A
adhd
Iron
- Joined
- Mar 13, 2026
- Posts
- 1
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- 3
not an attention stunt nor is this little rant a sympathy farm. anyway im 18 and the core reason for the post is because my girlfriend actually committed suicide a week ago, because of an argument where i ended up telling her too. even when i knew she was actively suicidal. we got in an argument over some stuff ill talk about later but she's my first love asw and that's mainly why i didn't or almost couldn't leave her. and ur "first love" is supposed to be ur blueprint for all ur next experiences right so it's just extremely weird to think about, doesn't even feel real. ive completely lost my appetite, ate half an air fried fish yesterday but that's it lmao, ive actively been taking hydroxyzine to just sleep it away during the day, and as of now im taking 5-6 pills through out the day (~50-60mg). i take one or two to fall asleep and repeat it as i wake up from those, or hold back for a little while just to eat and drink. yeah and another thing is i go from just bawling my eyes out at night to completely numb or even euphoric and ig thats part of the "grieving" process or wtv but euphoric or not i've felt completely trapped for the past week, i wanted a life with her but now i literally cant and its just pure torture. now what led to the final argument was actually cheating, and this is like pretty embarrassing to admit but she actually cheated on me over 5 times. i "had enough" every time but i always stayed, got this random wave of like i cant be without her which was just my painful attachment for her. and ig she knew how to pull me back in every time, she'd threaten suicide say she couldn't live with out me this and that and she ended up using an amazon tattoo kit she bought a week prior to literally tattoo my name on her upper arm on facetime to i guess make up for it? thought that was it but yea she did it again and i just got explosively mad at her, told her to kill herself and that i dont love her anymore yadiyada which yeah led to her actually killing herself as said. and it kinda shattered me thinking about it cause i mean she's had nothing but a horrible life- she was repeatedly raped on video by her dad as a kid, homeless for a couple weeks at 15, taking fentanyl pills even smoking meth at one point. but yeah i wouldn't say im actively suicidal as im writing this, i mean i might be but im not sure, its weird. a feeling that i can actually put into words though is that i feel like im in a cage, i want a life with her very fucking bad but i now literally cant, i want to apologize and "fix" shit again but now i can't do that either, even if it wouldn't have worked anyway. if only she'd have moved on from me and just stay alive it would've been fine, but yeah that's obviously not what happened. i mean what do i even do at this point, nothing excites me anymore, i wont ever love again or move on from her and i already kinda know this. i probably would've if she was at least alive, but she's not and won't ever be again. im extremely unmotivated atm aswell i mean i was supposed to go to a meeting with a doctor to possibly get a prescription for anti depressants but i decided to just disable my alarms and go back to sleep, which is obviously retarded but i can't even find motivation to get out of bed.
sorry for any wording mistakes or wtv i really cant be bothered writing smt decent but that's all
sorry for any wording mistakes or wtv i really cant be bothered writing smt decent but that's all
