My mother used to be my safe space, now shes a tunnel directly to my volatile father

[io_ash_79]

I am a 17 year old male, for the longest time i have felt alone and isolated in almost every aspect of my life, but i always knew in the back of my head that if it got too bad i could find solace and peace in my mother. Recently life has been exceptionally cruel. Not financially. Ive just been recieving a lot of backwards information. Anyways. Me and my father went to see the spiderman movie, since spiderman has been one of my favourites my whole life and i really enjoyed that movie. We had a nice day overall. after taking the train back home we stopped off by a convienince store and we picked up some ice tea, an apple juice and something else i cant place my finger on. During our adventure in the store he complained about the prices, he asked why they were so high and i told him that it was cuz of several economic factors and blah blah blah he already knew but i just wanted to seem smart for a little so maybe he would be impressed or something idk. Anyways he asked if i should put my nice hand a half sized plastic apple juice bottle away and to get a pack of apple and mango soda for the same price, i said "yeah ok" and "fine" and once i turned he started his bi-daily tantrum. He said it sounds like i dont actually wanna and i seem dissapointed, i then try to explain that i dont really care and that i"its your money at the end of the day" (that ticked him off, which i dont understand what i was supposed to do, i didnt really wanna put it back and i understood that whilst he can def afford it, it was for the better. So when i said that i was in my eyes passing the ball over to him to make the choice because i personally know that in the end i wont care about it. and because i cant converse or get a grip on how other people talk. I dont know what else to say, i say the same to my friends and its fine there). After that when i walked a few meters to put it back, just as i was supposed to turn into the aisle he said "This will never work in the real world this stuff youre doing, you wont be able to communicate with anyone" and i replied "Well none of you are really worth communcating with anyways" as i turned around. Yes im aware that was a dick move, yes im aware i shouldnt have said that and YES im aware im a dumbass. On the walk home he started ranting loudly about how im supressing my emotions (my voice and facial expressions were flat and often times are because im not an emotional rollercoaster like my father who literally gers emotional from eating fucking fruit YES eating FUCKING FRUIT makes him emotional inside) and how i need to talk in full sentances ( i do ? like any normal person.) and just a bunch of other stupid shit that only the dumbest most ignorant person you have ever seen in ur life would ever think or say. He just cant handle or think for a minute to realize that people are different and communcate in different ways. That day was the day i realized that i had to keep masking as a normal person and to suffocate every single one of my unique traits in public. Theres more to it than that but im not typing allat lets be real. Moving on. When we get home i tell him ill call my mom outside. So i got outisde and i go somewhere a few roads away, surrounded by some nice trees and stuff. Theres a fox in the distance and i call my mom(shes in another country currently) and i vent, and yk ill admit i said a few wrong things but it was late and i was tired but basically i started swearing and saying vulgar things and overall just being loud and rude. And when she started yelling at me for it i told her fully in loud tears that a man needs a place to swear and a place to shout and a place to cry everyonce in a while otherwise the man becomes hollow and dead inside. and i told her that shes my place, and that shes the only rope i got to hang onto and that i cant just call a friend or a family member. Does she think i havent tried?She even told me recognizes that i come to her to get away from him for a minute and speak my mind. Anyways she tells me that shes gonna have to tell my dad who for the past 12 or so years has been abusive and controlling and angry as all hell. I have memories from as little as 5 years old of him pushing and shoving my pregnant mother into the wall whilst she screams about the baby : ( all my life hes been a physical and an emotional and a mental threat to me and my mother and my sisters. my first sister didnt even get the chance to be born before getting hurt and feeling the insurmountable betrayal and sadness of domestic violence. Anyways, she tells my dad as i text her that she has betrayed me and that i am alone for good. and when i get home my father of course cusses me out. telling me that i am just trying to find things to be sad about, then he talks about the son of a very close family friend and how at just age 12 he had to listen and watch as a man he has only known for a few months shouts at his mother and breaks the house. Does he not remember when at just age 12 i had to keep my sisters from crying as he dragged my mother in the kitchen and beat her nearly to death and beyond acceptable condition with a broomstick for nearly an hour whilst we heard every single word, hit and cry. Does he not remember when my mother called me a coward for not doing anything? Does he not remember shouting at me to go away through the wall like hes got fucking x ray vision when i was standing behind the door debating whether or not i should bust in and interrupt it? Does he not remember everything hes ever done to me and my sisters? How the reason i cant even express my own emotions or feel comfortable around him, is his own doing? That its not normal to remember events so very vividly from a time i wasnt even old enough to be a 1st grader ? Is it normal to literally wish for the death of your father returning home before you can write a full paragraph without complaining about it? Does he not rememeber anything? He has traumatized me, destroyed me inside. Because its not only physically the way he hurt us, it was in every other way. to try and make sure that a part of him and his father and his fathers father and so on will always be inside of us. Inside of me especially. none of what he ever said or done has ever made me more of a man, it only made me so sure that ill murder the fucker when hes old and frail, when hes too weak to defend himself. That ill end his bloodline. My mother was the only person who even slightly cared about me, the only one who would do anything about the bullies. the only one that asked about my day. But it seems ladies and gents, that women no longer exists, she just tells me to deal with it. that dealing with him will only lead to depression. little does she know her actions of betrayal have left me completely stranded, she sent me a message hours later saying that if all i needed was a place to shout about my dad, to tell her so she wont feel "sad and upset". But after my history of complaining about my father she shouldve already picked up on it already. She admitted in the same call that everytime i talk to her on the phone she tells my dad that he "did a bad thing" or "did a bullshit" and i sat there on the grass wondering how much shit ive ever said just went directly to him. I just cant help but feel an urge to call her and cuss her out for betraying me like that, for making sure that when i got home my every experience with abuse or isolation was invalidated by my father in the same 10 minute lecture. I couldnt even watch the final scene of invincible without crying and cringing at how mark got beaten by his father while trying to fight back. Cause i have tried to fight back in the past and it went exactly the way it was shown in that show. But nolan becoming a better person is not accurate to how its shown. They never become better people, only more tired. My father is still the same man he was my whole life, every version ive ever seen and known of him from his late 20's to his early then mid then late 30's to now his early 40's have all been the exact same person. just increasingly more tired eachtime. and ive gotta say lads. im tired as well. tired of life and tired of being a kid, that sounds foolish and dumb and trust me. i know it isnt a walk in the park being an adult. but it will always beat being so helpless and weak as a child, its like i alwways say: Everyone knows that real power comes from money. Not muscles. When you control somones money and way of life. You control their entire existence