blackmf
Iron
- Joined
- Sep 14, 2023
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I'm 19 years old, hard stuck at 130 lb and 5'7 1/2" (According to doctors)
Little about myself:
Scroll down for the main context on the main question
I have been the smallest in school and in public for as long as I can remember. I was always bullied no matter what (school, summer camp, by other family members, etc.) I have always been small and weak, and I was treated as such. Pushed around, constantly talked over, and bullied, and women don't respect me. I also am sub-5 (I don't even bother putting my face on here; I already know my place). Essentially, no matter what environment I enter, I have (literally) always been treated and looked at as a cuck and a bitch.
It got so bad that at 15 years old, I started doing a minimum of 300 push-ups every day + 100 weighted jump squats on top of my normal workouts. At the time, I wasn't eating enough because I was scared of estrogenic food and ruining my testosterone, and my mom would always make soy and shit, so I ate around 500 calories (not knowing that would make my test worse). This was also during puberty, so you can guess what years of eating like that did to me long-term.
About a year or so ago, after some crazy shit went down in my life, I moved in with my dad, and things were actually taking a turn for the better. Unfortunately, I didn't see the opportunity and blessings that came with living with my dad. He provided me with nutritious food (that wouldn't fuck with my T), a stable two-parent household (his girlfriend lived with him), healthy relationships with family (Dad's side), and most importantly, guidance only a father can give.
You might be wondering, how could I have fucked this life-changing opportunity up? Well, back then, I wasn't sub 5, with a harsh rating; I was most likely around MTN. This was good enough for me to have some interaction with women. I met this one junkie girl I really liked back when I was smoking weed, and long story short, I fell deeply in love with her and decided I would let her ruin my life. I ended up doing a shitload of psychedelics and hallucinogens with her and destroying my mental state. I lost complete touch with reality, and of course, she ended up leaving me for this basketball player. She started gaslighting me that she and he were "just friends," and eventually, she cut all contact with me because of him. I lost my fucking mind and started coping with more drugs, which caused me to reach peak psychosis and leave my dad's house. My reasoning came from an exaggeration of the only downside to living with him, and that was the lack of freedom. I could barely go out, and he lived on a side of town that was secluded from my friends and social events. I moved back in with my mom, and things got even worse than the first time I lived with her.
(I am no longer allowed back at my dad's house.)
Start here for info related to the question; scroll down further to the huge text for the question
Now that I have moved back to my mom's, my mental health is at an all-time low.
I got diagnosed with manic bipolar disorder. I'm having mild hallucinations and extreme paranoia, and a variety of delusions.
I contemplate suicide every day, and I can't seek support from any of my friends. I always have thoughts lingering in the back of my head that they are making fun of me and that they aren't real friends.
I have been off drugs for months, but I feel even worse than when I was on them, and while trying to get off them, the first 30 days were the worst.
My symptoms are so bad that I can't go a day without using ChatGPT as a therapist and getting it to talk me into not killing myself. I can't sleep and always have to remind myself to eat because I stopped feeling hungry. It's rare that I eat over 600 calories in a day.
I'm getting treated more like a bitch by people at school than ever before.
Women dare to talk down on me like I'm a little boy, and the guys make fun of me every day (mind you, this is in college).
They treat me like an actual subhuman, and it's because I can't do anything about it at my stature.
I had one girl say to my face I don't even look like a man. She decided to publicly humiliate me by comparing me to some random HTN nigga in the middle of the lounge (in front of everyone) and how I lacked specific features that make a man.
Women often show fake interest in me just to get a laugh from their group, and when I walk past groups of girls, they go silent and abruptly burst into laughter.
My friend, who has shared some of the same problems (with women, confidence, and stature), shared how pinning completely changed the trajectory of his life. He claimed he literally felt like a GOD. After doing some research on how people felt after their first (test) pin, I feel like pinning might be the answer I've been looking for. I wanted to get a variety of opinions, and I don't have much to work with for obvious reasons. I got my doctor to test my levels yesterday so I can see if there's been any change (since my condition has gotten drastically worse), and I'm hoping to get some sort of diagnosis, but I'm almost sure that I am suffering from secondary hypogonadism. Even if I don't get a prescription, I have found what seems like a reliable source for Test Enanthate, so I will be able to pin regardless of my levels. So I need your guys' opinions and expertise. Will pinning save my life?
Little about myself:
Scroll down for the main context on the main question
I have been the smallest in school and in public for as long as I can remember. I was always bullied no matter what (school, summer camp, by other family members, etc.) I have always been small and weak, and I was treated as such. Pushed around, constantly talked over, and bullied, and women don't respect me. I also am sub-5 (I don't even bother putting my face on here; I already know my place). Essentially, no matter what environment I enter, I have (literally) always been treated and looked at as a cuck and a bitch.
It got so bad that at 15 years old, I started doing a minimum of 300 push-ups every day + 100 weighted jump squats on top of my normal workouts. At the time, I wasn't eating enough because I was scared of estrogenic food and ruining my testosterone, and my mom would always make soy and shit, so I ate around 500 calories (not knowing that would make my test worse). This was also during puberty, so you can guess what years of eating like that did to me long-term.
About a year or so ago, after some crazy shit went down in my life, I moved in with my dad, and things were actually taking a turn for the better. Unfortunately, I didn't see the opportunity and blessings that came with living with my dad. He provided me with nutritious food (that wouldn't fuck with my T), a stable two-parent household (his girlfriend lived with him), healthy relationships with family (Dad's side), and most importantly, guidance only a father can give.
You might be wondering, how could I have fucked this life-changing opportunity up? Well, back then, I wasn't sub 5, with a harsh rating; I was most likely around MTN. This was good enough for me to have some interaction with women. I met this one junkie girl I really liked back when I was smoking weed, and long story short, I fell deeply in love with her and decided I would let her ruin my life. I ended up doing a shitload of psychedelics and hallucinogens with her and destroying my mental state. I lost complete touch with reality, and of course, she ended up leaving me for this basketball player. She started gaslighting me that she and he were "just friends," and eventually, she cut all contact with me because of him. I lost my fucking mind and started coping with more drugs, which caused me to reach peak psychosis and leave my dad's house. My reasoning came from an exaggeration of the only downside to living with him, and that was the lack of freedom. I could barely go out, and he lived on a side of town that was secluded from my friends and social events. I moved back in with my mom, and things got even worse than the first time I lived with her.
(I am no longer allowed back at my dad's house.)
Start here for info related to the question; scroll down further to the huge text for the question
Now that I have moved back to my mom's, my mental health is at an all-time low.
I got diagnosed with manic bipolar disorder. I'm having mild hallucinations and extreme paranoia, and a variety of delusions.
I contemplate suicide every day, and I can't seek support from any of my friends. I always have thoughts lingering in the back of my head that they are making fun of me and that they aren't real friends.
I have been off drugs for months, but I feel even worse than when I was on them, and while trying to get off them, the first 30 days were the worst.
My symptoms are so bad that I can't go a day without using ChatGPT as a therapist and getting it to talk me into not killing myself. I can't sleep and always have to remind myself to eat because I stopped feeling hungry. It's rare that I eat over 600 calories in a day.
I'm getting treated more like a bitch by people at school than ever before.
Women dare to talk down on me like I'm a little boy, and the guys make fun of me every day (mind you, this is in college).
They treat me like an actual subhuman, and it's because I can't do anything about it at my stature.
I had one girl say to my face I don't even look like a man. She decided to publicly humiliate me by comparing me to some random HTN nigga in the middle of the lounge (in front of everyone) and how I lacked specific features that make a man.
Women often show fake interest in me just to get a laugh from their group, and when I walk past groups of girls, they go silent and abruptly burst into laughter.
My friend, who has shared some of the same problems (with women, confidence, and stature), shared how pinning completely changed the trajectory of his life. He claimed he literally felt like a GOD. After doing some research on how people felt after their first (test) pin, I feel like pinning might be the answer I've been looking for. I wanted to get a variety of opinions, and I don't have much to work with for obvious reasons. I got my doctor to test my levels yesterday so I can see if there's been any change (since my condition has gotten drastically worse), and I'm hoping to get some sort of diagnosis, but I'm almost sure that I am suffering from secondary hypogonadism. Even if I don't get a prescription, I have found what seems like a reliable source for Test Enanthate, so I will be able to pin regardless of my levels. So I need your guys' opinions and expertise. Will pinning save my life?
