I hate being a ND retard aspie who hates everything i do

[FiendFiend]

Like even my signature vid, people glaze me for it actively, but I honestly have seen it as shit since like a day after making it. I get bored off shit so quick, jfl of food, of everything. Even when I have niggas tell me irl I look good, i always triple doubt myself, triple doubt myself before i speak. Its just an endless pit, of shit. When I was younger I used to use voice changers in games because of how insecure I was of my voice no joke. Then people speak to me they say my voice sounds normal, or even deep recently is what ive got.

I have a massive self loath problem I hate everything I do and that keeps driving me foward to overly focus on looks, get procedures done, before it was moneymaxxing and making money online, I'd be super locked in making couple thousand online. I even remember when I withdrew my first band from the crypto ATM. I got bored off that, now recently my whole lifes purpose has been ascending.

I find every social interaction I have cringe, overthink it so much, they probably think it was a normal interaction but in my head it literally keeps me up at night. Idk if I should get over this self hatred I have or use it for good to keep ascending and fixing my life. I literally work out so hard till I cant even move my arms and have put on 2kg of lean muscle mass in literally 2 weeks.

My brains completely fucking fried. Should I just accept I am different in a good way or what. Im happy its high functioning rather than like being a retard but its destroying my social life, and I have very niche interests that i get hyperfocused on for months to the point where I dont see myself maintaining a long term career and it kind of fucking sucks.

Any tips on shit I should take? I take benzos and that doesnt do shit for me it justs stops the overthinking by like 30% the self hatred is still there.



I might just have to become a xans zombie honestly.

@Prøphet

 

[appealisLAW]

we are in the same boat boyo, it's like i wrote this thread.

 

[H@rry]

start blasting psychs i used to overthink and have a short attention span now i just do what i enjoy and have almost 0 worries

 

[FiendFiend]

start blasting psychs i used to overthink and have a short attention span now i just do what i enjoy and have almost 0 worries

which psychs?

 

[H@rry]

which psychs?

i did mostly acid and dmt once id stay away from shrooms if i were u

 

[FiendFiend]

i did mostly acid and dmt once id stay away from shrooms if i were u

fuck man i rlly dont wanna touch shrooms and shit i heard people have horrible trips and psychosis, thats something u cant control, the trip is fully random i dont wanna take that shit man. U said ur still NEETing after it? How did it help u exactly. U just think it did, ur still in the same spot

 

[H@rry]

fuck man i rlly dont wanna touch shrooms and shit i heard people have horrible trips and psychosis, thats something u cant control, the trip is fully random i dont wanna take that shit man. U said ur still NEETing after it? How did it help u exactly. U just think it did, ur still in the same spot

i got actual mental problems so the only reason im neeting atm is coz i had to go to a unit and missed my a levels, but i redid them and am going to uni next sep so its effectively a gap year

 

[iblamexyz]

we are in the same boat boyo, it's like i wrote this thread.

I did write this thread or so I thought

 

[FiendFiend]

we are in the same boat boyo, it's like i wrote this thread.

do you really though? Because I feel like people just say shit. The only person who has had anything similiar bar for bar is @Prøphet . Nigga even did the voice changer shit too. That nigga is my long lost brother i swear

 

[FiendFiend]

i got actual mental problems so the only reason im neeting atm is coz i had to go to a unit and missed my a levels, but i redid them and am going to uni next sep so its effectively a gap year

Nah then me and you dont have the same shit. I am not violent about it, I was having mental issues at one point in school so when someone chatted some shit to me in class I literally squared up with him and fought him there. I'd literally purposefully look for a fight like a retard, even though im not confrontational at all. I dont know why even now still looking back at it.

I would never crash out, I would want people to think Im crazy or some shit or Im low inhib and can snap any moment, but I will never actually have an uncontrolled attack where I try rope or harm someone. Its usually calculated cuz im a aspie retard.

 

[appealisLAW]

do you really though? Because I feel like people just say shit. The only person who has had anything similiar bar for bar is @Prøphet . Nigga even did the voice changer shit too. That nigga is my long lost brother i swear

yes, i hate how i act in public, i hate how i talk to people, basically i hate everything about me except my looks, if i wasn't good looking i would probably go insane ngl

 

[H@rry]

Nah then me and you dont have the same shit. I am not violent about it, I was having mental issues at one point in school so when someone chatted some shit to me in class I literally squared up with him and fought him there. I'd literally purposefully look for a fight like a retard, even though im not confrontational at all. I dont know why even now still looking back at it.

I would never crash out, I would want people to think Im crazy or some shit or Im low inhib and can snap any moment, but I will never actually have an uncontrolled attack where I try rope or harm someone. Its usually calculated cuz im a aspie retard.

im not violent either i got sectioned for going into psychosis i thought my parents were drugging me in my sleep bahahah, plus i know this doesnt sound like a good outcome for someone advocating the use of psychs but ive had issues since i was 4 or 5 so they didnt negatively effect me (apart from shrooms) but of course its a risk u need to take into account because these drugs affect everyone differently.

 

[slaters]

im not violent either i got sectioned for going into psychosis i thought my parents were drugging me in my sleep bahahah, plus i know this doesnt sound like a good outcome for someone advocating the use of psychs but ive had issues since i was 4 or 5 so they didnt negatively effect me (apart from shrooms) but of course its a risk u need to take into account because these drugs affect everyone differently.

Niggas insane

 

[SoundnVision]

How much you make from crypto

 

[slaters]

Like even my signature vid, people glaze me for it actively, but I honestly have seen it as shit since like a day after making it. I get bored off shit so quick, jfl of food, of everything. Even when I have niggas tell me irl I look good, i always triple doubt myself, triple doubt myself before i speak. Its just an endless pit, of shit. When I was younger I used to use voice changers in games because of how insecure I was of my voice no joke. Then people speak to me they say my voice sounds normal, or even deep recently is what ive got.

I have a massive self loath problem I hate everything I do and that keeps driving me foward to overly focus on looks, get procedures done, before it was moneymaxxing and making money online, I'd be super locked in making couple thousand online. I even remember when I withdrew my first band from the crypto ATM. I got bored off that, now recently my whole lifes purpose has been ascending.

I find every social interaction I have cringe, overthink it so much, they probably think it was a normal interaction but in my head it literally keeps me up at night. Idk if I should get over this self hatred I have or use it for good to keep ascending and fixing my life. I literally work out so hard till I cant even move my arms and have put on 2kg of lean muscle mass in literally 2 weeks.

My brains completely fucking fried. Should I just accept I am different in a good way or what. Im happy its high functioning rather than like being a retard but its destroying my social life, and I have very niche interests that i get hyperfocused on for months to the point where I dont see myself maintaining a long term career and it kind of fucking sucks.

Any tips on shit I should take? I take benzos and that doesnt do shit for me it justs stops the overthinking by like 30% the self hatred is still there.



I might just have to become a xans zombie honestly.

@Prøphet

Answer is testosterone btw

 

[H@rry]

Niggas insane

thankfully not now that im medicated jfl plus i get free promethazine from the government so id say the positives outweigh the negatives

 

[ybuyhgui]

the self hatred is still there.

It will always persist. In my experience at least

 

[FiendFiend]

How much you make from crypto

i dont do it no more but i made like 12k, it wasnt crypto trading but i had it in crypto. I did do a diabolical crypto trade was like 7k up but then i decided not to pull out though cuz some retarded niggerbabbler was saying "muh hold" what if u like 100x ur money, and honestly that wasnt something i wanted to miss

 

[ybuyhgui]

Answer is testosterone btw

No it is not. I also used to have this belief, then I hopped on and was wildly disappointed

 

[SoundnVision]

No it is not. I also used to have this belief, then I hopped on and was wildly disappointed

What dosage and ester

 

[ybuyhgui]

What dosage and ester

Ranged from 150 to 700 test p per week (distributed with daily injections obviously), on 150 rn. It does make you feel better, but not to the extent that people talk about (my experience, yours could be different).

 

[slaters]

No it is not. I also used to have this belief, then I hopped on and was wildly disappointed

If you’re lower ranges going from that to high natty does it for a lot 200–>400+ doesn’t change anything though

 

[SoundnVision]

Ranged from 150 to 700 test p per week (distributed with daily injections obviously), on 150 rn. It does make you feel better, but not to the extent that people talk about (my experience, yours could be different).

I feel best when I split the dose Monday Wednesday and Friday.

 

[ybuyhgui]

If you’re lower ranges going from that to high natty does it for a lot 200–>400+ doesn’t change anything though

Perhaps, either way the mental strain is deeper than muh test for me unfortunately

I feel best when I split the dose Monday Wednesday and Friday.

Test P? I suppose you’d get higher spikes but the comedown would surely make the feeling less consistent

 

[FiendFiend]

It will always persist. In my experience at least

ok but is ur self hatred because ur life is shit or ur ugly or has it always just existed? honestly a lot of niggas here r commenting "muh i relate" yeah nigga thats probably because your fucking actually ugly or in a horrible life circumstance. Niggas dont realize I am here by chance because I did a dirty bulk and ended up looking like horse shit and gave me acne, i shaved my head, and i looked like utter shit and my looks are a thing a happend to be insecure of by basically looksminimizing, and thats why im here, i would have probably had some other aspie shit i was hyperfocused on if it wasnt looksmaxxing. My brother for example coding and computer science and hes a top coder making 4k a month at 20 tbf i dont know what the fuck the nigga does but he makes bank

JFL absolutely never ever gave a fuck about looks every in my life and saw it as shallow as fuck, and never even cared about women like that, even when they asked me out because I saw it as too much steps for something so fucking useless.

Its like the equivilant of some high bf % fat fuck saying "yeah nah its over". I dont go off to blaming genetics or neurodivergence, this is honestly the last thing I want to blame JFL.

 

[ybuyhgui]

ok but is ur self hatred because ur life is shit or ur ugly or has it always just existed?

Always existed tbh. Right now I’m objectively average-slightly above/below in virtually all meaningful aspects

 

[FiendFiend]

Always existed tbh. Right now I’m objectively average-slightly above in virtually all meaningful regards.

I really have struggle believing that, lol how r u above average in all meaningful regards

 

[SoundnVision]

Perhaps, either way the mental strain is deeper than muh test for me unfortunately

Test P? I suppose you’d get higher spikes but the comedown would surely make the feeling less consistent

Test p 60 mg Monday Wednesday Friday

Or sometimes test c 100mg Monday and Thursday

 

[FiendFiend]

Answer is testosterone btw

my test is fine btw. Lets say i increased it by like 200 or 300 thatd do fuck all for me anyway. Its cope

 

[ybuyhgui]

I really have struggle believing that, lol how r u above average in all meaningful regards

I mean within normal ranges lol, I meant to put average-slightly above/below in my original comment

Point is I don’t have one specific point where i’m subhuman like looks height or intelligence, they’re all normal.

 

[FiendFiend]

I mean within normal ranges lol, I meant to put average-slightly above/below in my original comment

Point is I don’t have one specific point where i’m subhuman like looks height or intelligence, they’re all normal.

yeah but u dont have to be subhuman for it to be fully normal to feel like shit jfl... U can be a LTN, 5'11 , pretty mid job. And how do u know its IQ? Do you have any signs of that in your family in brothers or sisters? Everyone on here thinks they're a fucking genius or something. U ask any1 theyd tell u they are average or above average slightly iq.

 

[FiendFiend]

I mean within normal ranges lol, I meant to put average-slightly above/below in my original comment

Point is I don’t have one specific point where i’m subhuman like looks height or intelligence, they’re all normal.

lol ok then explain how u had this self hatred when you were like 8 or doing like fucking beyond strange aspie shit like framing somebody else for pulling the fire alarm and doing it urself and plotting that shit for literally months, and still had self hatred EVEN when you got praise for doing something. Nigga that shit is beyond fucking rare, or u had a completely normal life at school and your life transitioning into adulthood didnt go so well.

 

[FiendFiend]

I did write this thread or so I thought

we are in the same boat boyo, it's like i wrote this thread.

jfl niggas acting like they relate lowkey makes me fucking cage, if me and you were remotely related psychologically trust me i would have known.

 

[Prøphet]

My nigga Ts could literally be written by me word for word

 

[Prøphet]

i did mostly acid and dmt once id stay away from shrooms if i were u

That’s interesting why do u say that

I tried a legal mushroom analog a while back and the first experience helped a lot but my second experience wiped away any progress and actuall made me an even more high inhib/fearful person

 

[Prøphet]

It’s like I internalized all the negative feedback, disappointment, and ignorance I got when I was young for openly being weird, and all these feelings kind of marinated and got worse over time and now I live in a prison of my own making atp


I try harder than anything to be normal but it only ends up making me less normal in the end tbh, brutall

 

[appealisLAW]

jfl niggas acting like they relate lowkey makes me fucking cage, if me and you were remotely related psychologically trust me i would have known.

fucking retard can't accept he isn't different from others, what you explained in that thread is lowkey every third guy in this generation

 

[FiendFiend]

My nigga Ts could literally be written by me word for word

yes ur prob the only nigga i'll actually be able to relate to mentally. jfl at these niggas larping in the comments. They dont know shit. Theres one dog in the comments who was woofin saying muh i relate to it. Nigga was in dxd crew has foid pfp and sends random pics of foids saying muh rate this coomful stacy. Like be so fucking fr.

They see "self hate" and theyre like oh yeah i agree. Completely disregarding the aspie signs like using a voice changer as a kid, hating shit u do even when u get praised for it. Any project u make , u hate. Nigga the way this mindset works is so fucking wild and its super rare.

The best example I could give of this for normies is , lets say we got 2 chocolate cupcakes, they could literally be the exact same size, and lets say u got ur brother and he picks a cupcake first, u would literally think in ur head ofc he got the bigger one, u say bro thats the bigger one, give it to me, he says "i guess okay lol theyre the same size" then he gives u that one, and then u compare again and ur like nah actually that one is bigger.

Even when a conversation goes totally fine with a customer or some shit at my old work for example, I'd think it went super wrong, worrying i said something. JFL its next level paranoia and overthinking and extreme levels of opitmism and pesimism at random moments.

I think if either of us woke up famous one day and it was for a good thing, like kanye did, we would have a literally god complex. I think this is just what having high level functioning autism + bipolar disorder looks like.

 

[FiendFiend]

fucking retard can't accept he isn't different from others, what you explained in that thread is lowkey every third guy in this generation

Lol not at all, if it was, i'd know 1 in 3 people like this at my schools, I dont. Even on a fucking date at the mall my nigga i had severe anadonia the foid was laughing and enjoyed it all but i was fucking just dead inside. Bet if your bitch asses had a date and u did some nice fun things u would come on this forum fucking crying MUHHHH GUYS LTR?? FIRST LTR????!!!!

 

[Prøphet]

yes ur prob the only nigga i'll actually be able to relate to mentally. jfl at these niggas larping in the comments. They dont know shit. Theres one dog in the comments who was woofin saying muh i relate to it. Nigga was in dxd crew has foid pfp and sends random pics of foids saying muh rate this coomful stacy. Like be so fucking fr.

They see "self hate" and theyre like oh yeah i agree. Completely disregarding the aspie signs like using a voice changer as a kid, hating shit u do even when u get praised for it. Any project u make , u hate. Nigga the way this mindset works is so fucking wild and its super rare.

The best example I could give of this for normies is , lets say we got 2 chocolate cupcakes, they could literally be the exact same size, and lets say u got ur brother and he picks a cupcake first, u would literally think in ur head ofc he got the bigger one, u say bro thats the bigger one, give it to me, he says "i guess okay lol theyre the same size" then he gives u that one, and then u compare again and ur like nah actually that one is bigger.

Even when a conversation goes totally fine with a customer or some shit at my old work for example, I'd think it went super wrong, worrying i said something. JFL its next level paranoia and overthinking and extreme levels of opitmism and pesimism at random moments.

I think if either of us woke up famous one day and it was for a good thing, like kanye did, we would have a literally god complex. I think this is just what having high level functioning autism + bipolar disorder looks like.

So real, this shit literally engraves insecurity and self hate into a core aspect of your being. It’s not just some flaw, it becomes something that consumes you and defines your actions/thoughts 24/7. I write some shit one day and the next week if I read it I want to disappear. Going through old convos in my DMs all I can think about is why tf did I say ts like that or how weird I sound. I can’t even stand listening to my voice because it buries me in shame. The #1 thing on my mind in public is “don’t fuck this up don’t fuck this up” just going through a huge checklist of do this and don’t do that. Whatever it is we have it’s something that has stood between me and the life I want for as long as I can remember.

 

[FiendFiend]

fucking retard can't accept he isn't different from others, what you explained in that thread is lowkey every third guy in this generation

thats the difference, yes I am different. Lol, niggas dont realize I am here not because I had a specific fascination for looks, quite the opposite nigga I thought people who cared about looks when I was younger were shallow, and even watched sneako shaving his head and shit and actually thought that was based because I really thought looks shouldnt judge shit about u. I hated the idea of caring about your appearance so much. Like not even that I thought it was shallow like I felt second hand embarassment when I saw niggas wear like stud earrings or try too hard just to pull a foid.

If i didnt dirty bulk and descend so hard to the point where i was treated like an utter subhuman , i would be focusing like an aspie on some different fucking task be it bodybuilding, making money, cuz before the dirty bulk, honestly I was doing fine with my looks, i had a foid approach me and ask me out, it was never even on my mental radar to get a girlfriend and i rejected her, she was actually pretty good looking too, one of the only foids that didnt look like a goblin.

Yeah bro. Im sure 1 in 3 gen z have made thousands of dollars online at 16 and 17... and have this indescribale self hatred. Nigga just say ur like a fucking LTN and ur sad and just call it a wraps. U dont relate to me at all. Sure u may have self hatred and insecurity but its fully valid and probably has come from lfie experiences, i was never bullied or nothing in school.

 

[H@rry]

That’s interesting why do u say that

I tried a legal mushroom analog a while back and the first experience helped a lot but my second experience wiped away any progress and actuall made me an even more high inhib/fearful person

shrooms for me made me really anxious and paranoid and i started thinking i could hear peoples thoughts when in reality it was my own negative internal dialog and each time i did them it got worse

 

[Prøphet]

shrooms for me made me really anxious and paranoid and i started thinking i could hear peoples thoughts when in reality it was my own negative internal dialog and each time i did them it got worse

Yeah very mind fucky I experienced similar

 

[FiendFiend]

I write some shit one day and the next week if I read it I want to disappear

I fucking relate to this so hard man fuck. LOOOL every couple months I feel like a new person, I read some shit i wrote from like a year or two ago or even couple weeks ago and i cringe as if im like some different person now. Dude i can remember this shit as long as when I was 9. I even remember I wrote down a quote so I remind myself of this, mirin how high IQ i was as a kid to notice this by the way.

I wrote down some shit that im always going to cringe looking back at the version me from last year and how i should just be content with it , and not take it too seriously. Thats why I told myself also to not hold any political or religious beliefs because I know I would literally flip flop between them every other year if I did. Has been proven right time and time again

 

[Samsepioler]

its okay

 

[Prøphet]

I fucking relate to this so hard man fuck. LOOOL every couple months I feel like a new person, I read some shit i wrote from like a year or two ago or even couple weeks ago and i cringe as if im like some different person now. Dude i can remember this shit as long as when I was 9. I even remember I wrote down a quote so I remind myself of this, mirin how high IQ i was as a kid to notice this by the way.

I wrote down some shit that im always going to cringe looking back at the version me from last year and how i should just be content with it , and not take it too seriously. Thats why I told myself also to not hold any political or religious beliefs because I know I would literally flip flop between them every other year if I did. Has been proven right time and time again

Same, I realized around 13 or so, literally nothing about me is consistent, tbh I don’t even know who I am I’m just always identifying with things temporarily and then moving on to the next thing

 

[FiendFiend]

So real, this shit literally engraves insecurity and self hate into a core aspect of your being. It’s not just some flaw, it becomes something that consumes you and defines your actions/thoughts 24/7. I write some shit one day and the next week if I read it I want to disappear. Going through old convos in my DMs all I can think about is why tf did I say ts like that or how weird I sound. I can’t even stand listening to my voice because it buries me in shame. The #1 thing on my mind in public is “don’t fuck this up don’t fuck this up” just going through a huge checklist of do this and don’t do that. Whatever it is we have it’s something that has stood between me and the life I want for as long as I can remember.

it fucking sucks, cuz okay now i can realize i was a subhuman when i was 16-17 objectively i was acnecel, high bf % etc. But even when i was like 12, i literally didnt want pictures taken of me because I saw myself as that fucking ugly. Then I see pics of me im some aryan kid tanned on the beach with flushed and collagenated face.

 

[H@rry]

thats the difference, yes I am different. Lol, niggas dont realize I am here not because I had a specific fascination for looks, quite the opposite nigga I thought people who cared about looks when I was younger were shallow, and even watched sneako shaving his head and shit and actually thought that was based because I really thought looks shouldnt judge shit about u. I hated the idea of caring about your appearance so much. Like not even that I thought it was shallow like I felt second hand embarassment when I saw niggas wear like stud earrings or try too hard just to pull a foid.

If i didnt dirty bulk and descend so hard to the point where i was treated like an utter subhuman , i would be focusing like an aspie on some different fucking task be it bodybuilding, making money, cuz before the dirty bulk, honestly I was doing fine with my looks, i had a foid approach me and ask me out, it was never even on my mental radar to get a girlfriend and i rejected her, she was actually pretty good looking too, one of the only foids that didnt look like a goblin.

Yeah bro. Im sure 1 in 3 gen z have made thousands of dollars online at 16 and 17... and have this indescribale self hatred. Nigga just say ur like a fucking LTN and ur sad and just call it a wraps. U dont relate to me at all. Sure u may have self hatred and insecurity but its fully valid and probably has come from lfie experiences, i was never bullied or nothing in school.

i actually relate to this a lot ive always been popular in school and have no real life experiences to back up my self beliefs, if i think back to my childhood memories i feel sick, even memories from more recently make me feel weird and its like theyre not my memories but its like ive only recently gained consciousness, yet its an endless cycle and in a few weeks ill be thinking back to right now and cringing hard

 

[FiendFiend]

Same, I realized around 13 or so, literally nothing about me is consistent, tbh I don’t even know who I am I’m just always identifying with things temporarily and then moving on to the next thing

water, i literally have a retarded obesession where i would replay the same song like 1000000 fucking times cuz it has a nice audio or refresh to a nice part of the song like 100000 times to the point where i get like bored of it.

 

[Prøphet]

it fucking sucks, cuz okay now i can realize i was a subhuman when i was 16-17 objectively i was acnecel, high bf % etc. But even when i was like 12, i literally didnt want pictures taken of me because I saw myself as that fucking ugly. Then I see pics of me im some aryan kid tanned on the beach with flushed and collagenated face.

Because you probably had some experiences in early childhood that cemented this into you tbh, at least that’s what I think. Objectively I was never GL but even if I was I imagine I would feel like that too. It’s insane how when something happens to you in childhood it literally attaches onto the deepest levels of who you are. It’s almost impossible to break such a “reliable” system of thinking, when you’re so familiar with it, it may as well just be who you are