You’ll be playing catch up for the rest of your life

[Ctrozo]

Psychologically, children who are never chosen or loved in a special way often grow up without the ability to love others.
Just like we recognize the taste of an apple only because we've eaten one before, a person who hasn't experienced real love can't truly understand or give it.
When they do encounter love later in life, two things usually happen.
First, they fear it. We learn to see the world through our environment. If someone grows up in a home where love is absent, that absence becomes their normal. So when real love shows up, it feels unnatural, suspicious even dangerous.
They think,
- Why are you being so nice to me?
- What do you want?
The more someone shows them love, the more they want to run away.
Second, they don't know how to love others. Love is learned through example. We love people the way we were loved. But if you've never been shown love, you don't have a template to follow.
Even if you want to love, it comes out wrong, either overwhelming and suffocating or cold and distant.
While others were growing, you were surviving. While others were building careers, you were learning how to rebuild yourself.
Some people start at ground level, you’re climbing from the bottom of a pit.

 

[Primalsplit]

@MoggerGaston

 

[looks maximum]

 

[MoggerGaston]

Psychologically, children who are never chosen or loved in a special way often grow up without the ability to love others.
Just like we recognize the taste of an apple only because we've eaten one before, a person who hasn't experienced real love can't truly understand or give it.
When they do encounter love later in life, two things usually happen.
First, they fear it. We learn to see the world through our environment. If someone grows up in a home where love is absent, that absence becomes their normal. So when real love shows up, it feels unnatural, suspicious even dangerous.
They think,
- Why are you being so nice to me?
- What do you want?
The more someone shows them love, the more they want to run away.
Second, they don't know how to love others. Love is learned through example. We love people the way we were loved. But if you've never been shown love, you don't have a template to follow.
Even if you want to love, it comes out wrong, either overwhelming and suffocating or cold and distant.
While others were growing, you were surviving. While others were building careers, you were learning how to rebuild yourself.
Some people start at ground level, you’re climbing from the bottom of a pit.

@MoggerGaston

insanely relatable in every single way possible. My parents never showed me or eachother any love.

all my relationships, and now also friendships later in life, I felt scared, not belonging, not really knowing how to act. There were no good feelings for me, just stress.
I fake my emotions, I fake behavior, I fake what I say, who I am. Or atleast it feels fake to me.

Laughing/Smiling feels like an act for example, because theres no underlying good emotion. It's merely facial gestures signalling NTness.
Absolutely fucked nervous-system

 

[Primalsplit]

insanely relatable in every single way possible. My parents never showed me or eachother any love.

all my relationships, and now also friendships later in life, I felt scared, not belonging, not really knowing how to act. There were no good feelings for me, just stress.
I fake my emotions, I fake behavior, I fake what I say, who I am. Or atleast it feels fake to me.

Laughing/Smiling feels like an act for example, because theres no underlying good emotion. It's merely facial gestures signalling NTness.
Absolutely fucked nervous-system

@MoggerGaston in an alternate universe:

 

[McSkziofren]

Might be. But ít will be worth its while.

 

[FoolYoungHi]

True. Although IMO majority of people grow up in non functional households when I look around me. It's just the level which differs. Some children have insanely bad lives because their parents have no control over their negative behaviours. Often alcoholics too or drugs involved.

My parents always tried their best. I guess I am lucky with that. Because they are not the healthiest psychologically and definitely have issues. But they never abused me or were too harsh on me. Or mistreated me heavily. It was more like they couldn't learn me how to deal with life properly. Which caused issues for me later on when I had to deal with life.

My youth from age 1-10 or so was actually very good. Little stress. Friends, very positive mindset as a child etc. But once my adult life began I couldn't handle it and do well in it. It caused me too much stress and anxiety.

I feel bad for those who grow up with abusive parents. I always think to myself why those people even have children if they are going to take out all their shitty trauma and garbage they built up on their children. Like an easy punching bag. It's lame.

 

[OneCopDayKepRopAway]

This is good thread, Honesly love being absent does fuck with you. Love is not hormone and shit you mistake with horniness. Love does not exist, it is just respect, understanding, forgiving and trying to fix broken things together thing. It is manly trust just like you said, when you have never grown up with love, you are naturally afraid of it, people often mistaken this with being manipulative or suspicious, no you are just abused street dog, your mind has been fucked beyond repair. You can not fix broken glass, because it will leak out, if not today then tommorow. I wish this wasnot me, my parent did love me, but did not show it. They were harsh on me, my mom used to beat me for not studying, my dad when drunk used to make me stand 4-5 hours talking about same shit, at school I was bullied, beaten, mocked.
I did change myself and came out from that situation, but it will always be with me, absence of emotion, empathy and love.

 

[MoggerGaston]

I feel bad for those who grow up with abusive parents. I always think to myself why those people even have children if they are going to take out all their shitty trauma and garbage they built up on their children. Like an easy punching bag. It's lame.

my dad who always struggled with depression and mental-issues, personally told me he got kids because 'it was the normal thing to do and he wanted a normal life'. He also told me has forever regretted this decision to get kids, but now 'he was stuck with me'.
He wasn't too bad to me personally, never abusive, just very absent, depressed and was never a role-model to me in any way or shape. Never taught me anything usefull in life or helped me with anything

His biggest flaw was being an enabler to my abusive narc mother who absolutely destroyed me. My mother would regularly tell me she wished I was never born and I ruined her life by being born, which is a step-up from my dad merely saying he regretted having children but doesn't have hate towards me personally for that, just his own decision.
Never knew why my mother got kids but could be similar reasoning where you just want to follow the script cuz people around you are doing it and you want to fit in or something.

I also know both of my parents lived through me. They completely disliked their lives, what they achieved, how they lived. And now me, as their kid, had to do all the things they never got to do. I had to do all these hobbies, I had to be the best at school, I had to be the perfect son, and then they would brag about me to their friends and family about my achievements. While at the same time telling me they don't love me and never wanted me and I ruined their life.

It has made me feel completely unlovable as an adult. Even within relationships I feel unlovable due to this trauma so it never works out and there is no emotional connection or feeling of safety, ever.

 

[OneCopDayKepRopAway]

my dad who always struggled with depression and mental-issues, personally told me he got kids because 'it was the normal thing to do and he wanted a normal life'. He also told me has forever regretted this decision to get kids, but now 'he was stuck with me'.
He wasn't too bad to me personally, never abusive, just very absent, depressed and was never a role-model to me in any way or shape. Never taught me anything usefull in life or helped me with anything

His biggest flaw was being an enabler to my abusive narc mother who absolutely destroyed me. My mother would regularly tell me she wished I was never born and I ruined her life by being born, which is a step-up from my dad merely saying he regretted having children but doesn't have hate towards me personally for that, just his own decision.
Never knew why my mother got kids but could be similar reasoning where you just want to follow the script cuz people around you are doing it and you want to fit in or something.

I also know both of my parents lived through me. They completely disliked their lives, what they achieved, how they lived. And now me, as their kid, had to do all the things they never got to do. I had to do all these hobbies, I had to be the best at school, I had to be the perfect son, and then they would brag about me to their friends and family about my achievements. While at the same time telling me they don't love me and never wanted me and I ruined their life.

It has made me feel completely unlovable as an adult. Even within relationships I feel unlovable due to this trauma so it never works out and there is no emotional connection or feeling of safety, ever.

That is unfortunate man, I can understand your pain to some degree but it is what it is... can not unfuck your fried brain. Enjoy the life though and make sure your kid, if you even want to have one, does not goes through same abuse. keep miring

 

[FoolYoungHi]

my dad who always struggled with depression and mental-issues, personally told me he got kids because 'it was the normal thing to do and he wanted a normal life'. He also told me has forever regretted this decision to get kids, but now 'he was stuck with me'.
He wasn't too bad to me personally, never abusive, just very absent, depressed and was never a role-model to me in any way or shape. Never taught me anything usefull in life or helped me with anything

His biggest flaw was being an enabler to my abusive narc mother who absolutely destroyed me. My mother would regularly tell me she wished I was never born and I ruined her life by being born, which is a step-up from my dad merely saying he regretted having children but doesn't have hate towards me personally for that, just his own decision.
Never knew why my mother got kids but could be similar reasoning where you just want to follow the script cuz people around you are doing it and you want to fit in or something.

I also know both of my parents lived through me. They completely disliked their lives, what they achieved, how they lived. And now me, as their kid, had to do all the things they never got to do. I had to do all these hobbies, I had to be the best at school, I had to be the perfect son, and then they would brag about me to their friends and family about my achievements. While at the same time telling me they don't love me and never wanted me and I ruined their life.

It has made me feel completely unlovable as an adult. Even within relationships I feel unlovable due to this trauma so it never works out and there is no emotional connection or feeling of safety, ever.

Yes I had a similar dynamic (pushover dad, dominant mother) except their abuse level was low but this dynamic itself causes these potential things:

- You become low self esteem around women because you are used to a woman dominating you everyday. For example I always felt shy and threatened around any woman. Ironically this made me hate them back in the day. But what I really hated was how my mother treated me.

- You look for a dominant woman, codependent type of relationships, try to always make the woman happy. That's what happened to me. I learned behaviours to keep my mother from throwing tantrums because my father had no strength to stand up to her because HE himself had a similar upbringing with a dominant mother. And you keep doing this your whole life to other women, at least I did.

- You become passive in life. I notice this a lot with people who grow up with passive fathers.

Males with single mothers are way better because those mothers often love their son like their husband and those male kids look for rolemodels outside of their family because there is no male role model. It's only bad when they become criminals because they look up to masculine criminals.

The worst is to have a weak father because you will resent him not stepping up for you and learning you how to be a man. At the same time you will probably emulate him subconciously. And he probably got with a dominant woman because he himself grew up with a dominant mother.

Although it's not just behaviour I think people with similar health issues also gravitate to each other. Health dictates a lot too. Body generates low energy/lower hormone levels: more passiveness.

The living through children dynamic is dirty dirty stuff... but I see this a lot. Even in more functional households. A lot of people who have nothing going for them look for others to live their lives. Just look at how people live through celebrities. Or the modern day equalevent: Twitch streamers. It's lame. But kind of a human thing.

 

[MoggerGaston]

Yes I had a similar dynamic (pushover dad, dominant mother) except their abuse level was low but this dynamic itself causes these potential things:

- You become low self esteem around women because you are used to a woman dominating you everyday. For example I always felt shy and threatened around any woman. Ironically this made me hate them back in the day. But what I really hated was how my mother treated me.

very relatable. I was even scared of women untill my early 20s. Let alone being able to vibe with them whatsoever.

- You look for a dominant woman, codependent type of relationships, try to always make the woman happy. That's what happened to me. I learned behaviours to keep my mother from throwing tantrums because my father had no strength to stand up to her because HE himself had a similar upbringing with a dominant mother. And you keep doing this your whole life to other women, at least I did.

Also relatable. I like when women take some control, because I find it hard to do.

- You become passive in life. I notice this a lot with people who grow up with passive fathers.

Also true. I am being lived, I don't live. My father lived very passively, little hobbies, no friends, etc. I do the same.

Males with single mothers are way better because those mothers often love their son like their husband and those male kids look for rolemodels outside of their family because there is no male role model. It's only bad when they become criminals because they look up to masculine criminals.

It's too bad that single-dads basically don't exist. It could mog single-mom tbh.

The worst is to have a weak father because you will resent him not stepping up for you and learning you how to be a man. At the same time you will probably emulate him subconciously. And he probably got with a dominant woman because he himself grew up with a dominant mother.

Yup, my weak father is the worst possible role-model. But my dominant mother treating my dad like a pushover doormat also exemplified that role division.

My own mother would treat me like a pushover doormat, just like she did to my dad. Telling me to be submissive, etc.

Although it's not just behaviour I think people with similar health issues also gravitate to each other. Health dictates a lot too. Body generates low energy/lower hormone levels: more passiveness.

I don't vibe at all with other passive people. I vibe well with dominant, active types and I can then lift onto that flow of energy and I become more active myself.

The living through children dynamic is dirty dirty stuff... but I see this a lot. Even in more functional households. A lot of people who have nothing going for them look for others to live their lives. Just look at how people live through celebrities. Or the modern day equalevent: Twitch streamers. It's lame. But kind of a human thing.

It's very bad to live through someone else instead of yourself. I agree.
It may be a human thing, but humans have flaws to be corrected and fought against.

 

[autistic_tendencies]

Wow super legit post

 

[Asiangymmax]

 

[FoolYoungHi]

Looking at how my parents are they should never had children tbh. They just did it because it's "normal". Just like 80% of other people. Most people are not fit to have children. Especially in modern society keeping a lot of sick people alive. But biology often overcomes logic. And the offspring has to deal with the crappy genetics and health.

Reproduction is purely driven by hormones. It's not meant to make you happy or fulfilled. It's to reproduce. That's why a lot of people after puberty become "unhappy" because no longer is life about playing and discovery. As a child you are not influenced much by sex hormones yet and so you don't care about reproduction yet.

Your hormones will dictate whether you will be happy/fulfilled from that point on. Also plays into status for example. Higher status = more chance of reproduction = hormones = happy YAY. Humans are pathetic in that sense.

I saw massive changes in my friends (and myself) after puberty. E.g. one of my friend we used to be like brothers. After puberty he became self centered and stopped hanging out to hang out with chicks like we were never friends. We were friends for years. He put some hoe he only knew for 1 month above his best friend of years. That shit hurt lol.

Then after he got a wife and a child he now wants to hang out again after years of not hanging out. Makes me laugh kinda but also makes me bitter. It shows you how much sex hormones and the will to reproduce will make people sociopathic soulless creatures just to spread their genetics. I still feel resentment towards him for that, can't lie. No loyalty nothing. Obviously will not hang out with him anymore.

Also I've seen my friend group people in it backstab each other over chicks. Just garbage. I do wish to sometimes be like a child to not have to face the disgusting reality of human beings.

To go back to the topic here. Only people with good genetics will live a good life. Others will cope. Or they will be black pilled and give up pretty much.

 

[isis_Bleach]

im just glad my inferior dna lineage ends with me and i told my parents that