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This essay is inspired by Hamza speaking about his life trauma
I will admit that I was a very sensitive child and if somebody insulted me I would feel like crying because the thought of causing harm to someone's feelings in order to socially dominate was never in my programming but it is within the programming of pretty much all non autist children as soon as they can speak.
I couldn't understand why people were doing it to me because it was never in my instincts to do it to someone else so I took it extremely personally.
Whenever elder relatives or friends of my family would say something to me in front of a few people and it felt like they wanted an audience so that I would jester for them and say something they could get amusement from I would feel extreme anxiety (didn't know there was a term back then it just felt normal to me) and I would try get out of the situation as soon as possible.
Adults literally only use children for their own amusement, the kid that is cheeky and talks shit back to the adult is the kid that gets praised and gets attention. The kid that gets nervous in those situations is seen as a disposable waste of space (ie. me)
My older sister worked in a swimming pool so I was there one day as a child minding my own business and the manager working in the pool picked me up and pretended he was going to throw me in which resulted in me crying. It was not the fear of being thrown into the water that caused me to cry it was the unexpected physical contact without my permission to be touched which caused extreme panic.
I once was at my friends house as a child and his father put me on his lap and asked what we did today and the physical contact was so alien to me that I had to get off his lap and say I needed to run to the toilet due to the panic it caused.
Another time when I was about 3-4 years old I was at a junk market run by travellers and my mother was looking at furniture and opened a large wooden box and then closed it. Due to my age I decided to do the same and look inside but when I opened it my fingers slipped and the lid slammed closed but not enough to cause any damage. My mother was a few feet away at that point and the owner of the furniture said "If you do that again I'll put you in it and sit on it"
The fact that a 50 year old man would say that to me when I was not intentionally trying to cause harm scarred me
Due to having an abusive mother and a father who never stood up for me and having the inability to get words to come out of my mouth from anxiety I simply learned to let people talk shit about me to me to my face and do nothing about it. The rage this caused me when I realized the damage it had on my ability to socialize due to believing I was inferior was extreme rage that came out when I began getting drunk and launched verbal assaults on anyone who disrespected me
Any of you who have read my posts over the years know that I go out socializing by myself 90% of the time because I have not had irl friends to go out with since leaving school except for rare occasions. My intention is always to approach girls but while I am getting warmed up if I see one or two guys I might begin talking to them. Often I will talk to guys who are cool but as soon as more people from their group join they will always try test me by throwing an insult my way. When I am sober I never put myself into a social situation where people can talk to me to start insulting me but when I am higher energy after a few drinks there will always be a cunt who feels threatened by my presence who feels the need to make a joke about me.
I live in Brussels now and was talking to an Irish guy 1 on 1 the last night I went out while his group were there too but I didn't bother to get involved with them coz I knew the outcome would be some bullshit NT test from faggots I mogged. While I was talking to the guy 1 on 1 he still felt the need to slag me off about me being from the countryside since he was a pretentious cunt from the posh region. I just went with the banter at the time but upon reflection I wonder why do the Irish cunts I encounter always have to start slagging as if it benefits them, it's the definition of crabs in a bucket. I question if I was being too sensitive in my analysis but I don't get why it's impossible to have a conversation with an adult without the mini mogging bullshit. Since I began talking to euros the mini mogging has been way less frequent except a couple of guys that disliked me that were workmates of a guy I met with from an anonymous app
I am happy with my actions the last night I went out because as soon as I had spent about 10 minutes around guys I began talking to I would just walk away and move on to talk to someone else. I straight up told them I was out by myself but since I know that nobody will ever want me in their social circle I just use them to gauge how my social skills are going and use them as a warmup before talking to girls.
From now own I will prioritize talking to Germans since I have had the most relaxed social interactions with them and I will avoid Irish people who are out drinking like the plague. Having to grow up with pygmy IQ Irish chavs and farmers who can't go 2 minutes without insulting someone who sentience and IQmogs them has been the reason for so much cortisol during my life.
I will admit that I was a very sensitive child and if somebody insulted me I would feel like crying because the thought of causing harm to someone's feelings in order to socially dominate was never in my programming but it is within the programming of pretty much all non autist children as soon as they can speak.
I couldn't understand why people were doing it to me because it was never in my instincts to do it to someone else so I took it extremely personally.
Whenever elder relatives or friends of my family would say something to me in front of a few people and it felt like they wanted an audience so that I would jester for them and say something they could get amusement from I would feel extreme anxiety (didn't know there was a term back then it just felt normal to me) and I would try get out of the situation as soon as possible.
Adults literally only use children for their own amusement, the kid that is cheeky and talks shit back to the adult is the kid that gets praised and gets attention. The kid that gets nervous in those situations is seen as a disposable waste of space (ie. me)
My older sister worked in a swimming pool so I was there one day as a child minding my own business and the manager working in the pool picked me up and pretended he was going to throw me in which resulted in me crying. It was not the fear of being thrown into the water that caused me to cry it was the unexpected physical contact without my permission to be touched which caused extreme panic.
I once was at my friends house as a child and his father put me on his lap and asked what we did today and the physical contact was so alien to me that I had to get off his lap and say I needed to run to the toilet due to the panic it caused.
Another time when I was about 3-4 years old I was at a junk market run by travellers and my mother was looking at furniture and opened a large wooden box and then closed it. Due to my age I decided to do the same and look inside but when I opened it my fingers slipped and the lid slammed closed but not enough to cause any damage. My mother was a few feet away at that point and the owner of the furniture said "If you do that again I'll put you in it and sit on it"
The fact that a 50 year old man would say that to me when I was not intentionally trying to cause harm scarred me
Due to having an abusive mother and a father who never stood up for me and having the inability to get words to come out of my mouth from anxiety I simply learned to let people talk shit about me to me to my face and do nothing about it. The rage this caused me when I realized the damage it had on my ability to socialize due to believing I was inferior was extreme rage that came out when I began getting drunk and launched verbal assaults on anyone who disrespected me
Any of you who have read my posts over the years know that I go out socializing by myself 90% of the time because I have not had irl friends to go out with since leaving school except for rare occasions. My intention is always to approach girls but while I am getting warmed up if I see one or two guys I might begin talking to them. Often I will talk to guys who are cool but as soon as more people from their group join they will always try test me by throwing an insult my way. When I am sober I never put myself into a social situation where people can talk to me to start insulting me but when I am higher energy after a few drinks there will always be a cunt who feels threatened by my presence who feels the need to make a joke about me.
I live in Brussels now and was talking to an Irish guy 1 on 1 the last night I went out while his group were there too but I didn't bother to get involved with them coz I knew the outcome would be some bullshit NT test from faggots I mogged. While I was talking to the guy 1 on 1 he still felt the need to slag me off about me being from the countryside since he was a pretentious cunt from the posh region. I just went with the banter at the time but upon reflection I wonder why do the Irish cunts I encounter always have to start slagging as if it benefits them, it's the definition of crabs in a bucket. I question if I was being too sensitive in my analysis but I don't get why it's impossible to have a conversation with an adult without the mini mogging bullshit. Since I began talking to euros the mini mogging has been way less frequent except a couple of guys that disliked me that were workmates of a guy I met with from an anonymous app
I am happy with my actions the last night I went out because as soon as I had spent about 10 minutes around guys I began talking to I would just walk away and move on to talk to someone else. I straight up told them I was out by myself but since I know that nobody will ever want me in their social circle I just use them to gauge how my social skills are going and use them as a warmup before talking to girls.
From now own I will prioritize talking to Germans since I have had the most relaxed social interactions with them and I will avoid Irish people who are out drinking like the plague. Having to grow up with pygmy IQ Irish chavs and farmers who can't go 2 minutes without insulting someone who sentience and IQmogs them has been the reason for so much cortisol during my life.
