D
Deleted member 13626
Retired
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2021
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First off, you can straight fuck off if you wanna shitpost, i will just put you on the ignore list . This site is slowly dying cause of the mass shitposting in every post (from ratings, to looksmaxxing , botb, offtopic
I was never the ugly kid, always had a good base and was nt and social when i was a kid. As i started puberty things went downhill mentally for me, i had times when i looked awful cause i was still young but now that i'm 17 approaching 18 in 2 months it hasn't gotten better mentally. Yes i looksmaxed a little (not completely). I'm growing out a stubble and trying to pull of the maesthetic look. I'm 1.81 barefoot - can reach 1.83 with boots , pale skin , dark features, people will instantly say that i can easily get a ltr or a few slays since i'm not a manlet indian or deformed
But the blackpill ruined me, only helped me ascend but at what cost? I will never be happy even if i looked like sean o pry, richard ramirez, chico , gandy, any morph possible, i will always find flaws and obsess over them , i no longer see the human in someones face, the psl autists made me believe that aliens have more appeal than actual chads that have minor flaws or slight asymmetry
Asymmetry ? Everyone has that including myself and i'm not a special case of very asymmetrical face, i got the typical asymmetries everyone has. Normies don't see them, asked everyone and they looked at me like i escaped a mental asylum, they told me i look normal, meanwhile all the time i spent in the mirror obsessing over every mm of my face has printed my mirror face to be the normal face, and if i take a video in the mirror (no lens distortion) and flip it, i'm not used at all to what i'm seeing even if i show people they still don't think it's a big deal and it's normal and doesn't make me ugly
I can only see myself as attractive if i looked like an ''alien'' , like sean o pry, deepoot. If i had infinite money to get surgeries i will literally turn myself into one of these botched plastic surgeries examples , maybe then i will be slightly prettier. The blackpill absolutely ruined me mentally, it's not 100% real , life is a mix of bluepill , redpill and blackpill
I don't know what happened to me , maybe past trauma, i'm giga aspie irl, only get comfortable around people after knowing them for a while, i have an easier time making male friends, if i try to talk to a girl, i absolutely boil inside, i can be in a cage with a hungry tiger and feel more comfortable than with a girl, doesn't matter if she's ugly or stacy. I'm depressed because of modern society, the life we live in, full of comfort, toxic chemicals in our food, water , products, i have body dysmorphia disorder (some retards will say it doesnt exist and you're just ugly, even tho i met actual pretty people that have it + gl celebrities that have it)
I think i had autism when i was younger and that made me playful , rn the symptoms kinda disappeared, i can sit still, pay attention, etc. Not even mentioning autism, most symptoms appear in me.
I can go on forever, it's 3 am here , always had a shitty schedule and shitty lifestyle, i wonder if i could have grown taller if i was healthier, i don't want to rope, i don't want to kill anyone, even tough my mental problems were most likely caused by environment and not genes. I simply want peace and quiet and to feel loved and accepted , even tough i don't have enemies irl and i'm a nice person to hang around with if you get to know me , inside of my retarded brain i feel the opposite . Hated ,judged etc.
I can't really cope with anything anymore, life is so brutal, is there even a god out there? Hopefully it is and heaven exists since that's the only way i will be at peace and happy. I want for life to get better, have my dream job, a tradwife that will never cheat on me, nothing special, but in this degenerate world it's too much to ask. I pray every night a nuclear war will errupt or global warming will do it's thing or any other catastrophe will happen and others will feel pain , and not caused by me.
I don't think anything will fix me but death, no amount of slays, looking like a supermodel or any therapy or meds will make me a healthy person again. I
Since life can't get better , i just want to die, not suicide, just die a painful and slow death since i deserve it, i want to be murdered in cold blood and die thirsty, hungry , cold , alone.
Thank you if you read everything, i would appreciate any good advice if you have any, maybe in my deranged head i keep saying i can't be cured even tough i don't know for sure