Orc
diagnosed autist
Staff
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2022
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at least, not in the way they want to
not in the way they deserve to.
and it's not because they aren't trying hard enough, or 'believing' in themselves, or 'putting themselves out there', it's not about a lack of hope or effort, it's because for a lot of us, the wiring we're born with, the way we exist, communicate and connect, isn't something the world knows how to love
we don't fit the instinctive molds people are drawn to
we miss the invisible signals everyone else seems to breathe without thinking
way say too much, or too little, we move wrong, we sound wrong
we make people uncomfortable without ever even meaning to, and they can't even explain why, they just pull away quietly, something inside them told them to leave
not because we're bad, not because we aren't worth knowing, but because the difference doesn't inspire love, it inspires distance and indifference
people want connection that feels easy, natural and seamless, they want laughter that flows without much thought, comfort without effort, affection without confusion
when you're autistic, everything takes effort, even the things that are supposed to be effortless
and so, no matter how much you work on yourself, no matter how much you 'improve', no matter how much you practice being palatable, what you can't erase is that sense of wrongness that people feel around you
and wrongness isn't something you can talk someone out of, it's not something you can fix with better posture, or a clever text, or a well timed smile
it's in the air, in the space between you and them, and it's heavy
the world loves the idea of acceptance, they like slogans about inclusions, they like campaigns and pride months, and little rainbow flags, but when it comes to the quiet, private moments, when it's just you and another person in a room, no amount of social progress can force someone to feel love that isn't there
and so most of us are left learning how to survive in a body, and a mind that will never be fully met
we'll spend years hoping, until hope rots into resignation
we'll watch as others find connection, fall in love, and get second, third and fifth chances
while we stay frozen behind glass, untouched, misunderstood and tolerated at best, abandoned at worst
we aren't supposed to say this, we're supposed to keep trying, keep smiling, and keep 'putting ourselves out there' until we die of exhaustion and disappointment
we're supposed to believe that love is just around the corner, that someone will 'see the real me' if we're just patient enough
but the truth is, some of us will die never having been loved the way we needed to be.
not because we're lazy, not because we're negative, not because we're too damaged, but because the world isn't built to love minds that don't mirror their own back at them
and you can either spend your life chasing a door that was never built for you, or you can sit with the grief, ugly as it is, heavy as it will be, and let it harden into something you can deal with
not hope, not bitterness, just a stubborn painful kind of dignity, don't lie to yourself, don't insult what you've been through pretending otherwise, just accept you'll never be loved the way you deserve, and somehow you'll have to live with that anyway
not in the way they deserve to.
and it's not because they aren't trying hard enough, or 'believing' in themselves, or 'putting themselves out there', it's not about a lack of hope or effort, it's because for a lot of us, the wiring we're born with, the way we exist, communicate and connect, isn't something the world knows how to love
we don't fit the instinctive molds people are drawn to
we miss the invisible signals everyone else seems to breathe without thinking
way say too much, or too little, we move wrong, we sound wrong
we make people uncomfortable without ever even meaning to, and they can't even explain why, they just pull away quietly, something inside them told them to leave
not because we're bad, not because we aren't worth knowing, but because the difference doesn't inspire love, it inspires distance and indifference
people want connection that feels easy, natural and seamless, they want laughter that flows without much thought, comfort without effort, affection without confusion
when you're autistic, everything takes effort, even the things that are supposed to be effortless
and so, no matter how much you work on yourself, no matter how much you 'improve', no matter how much you practice being palatable, what you can't erase is that sense of wrongness that people feel around you
and wrongness isn't something you can talk someone out of, it's not something you can fix with better posture, or a clever text, or a well timed smile
it's in the air, in the space between you and them, and it's heavy
the world loves the idea of acceptance, they like slogans about inclusions, they like campaigns and pride months, and little rainbow flags, but when it comes to the quiet, private moments, when it's just you and another person in a room, no amount of social progress can force someone to feel love that isn't there
and so most of us are left learning how to survive in a body, and a mind that will never be fully met
we'll spend years hoping, until hope rots into resignation
we'll watch as others find connection, fall in love, and get second, third and fifth chances
while we stay frozen behind glass, untouched, misunderstood and tolerated at best, abandoned at worst
we aren't supposed to say this, we're supposed to keep trying, keep smiling, and keep 'putting ourselves out there' until we die of exhaustion and disappointment
we're supposed to believe that love is just around the corner, that someone will 'see the real me' if we're just patient enough
but the truth is, some of us will die never having been loved the way we needed to be.
not because we're lazy, not because we're negative, not because we're too damaged, but because the world isn't built to love minds that don't mirror their own back at them
and you can either spend your life chasing a door that was never built for you, or you can sit with the grief, ugly as it is, heavy as it will be, and let it harden into something you can deal with
not hope, not bitterness, just a stubborn painful kind of dignity, don't lie to yourself, don't insult what you've been through pretending otherwise, just accept you'll never be loved the way you deserve, and somehow you'll have to live with that anyway
