disillusioned
Fuchsia
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2019
- Posts
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I used to cope with this BS meme about 'higher purpose' and how I was somehow above Chad for at least having high-IQ hobbies, including writing, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how pathetic this really was. Who fucking cares? There's a ton of losers who are talented at something who are still utterly miserable subhumans just the same. Ok, so you made this video game or you wrote this book or whatever, but those things don't make you happy by themselves. Those things are more like a side dish that's supposed to be paired with the main meal. You're not supposed to have only French fries for dinner.
The realization became even more brutal once I realized how much I miss drinking. I can't do it anymore because my body got physically addicted (I was an alcoholic), so I had to stop, but I'm extremely nostalgic for all the years I spent drinking. Going to bars, having weird but fun chats with other random drunks while downing gallons of beer, even just getting shitfaced in front of the TV watching some funny shit. Literally the happiest moments of my life were obtained doing this shit, even though it was 'meaningless' and 'shallow' according to conventional wisdom.
And now? I can't do it anymore. Even though I objectively have more 'meaningful' interests now (I now have thousands of followers for my fiction writing, which I did not have in the past, plus I'm deep into game dev), I still feel much less happy now that I can't go on wild drinking binges anymore doing fun shit. Life simply lacks color now. And my libido, naturally, is much worse because I'm in my mid-30s now.
Fuck this shit. I feel like I've already lived my life and that there's not much reason to go on, even though I'm only halfway through. All this BS about 'meaning' is so much cope. All that matters is raw pleasure, and it doesn't matter how it happens.
The realization became even more brutal once I realized how much I miss drinking. I can't do it anymore because my body got physically addicted (I was an alcoholic), so I had to stop, but I'm extremely nostalgic for all the years I spent drinking. Going to bars, having weird but fun chats with other random drunks while downing gallons of beer, even just getting shitfaced in front of the TV watching some funny shit. Literally the happiest moments of my life were obtained doing this shit, even though it was 'meaningless' and 'shallow' according to conventional wisdom.
And now? I can't do it anymore. Even though I objectively have more 'meaningful' interests now (I now have thousands of followers for my fiction writing, which I did not have in the past, plus I'm deep into game dev), I still feel much less happy now that I can't go on wild drinking binges anymore doing fun shit. Life simply lacks color now. And my libido, naturally, is much worse because I'm in my mid-30s now.
Fuck this shit. I feel like I've already lived my life and that there's not much reason to go on, even though I'm only halfway through. All this BS about 'meaning' is so much cope. All that matters is raw pleasure, and it doesn't matter how it happens.
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