returnofthecutecel
Luminary
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2025
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It’s been two nights since I last slept. I don’t know how to start this thread, but my life is a total mess.
A lot of you are probably sick of me spamming my photos here, but there’s a reason for everything.
As I write this thread, I’m listening to this song and crying:
I’ve never had friends since high school, where I was bullied. They made fun of me and my appearance, especially my ears. That’s why I had the only surgery I’ve ever had: unilateral otoplasty.
I discovered the world of blackpill in 2019, when I signed up on .org. I’ve had several accounts here, and I remember some of the usernames: Cutecel2001, Doublex2J, SantiAbaschad, and my current one, returnofthecutecel.
When I turned 18—exactly 7 years ago, in the summer of 2019—I decided to post my photos on Reddit. In the r/truerateme subreddit, I was rated below average, and a comment mentioned the forum “looksmax.org,” where I signed up.
I decided to post my photos on Reddit because I had previously signed up for dating apps and wasn’t getting any dates.
The blackpill community explained the cause of all my problems: my appearance. I decided to improve myself—I had ear surgery, joined a gym, and took Accutane to clear up my acne, another cause of the bullying.
Next, I’m going to list some of my insecurities that make me unhappy: I’m self-conscious about my height, my face is weird and lacks dimorphism, and I lack angular features, which clearly hinders my success with women. Despite being born in Spain and having a Spanish family, my phenotype doesn’t seem to fit in here, and ethnic discrimination affects me directly.
Ever since I was a kid, the abuse I suffered from bullying made me shut myself in my room playing COD Black Ops 2, while the rest of my class went out to their first parties and had their first experiences with girls.
I was always a good student, and when I turned 18, I initially enrolled in a dual degree program in computer engineering and statistics. I moved into a dorm, but after the first week, I dropped out. I couldn’t handle being surrounded by people and would shut myself away in my room.
During that year of “doing nothing,” I fell into a depression and spent my time browsing .org, .is, and other BP forums. At the same time, I learned to play the guitar and wrote songs like this one, in which I tried to express what I was feeling:
After all that, I started college again in a different major. In this case, I’d always been very interested in genetics, so I began studying Biotechnology. During those years, I didn’t fit in, and people seemed to leave me out as well. I didn’t have any college social life at all, and the only party I went to was the graduation party.
It took me a year longer than it should have to finish my degree, since I never had anyone to help me with notes and I was studying while dealing with severe depression.
During my final year of college, my father was diagnosed with a serious illness, and that really took a toll on me.
This year I just finished a master’s degree in Molecular and Cellular Biology. During the master’s program, at least I was able to have some social interaction, although most people ignored me (probably because of my appearance).
After finishing the master’s, I’ll probably start a PhD, since there aren’t many job opportunities for me right now. In the PhD program, I’d make some money (not much), but it would be something. Doing a PhD in a lab requires an enormous commitment, and I don’t know if I’m ready for it: 1/2 PhD students need psychiatrical medication.
Despite all of this, I feel very lonely. I feel like I’ve failed miserably in my life. My parents are getting older; I only have them and my sister. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life alone. I haven’t had all the experiences I should have had by now.
I don't know what's keeping me tied to this life, but these last two nights I've been feeling really down. The depression has never gone away, and I always end up relapsing.
Before I die, it might be worth trying to look the way I've always wanted to—as much as possible—through surgery.
Talking to someone here would really help me.
A lot of you are probably sick of me spamming my photos here, but there’s a reason for everything.
As I write this thread, I’m listening to this song and crying:
I’ve never had friends since high school, where I was bullied. They made fun of me and my appearance, especially my ears. That’s why I had the only surgery I’ve ever had: unilateral otoplasty.
I discovered the world of blackpill in 2019, when I signed up on .org. I’ve had several accounts here, and I remember some of the usernames: Cutecel2001, Doublex2J, SantiAbaschad, and my current one, returnofthecutecel.
When I turned 18—exactly 7 years ago, in the summer of 2019—I decided to post my photos on Reddit. In the r/truerateme subreddit, I was rated below average, and a comment mentioned the forum “looksmax.org,” where I signed up.
I decided to post my photos on Reddit because I had previously signed up for dating apps and wasn’t getting any dates.
The blackpill community explained the cause of all my problems: my appearance. I decided to improve myself—I had ear surgery, joined a gym, and took Accutane to clear up my acne, another cause of the bullying.
Next, I’m going to list some of my insecurities that make me unhappy: I’m self-conscious about my height, my face is weird and lacks dimorphism, and I lack angular features, which clearly hinders my success with women. Despite being born in Spain and having a Spanish family, my phenotype doesn’t seem to fit in here, and ethnic discrimination affects me directly.
Ever since I was a kid, the abuse I suffered from bullying made me shut myself in my room playing COD Black Ops 2, while the rest of my class went out to their first parties and had their first experiences with girls.
I was always a good student, and when I turned 18, I initially enrolled in a dual degree program in computer engineering and statistics. I moved into a dorm, but after the first week, I dropped out. I couldn’t handle being surrounded by people and would shut myself away in my room.
During that year of “doing nothing,” I fell into a depression and spent my time browsing .org, .is, and other BP forums. At the same time, I learned to play the guitar and wrote songs like this one, in which I tried to express what I was feeling:
After all that, I started college again in a different major. In this case, I’d always been very interested in genetics, so I began studying Biotechnology. During those years, I didn’t fit in, and people seemed to leave me out as well. I didn’t have any college social life at all, and the only party I went to was the graduation party.
It took me a year longer than it should have to finish my degree, since I never had anyone to help me with notes and I was studying while dealing with severe depression.
During my final year of college, my father was diagnosed with a serious illness, and that really took a toll on me.
This year I just finished a master’s degree in Molecular and Cellular Biology. During the master’s program, at least I was able to have some social interaction, although most people ignored me (probably because of my appearance).
After finishing the master’s, I’ll probably start a PhD, since there aren’t many job opportunities for me right now. In the PhD program, I’d make some money (not much), but it would be something. Doing a PhD in a lab requires an enormous commitment, and I don’t know if I’m ready for it: 1/2 PhD students need psychiatrical medication.
Despite all of this, I feel very lonely. I feel like I’ve failed miserably in my life. My parents are getting older; I only have them and my sister. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life alone. I haven’t had all the experiences I should have had by now.
I don't know what's keeping me tied to this life, but these last two nights I've been feeling really down. The depression has never gone away, and I always end up relapsing.
Before I die, it might be worth trying to look the way I've always wanted to—as much as possible—through surgery.
Talking to someone here would really help me.
for coping.
