing.
Then I saw it.
A lizard sitting on a rock.
I stopped.
It looked at me.
I looked at it.
It slowly turned its head.
I whispered:
“Are you with them?”
It blinked.
I dropped my backpack.
“OH MY GOD.”
I ran.
Gary jumped out of my pocket.
I stopped.
“Wait.”
Gary looked at the lizard.
The two reptiles stared at each other.
Then Gary crawled onto the rock.
They sat there together.
I realized the truth.
Gary had betrayed me.
I had spent my entire life thinking I owned a lizard.
But I never owned Gary.
Gary owned me.
I returned home immediately.
My mom was waiting.
“Where have you been?”
I looked at her.
“I’m not ready to discuss what happened.”
She pointed at the kitchen.
“You forgot your lunch.”
I looked inside the bag.
A sandwich.
A banana.
And a note.
It said:
“Good luck escaping the matrix. Love, Mom.”
I stared at it for ten seconds.
Then I slowly looked toward Gary’s empty tank.
He was gone.
The Wi-Fi router turned itself on.
CONNECTED.
I whispered:
“It’s begun.”
THE END.
I woke up at 3:17 AM.
My alarm wasn’t ringing.
My lizard was staring at me.
That’s when I knew.
He knew.
I sat upright.
“Gary?”
Gary blinked once.
The signal had been received.
I grabbed my notebook.
At the top I wrote:
THE MATRIX ESCAPE PLAN
Step 1: Stop consuming government cereal.
Step 2: Delete Instagram.
Step 3: Buy sunglasses.
Step 4: Find the reptiles controlling the algorithm.
Step 5: Become ungovernable.
I walked into the kitchen.
My mom was making toast.
“Why are you wearing sunglasses?”
“Because the microwave has cameras.”
She stared at me.
“It’s 3 AM.”
“Exactly.”
I opened the refrigerator.
Three eggs.
Milk.
Cheese.
And one suspicious cucumber.
I froze.
“That’s not a cucumber.”
My mom sighed.
“Please go back to bed.”
At 4:00 AM, I began Phase Two.
I built a communications device out of:
- an old Wi-Fi router
- two AA batteries
- a calculator
- my gaming headset
- and Gary’s heat lamp
I turned it on.
BEEP.
The calculator displayed:
80085
I nearly fell out of my chair.
“GARY.”
He blinked.
The reptiles were communicating.
I immediately opened a document titled:
THEY KNOW I KNOW.docx
Then I heard footsteps.
Someone was outside.
I looked through the blinds.
Nothing.
I looked again.
A pigeon.
I whispered:
“Agent.”
The pigeon flew away.
I knew it had reported me.
PHASE THREE: THE FINAL ESCAPE
At sunrise, I packed my survival equipment.
One bottle of water.
A protein bar.
Three cans of tuna.
A flashlight.
And Gary.
We were leaving civilization.
I walked toward the forest.
Every few minutes I looked behind me.
Nothing.
Then I saw it.
A lizard sitting on a rock.
I stopped.
It looked at me.
I looked at it.
It slowly turned its head.
I whispered:
“Are you with them?”
It blinked.
I dropped my backpack.
“OH MY GOD.”
I ran.
Gary jumped out of my pocket.
I stopped.
“Wait.”
Gary looked at the lizard.
The two reptiles stared at each other.
Then Gary crawled onto the rock.
They sat there together.
I realized the truth.
Gary had betrayed me.
I had spent my entire life thinking I owned a lizard.
But I never owned Gary.
Gary owned me.
I returned home immediately.
My mom was waiting.
“Where have you been?”
I looked at her.
“I’m not ready to discuss what happened.”
She pointed at the kitchen.
“You forgot your lunch.”
I looked inside the bag.
A sandwich.
A banana.
And a note.
It said:
“Good luck escaping the matrix. Love, Mom.”
I stared at it for ten seconds.
Then I slowly looked toward Gary’s empty tank.
He was gone.
The Wi-Fi router turned itself on.
CONNECTED.
I whispered:
“It’s begun.”
THE END.
