D
Deleted member 361547
Iron
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2026
- Posts
- 2
- Reputation
- 10
Living with Dying
Everything is the same.
Every day is the same.
I can’t breathe.
I want to throw up… but I can’t.
I’m angry at myself.
I feel numb.
Like I don’t exist.
I want to hit something…
but I hold back.
Nostalgia
I was someone once.
Someone alive.
He and I… not the same.
I want him back.
I try to be myself… but I fail.
Why do I fit in with people I don’t like?
Why wear what I don’t love… but buy it anyway?
Running
I lie to everyone.
No one knows my dreams.
Maybe no one ever will.
I tell myself I’ll change.
I never do.
Time slips. Regret grows.
The cycle repeats.
I feel weak.
Not strong.
I want to hit myself… not for strength, but for failure.
Falling
I’m screaming into a void.
I want to tear it all down…
my chest, my hands, my walls, my brain.
Anger. Disgust. Nostalgia. Regret.
This is mine.
I write it.
I break it.
I release it.
Crushing
Pen down.
Breathe.
Nothing is fixed… but lighter.
Tomorrow I may smash again.
But right now…
I’ve demolished a piece of me.
Safely. Fully. Honestly.
Drowning
I’m full of anger I can’t name.
I hate the mirror.
I hate my words.
I’m stuck.
I can’t escape.
I want to run.
Vanish.
Scream.
I’m choking on myself.
Everything is too heavy.
Going to Sleep
I’m running but can’t move.
My chest is tight.
My stomach twists.
I see the end before it comes.
People will be there…
but I won’t have a place.
Nothing I do will matter.
I’ll be invisible.
Forgotten.
Regret
It was all my fault.
Why was I so slothful, so passive?
Why did I think fitting in was better than real friends?
Why did what others think matter more than my happiness?
All the sleepless nights…
Even when I sleep, I don’t rest.
I can’t love myself.
I still haven’t learned how.
Until I learn that…
I’ll never love someone else.
It was my first time.
What was I supposed to do?
Disgust
If I could talk to my past self…
I could barely look at him.
I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him.
How could you think your actions would turn out well?
The truth is… you didn’t think.
You were a disappointment.
You didn’t realize how much you affected others.
It all feels like your fault.
No one ever taught me better.
No one told me who I was supposed to be.
Of course I looked up to the “cool kids.”
What was I supposed to do?
How could you think she wouldn’t understand?
Why push her away… knowing you’d regret it?
And you still did.
Jealousy
I could blame everything on my past self…
But I’m not doing that.
How are you any better than me?
The only difference is awareness…
But we’re still the same.
Hope
If no one is coming…
I have to start moving myself.
Not all at once.
Not heroically.
Just one action…
That breaks the circle a little.
Castle in the Sky
I had a dream.
It will never leave me.
A dream to be happy in life.
Some people work to live.
Others live to work.
I want to live to enjoy life.
I want to leave my reality behind…
Go somewhere far away…
And find someone who will cheer me up.
I know I can’t do it alone.
My dream isn’t easy.
Many people never achieve it.
The dream is to become better than others…
To burn out in quantitative finance.
To work at the highest level.
To build a life somewhere new.
A place where I can become a new person…
And meet a new person too.
Clouds
I don’t know what to say…
Because I don’t know the answer.
I can’t imagine breaking the circle.
Maybe the truth is… I don’t want to.
The circle feels like starting a fire…
It grows massive.
Reaches others.
No one likes it.
In the end…
I sacrifice myself to put it out.
Until nothing is left.
Only white ash.
Clear Sky
What survives in the ash?
A small spark.
It doesn’t know what’s coming.
It is fragile…
But it’s mine.
Storm Before Rain
Among the white ash…
Something starts again.
A small spark.
It carries hope…
But it doesn’t know what’s coming next.
Maybe that uncertainty is the real tragedy.
Quantitative finance is the only thing
That feels like the real me.
It’s mine.
Mine alone.
Lightning
Among the spark that’s left…
A stranger comes.
They step forward…
And turn it off.
Others see it as beautiful…
But it is gone before it could grow.
Tragedy
Among the white ash…
A spark still flickers.
It does not know what comes next.
Some strangers try to extinguish it.
Others see it as beautiful…
But it is fragile.
Quantitative finance…
The dream…
The desire to be real… to be better…
It all survives in that spark.
And yet…
The fire.
The ashes.
The sorrow.
The cycles…
They are still here.
Living with dying.
Hoping.
Burning.
Breaking.
Rebuilding…
But never fully whole.
That is my story.
My tragedy.
My spark.
My ashes.
My living with dying.
(i never upoen UP myself till now and dont have anyone to talk to i still feel bad inside i was thinking this will help a bit but didnt i am in long run of breaking myself)
Everything is the same.
Every day is the same.
I can’t breathe.
I want to throw up… but I can’t.
I’m angry at myself.
I feel numb.
Like I don’t exist.
I want to hit something…
but I hold back.
Nostalgia
I was someone once.
Someone alive.
He and I… not the same.
I want him back.
I try to be myself… but I fail.
Why do I fit in with people I don’t like?
Why wear what I don’t love… but buy it anyway?
Running
I lie to everyone.
No one knows my dreams.
Maybe no one ever will.
I tell myself I’ll change.
I never do.
Time slips. Regret grows.
The cycle repeats.
I feel weak.
Not strong.
I want to hit myself… not for strength, but for failure.
Falling
I’m screaming into a void.
I want to tear it all down…
my chest, my hands, my walls, my brain.
Anger. Disgust. Nostalgia. Regret.
This is mine.
I write it.
I break it.
I release it.
Crushing
Pen down.
Breathe.
Nothing is fixed… but lighter.
Tomorrow I may smash again.
But right now…
I’ve demolished a piece of me.
Safely. Fully. Honestly.
Drowning
I’m full of anger I can’t name.
I hate the mirror.
I hate my words.
I’m stuck.
I can’t escape.
I want to run.
Vanish.
Scream.
I’m choking on myself.
Everything is too heavy.
Going to Sleep
I’m running but can’t move.
My chest is tight.
My stomach twists.
I see the end before it comes.
People will be there…
but I won’t have a place.
Nothing I do will matter.
I’ll be invisible.
Forgotten.
Regret
It was all my fault.
Why was I so slothful, so passive?
Why did I think fitting in was better than real friends?
Why did what others think matter more than my happiness?
All the sleepless nights…
Even when I sleep, I don’t rest.
I can’t love myself.
I still haven’t learned how.
Until I learn that…
I’ll never love someone else.
It was my first time.
What was I supposed to do?
Disgust
If I could talk to my past self…
I could barely look at him.
I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him.
How could you think your actions would turn out well?
The truth is… you didn’t think.
You were a disappointment.
You didn’t realize how much you affected others.
It all feels like your fault.
No one ever taught me better.
No one told me who I was supposed to be.
Of course I looked up to the “cool kids.”
What was I supposed to do?
How could you think she wouldn’t understand?
Why push her away… knowing you’d regret it?
And you still did.
Jealousy
I could blame everything on my past self…
But I’m not doing that.
How are you any better than me?
The only difference is awareness…
But we’re still the same.
Hope
If no one is coming…
I have to start moving myself.
Not all at once.
Not heroically.
Just one action…
That breaks the circle a little.
Castle in the Sky
I had a dream.
It will never leave me.
A dream to be happy in life.
Some people work to live.
Others live to work.
I want to live to enjoy life.
I want to leave my reality behind…
Go somewhere far away…
And find someone who will cheer me up.
I know I can’t do it alone.
My dream isn’t easy.
Many people never achieve it.
The dream is to become better than others…
To burn out in quantitative finance.
To work at the highest level.
To build a life somewhere new.
A place where I can become a new person…
And meet a new person too.
Clouds
I don’t know what to say…
Because I don’t know the answer.
I can’t imagine breaking the circle.
Maybe the truth is… I don’t want to.
The circle feels like starting a fire…
It grows massive.
Reaches others.
No one likes it.
In the end…
I sacrifice myself to put it out.
Until nothing is left.
Only white ash.
Clear Sky
What survives in the ash?
A small spark.
It doesn’t know what’s coming.
It is fragile…
But it’s mine.
Storm Before Rain
Among the white ash…
Something starts again.
A small spark.
It carries hope…
But it doesn’t know what’s coming next.
Maybe that uncertainty is the real tragedy.
Quantitative finance is the only thing
That feels like the real me.
It’s mine.
Mine alone.
Lightning
Among the spark that’s left…
A stranger comes.
They step forward…
And turn it off.
Others see it as beautiful…
But it is gone before it could grow.
Tragedy
Among the white ash…
A spark still flickers.
It does not know what comes next.
Some strangers try to extinguish it.
Others see it as beautiful…
But it is fragile.
Quantitative finance…
The dream…
The desire to be real… to be better…
It all survives in that spark.
And yet…
The fire.
The ashes.
The sorrow.
The cycles…
They are still here.
Living with dying.
Hoping.
Burning.
Breaking.
Rebuilding…
But never fully whole.
That is my story.
My tragedy.
My spark.
My ashes.
My living with dying.
(i never upoen UP myself till now and dont have anyone to talk to i still feel bad inside i was thinking this will help a bit but didnt i am in long run of breaking myself)
