Dojo
The Flasher
- Joined
- May 12, 2025
- Posts
- 362
- Reputation
- 598
Table of Contents
- Introduction (The cope is strong with this one)
- Requirements (Do you even qualify?)
- Methods (Face debloat vs. Semaglutide)
- Pros & Cons (Spoiler: Pain & suffering)
- Reality Level (Why most of you won’t succeed)
- TL;DR (For the low-attention-spancels)
Introduction
JFL at all the bloated-faced orbiters screeching "just drink water bro!" while looking like the Michelin Man’s ugly cousin. Face bloat isn’t just water retention—it’s a mix of poor diet, bad habits, and genetic-tier fat distribution that no amount of ice rolling will fix.And don’t even get me started on the Semaglutide hype. Every TikTokcel thinks injecting weight-loss drugs will turn them into a hollow-cheeked gigachad. Reality check: Most of you will quit after the first nausea wave or end up looking like a deflated balloon.
This guide is for subhuman bloatcels who want to actually debloat their face and body—not just cope with useless "tips."
Requirements
Before you waste time and money, ask yourself:1. Genetic Reality Check
- Do you store fat in your face first? (If yes, you’re fighting genetics.)
- Is your "bloat" actually just high body fat? (No amount of fasting will save a 25% BF permabulker.)
- Are you insulin resistant? (If you get sleepy after carbs, congrats—you’re fucked.)
2. Diet & Lifestyle
- Do you eat like a fat dumpster? (Seed oils, processed junk, alcohol = permanent bloat.)
- Do you sleep 5 hours a night? (High cortisol = moon face.)
- Are you sedentary? (Lymphatic drainage requires movement, lazycel.)
3. Financial & Mental Prep
- Can you afford Semaglutide? (~$300+/month, not covered unless diabetic.)
- Can you handle side effects? (Nausea, fatigue, "Ozempic face" sagging.)
- Are you ready to change habits permanently? (Or will you rebound in 3 months?)
Methods
1. Normie Tier (For Copers)
- Water + Electrolytes (Not just chugging—proper Na/K/Mg balance.)
- Reduce Sodium & Processed Carbs (No more ramen, bloatcel.)
- Sleep 7-9 Hours (Cortisol reduction = less puffiness.)
- Guasha / Ice Rolling (Temporary relief, but better than nothing.)
2. Advancedcel Tier (Actual Results)
- Intermittent Fasting (18:6+) (Lowers insulin, reduces water retention.)
- Low-Carb / Keto (Drops glycogen bloat fast.)
- Dry Fasting (24-48hrs, carefully) (Extreme debloat, but risky.)
- Prescription Diuretics (Sparingly) (Dangerous if abused.)
3. Giga Autist Tier (Semaglutidemaxxing)
- Semaglutide (Wegovy/Ozempic) (Suppresses appetite, forces fat loss.)
- GH + DHT Stack (HGH for skin tightening, DHT for facial leanness.)
- Plasma Fibroblasting (Non-surgical skin tightening post-weight loss.)
Pros & Cons
| Method | Pros | Cons |
|---|---|---|
| Normie Tier | Easy, low risk | Minimal gains, requires consistency |
| Advancedcel | Noticeable debloat | Hunger, fatigue, potential muscle loss |
| Semaglutide | Forces fat loss, reduces cravings | Expensive, nausea, "Ozempic face" sagging |
Reality Level
- Most of you won’t stick to it. You’ll try fasting for a day, then binge on McDonald’s.
- Genetics dictate fat distribution. If you’re a moonfacecel, even 10% BF won’t give you hollow cheeks.
- Semaglutide isn’t magic. You’ll lose weight, but without muscle retention, you’ll look sickly, not chiseled.
- Rebound is inevitable if you quit. Most regain the weight + extra because they never fixed their habits.
- If you’re >20% BF, focus on actual fat loss before obsessing over bloat.
- If you’re lean but still bloated, check food intolerances (dairy, gluten, histamines).
- Semaglutide is a tool, not a cure. Without diet changes, you’ll just be a smaller version of a blob.
TL;DR
- Face bloat = diet, sleep, genetics. No quick fixes.
- Semaglutide works but has side effects. Only use if you’re serious.
- Most of you will fail because effort > copium.
(INSPIRED BY/BASICALLY RIPPED OFF BY @menas)
Upvote if this saved you (NEVER DID)
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