Blackpill/redpill are the truth but ruined my life. Does anyone else feel the same way? My story

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gymmaxxer1234

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Was bullied in middle school and high school, couldn't get a girlfriend or even a kiss... At the same time I saw my bullies or just "hot" guys effortlessly getting with my crushes. Even when I did manage to get some attention it always felt like the girls were below my standards and they didn't look at me the same way they did with others.

I couldn't explain at that time. I randomly started going to the gym, improved my looks a bit, and managed to get a gf or two in my uni years... Again, they were probably sub-5 or LTNs but because I was ignorant I felt happy and in love. However, they always lost attraction after a bit, refused sex, or just became distant. Couldn't explain why.

Then I stumbled onto the redpill. It was a major shock, but it did make sense. It challenged many of my world views and I sort of decided to believe in it and test it out. I used to be thoughtful and morally righteous, but I literally forced myself to become what at the time I considered a "monster" or "manipulator". I started seeing more results, but very inconsistenly. Again, success rate with sub-5 or LTNs was OKish, but any woman I considered "hot" or even "cute" felt impossible to get. In the rare occasions I managed to get lucky with a higher value woman, it never lasted at all.

That's when I discovered the blackpill. I read about the science, I saw the "scientific blackpill" page, and consumed many hours of videos and articles. It explained everything that felt inconsistent/wrong with the redpill. It was also extremely disheartening and it made me even more bitter, misogynistic, and upset with life. But I could finally explain why retarded and rude jocks in middle school / high school were considered attractive, or why I couldn't keep a cute girl around me for a long time.

I did what I could to improve my looks as much as possible. I also felt like this was the turning point where I truly lost my own personality. My personality was now completely dependent on who I was talking to, and on what my goals really were. I lost all my natural empathy and became this sort of morphing individual that tries to act in the way that is more likely to get results.

It worked decently for casual sex (again, no hot girls...), but this completely broke down in LTRs. I've had two multi-year LTRs with girls I considered "cute" (but were still max 5.5/10 or 6/10) where I did fall in love, and I completely ruined both of them because of my own insecurities and my understanding of my own value. After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.

My latest LTR left me in tears because of how many times I hurt her by not realizing her needs and wants, and just trying to optimize everything to be as valuable as possible. Ironic -- what drawn her to me in the first place eventually became what drove her away from me. I was so focused on "not appearing weak", "acting high value", "maximizing my own looks" that I forgot how to be an actual human being. When she actually broke up with me, the realization of that and the feeling of grief was so strong that I literally spent weeks in physical pain. I still think about her pretty much every day and a surge of pain fills my body when I do.

After her, I dated girls more casually. But no girl wanted to be FWB or casual with me, they all wanted a relationship or at least to think we were moving towards a relationship. Instead of being honest and open with them, I misled them into thinking I wanted a relationship. We spent weeks or even months doing couple-y things, so that I could have their companionship and sex. And every single time, I didn't feel like actually entering a relationship with these girls, because I felt like I was dating below my standards.

I felt like I had no choice. I either date below my standards and pretend to be into these girls to get sex and affection, or be alone. I went on so many dates where the outcome was obvious from the first 10 seconds:
- if she was fat/ugly, she would sleep with me on the first date with no resistance and I would ghost her afterwards;
- if she was LTN, anything could happen, but let's say 50% would be totally uninterested, 30% would kiss me then ghost, 20% would sleep with me on 1st or 2nd date;
- if she was above LTN, there was nothing I could do. I almost even never got a kiss. Some girls even refused to sit next to me, or recoiled when I tried touching them. At least two girls lied to my face saying "sorry, I thought Tinder was for friendships!" as if I were a total retard.

I dated a 5/10 girl that was extremely sweet, caring, and nice for about 3-4 months. She was really into me, treated me with respect and affection, and couldn't get enough of my dick. Honestly speaking, I truly enjoyed her company, even outside the bedroom. But I always had this constant thought in my mind that "I was settling" and that "I could do better". If I thought about being with only her the rest of my life, I felt like I was missing out. I also felt like that every day I was not actively using dating apps or going outside to meet girls, I could have been missing out on a girl that I found more attractive.

We never explicitly agreed to exclusivity or to being in a relationship, but it was clear that this girl expected exclusivity and wanted something serious for me. Despite that, I kept seeing and talking to girls behind her back. One night we would fuck and cuddle each other to sleep, and the next morning I would meet some other chick for a coffee. I knew the risks of getting caught, and I felt extremely guilty, but I literally forced myself to go through my guilt because I wanted to maximize my chances at meeting a hotter girl that made me feel as respected and as valued as the one I was dating.

Of course, two days ago, she caught me outside with another girl. She didn't even make a scene, she just looked emotionally destroyed and walked away. I continued my date with the other girl, but in the end she was uninterested as she was actually cute.

After that I went to see the girl I was dating for a few months. She was in tears and looked visibly really hurt. She told me that I was a piece of shit and that she wanted me out of my life. I didn't break down or anything, but I told her that despite what she might think now I truly enjoyed her company and the time spent together and that she knew that. I told her that I should have been honest with her and that I didn't because I was selfish and scared. She told me to get the fuck away from her, and I left her alone in tears. She blocked me on all social media.

I felt like complete shit after that. I've become someone that I am not proud of and that doesn't really deserve to be loved or to be happy. And yet I feel that I cannot change that anymore. I feel like that I've become this way because I've discovered the real truth of the world, and that if I want to maximize my own success and my own chances at sexual strategy, the other party needs to be hurt or manipulated. I either have to sacrifice my morals/ethics or my results.

And you know what? If I just was sligthly hotter, slightly taller, I wouldn't need to do any of this shit. Girls I find cute/attractive would not run away from me. I would be able to be more self-confident and content with who I am and with the girls I can get. I feel like I was forced to become a monster because of the way I am and look, and because of all the pain I've received and caused in the past. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being a shitty person.

The girl I was dating knew all of my friends, and I knew some of hers. While technically I never did lie to her, I did lie by omission and purposefully misled her. When the word gets out, my social circle will lose respect for me. If her friends see me outside, they'll likely want to fuck me up.

But I don't really care about that. I'm mostly sad because I know I hurt a girl that didn't deserve it at all. She was probably the sweetest and most decent human being I've met. She trusted me, opened herself up to me, and I emotionally destroyed her. She probably needs to go to therapy now and will not trust men ever again.

What was her fault? Just not being "hot enough". Not having a very cute face, not having enough curves for me to feel like I was dating someone that met my standards.

I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.

tl;dr: I'm a shit human being.
 
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Completely lifemogs me
 
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Was bullied in middle school and high school, couldn't get a girlfriend or even a kiss... At the same time I saw my bullies or just "hot" guys effortlessly getting with my crushes. Even when I did manage to get some attention it always felt like the girls were below my standards and they didn't look at me the same way they did with others.

I couldn't explain at that time. I randomly started going to the gym, improved my looks a bit, and managed to get a gf or two in my uni years... Again, they were probably sub-5 or LTNs but because I was ignorant I felt happy and in love. However, they always lost attraction after a bit, refused sex, or just became distant. Couldn't explain why.

Then I stumbled onto the redpill. It was a major shock, but it did make sense. It challenged many of my world views and I sort of decided to believe in it and test it out. I used to be thoughtful and morally righteous, but I literally forced myself to become what at the time I considered a "monster" or "manipulator". I started seeing more results, but very inconsistenly. Again, success rate with sub-5 or LTNs was OKish, but any woman I considered "hot" or even "cute" felt impossible to get. In the rare occasions I managed to get lucky with a higher value woman, it never lasted at all.

That's when I discovered the blackpill. I read about the science, I saw the "scientific blackpill" page, and consumed many hours of videos and articles. It explained everything that felt inconsistent/wrong with the redpill. It was also extremely disheartening and it made me even more bitter, misogynistic, and upset with life. But I could finally explain why retarded and rude jocks in middle school / high school were considered attractive, or why I couldn't keep a cute girl around me for a long time.

I did what I could to improve my looks as much as possible. I also felt like this was the turning point where I truly lost my own personality. My personality was now completely dependent on who I was talking to, and on what my goals really were. I lost all my natural empathy and became this sort of morphing individual that tries to act in the way that is more likely to get results.

It worked decently for casual sex (again, no hot girls...), but this completely broke down in LTRs. I've had two multi-year LTRs with girls I considered "cute" (but were still max 5.5/10 or 6/10) where I did fall in love, and I completely ruined both of them because of my own insecurities and my understanding of my own value. After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.

My latest LTR left me in tears because of how many times I hurt her by not realizing her needs and wants, and just trying to optimize everything to be as valuable as possible. Ironic -- what drawn her to me in the first place eventually became what drove her away from me. I was so focused on "not appearing weak", "acting high value", "maximizing my own looks" that I forgot how to be an actual human being. When she actually broke up with me, the realization of that and the feeling of grief was so strong that I literally spent weeks in physical pain. I still think about her pretty much every day and a surge of pain fills my body when I do.

After her, I dated girls more casually. But no girl wanted to be FWB or casual with me, they all wanted a relationship or at least to think we were moving towards a relationship. Instead of being honest and open with them, I misled them into thinking I wanted a relationship. We spent weeks or even months doing couple-y things, so that I could have their companionship and sex. And every single time, I didn't feel like actually entering a relationship with these girls, because I felt like I was dating below my standards.

I felt like I had no choice. I either date below my standards and pretend to be into these girls to get sex and affection, or be alone. I went on so many dates where the outcome was obvious from the first 10 seconds:
- if she was fat/ugly, she would sleep with me on the first date with no resistance and I would ghost her afterwards;
- if she was LTN, anything could happen, but let's say 50% would be totally uninterested, 30% would kiss me then ghost, 20% would sleep with me on 1st or 2nd date;
- if she was above LTN, there was nothing I could do. I almost even never got a kiss. Some girls even refused to sit next to me, or recoiled when I tried touching them. At least two girls lied to my face saying "sorry, I thought Tinder was for friendships!" as if I were a total retard.

I dated a 5/10 girl that was extremely sweet, caring, and nice for about 3-4 months. She was really into me, treated me with respect and affection, and couldn't get enough of my dick. Honestly speaking, I truly enjoyed her company, even outside the bedroom. But I always had this constant thought in my mind that "I was settling" and that "I could do better". If I thought about being with only her the rest of my life, I felt like I was missing out. I also felt like that every day I was not actively using dating apps or going outside to meet girls, I could have been missing out on a girl that I found more attractive.

We never explicitly agreed to exclusivity or to being in a relationship, but it was clear that this girl expected exclusivity and wanted something serious for me. Despite that, I kept seeing and talking to girls behind her back. One night we would fuck and cuddle each other to sleep, and the next morning I would meet some other chick for a coffee. I knew the risks of getting caught, and I felt extremely guilty, but I literally forced myself to go through my guilt because I wanted to maximize my chances at meeting a hotter girl that made me feel as respected and as valued as the one I was dating.

Of course, two days ago, she caught me outside with another girl. She didn't even make a scene, she just looked emotionally destroyed and walked away. I continued my date with the other girl, but in the end she was uninterested as she was actually cute.

After that I went to see the girl I was dating for a few months. She was in tears and looked visibly really hurt. She told me that I was a piece of shit and that she wanted me out of my life. I didn't break down or anything, but I told her that despite what she might think now I truly enjoyed her company and the time spent together and that she knew that. I told her that I should have been honest with her and that I didn't because I was selfish and scared. She told me to get the fuck away from her, and I left her alone in tears. She blocked me on all social media.

I felt like complete shit after that. I've become someone that I am not proud of and that doesn't really deserve to be loved or to be happy. And yet I feel that I cannot change that anymore. I feel like that I've become this way because I've discovered the real truth of the world, and that if I want to maximize my own success and my own chances at sexual strategy, the other party needs to be hurt or manipulated. I either have to sacrifice my morals/ethics or my results.

And you know what? If I just was sligthly hotter, slightly taller, I wouldn't need to do any of this shit. Girls I find cute/attractive would not run away from me. I would be able to be more self-confident and content with who I am and with the girls I can get. I feel like I was forced to become a monster because of the way I am and look, and because of all the pain I've received and caused in the past. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being a shitty person.

The girl I was dating knew all of my friends, and I knew some of hers. While technically I never did lie to her, I did lie by omission and purposefully misled her. When the word gets out, my social circle will lose respect for me. If her friends see me outside, they'll likely want to fuck me up.

But I don't really care about that. I'm mostly sad because I know I hurt a girl that didn't deserve it at all. She was probably the sweetest and most decent human being I've met. She trusted me, opened herself up to me, and I emotionally destroyed her. She probably needs to go to therapy now and will not trust men ever again.

What was her fault? Just not being "hot enough". Not having a very cute face, not having enough curves for me to feel like I was dating someone that met my standards.

I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.

tl;dr: I'm a shit human being.
You blackpilled yourself, acted like hoes do and ended up with the same results. But some girls don't feel remorse, they break up with her boyfriend and in the next week have another one (pre orbiter) cuz women always have options. If she was a good girl why would you go out to "search for a better one"? If you needed a hot girl you could have fucked an scort.
 
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This is extremely relatable. How old are you, and are you going to try and surgery your way out of it?

The element of being able to predict the outcome of any date within 10 seconds is a brutal but true black pill and I’ve noticed this myself.
 
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Completely lifemogs me
This nigga is a chad.

@gymmaxxer1234 how old are you?

You sexual-experience mog like 90% of men, insane.
 
This nigga is a chad.

@gymmaxxer1234 how old are you?

You sexual-experience mog like 90% of men, insane.
So? Even if that was the case, I'm unhappy as fuck.

I thought that chasing quantity and variety would make me happy. All it did was give me short surges of dopamine and permanently fucked up my pair bonding and my morals/ethics.

I'm no better than most foids
 
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. If she was a good girl why would you go out to "search for a better one"? If you needed a hot girl you could have fucked an scort.
Because "good" isn't satisfactory to me anymore. I don't think nowadays I would be able to be happy if I feel like I'm settling.

Every time I looked at her or slept with her I couldn't help but notice her failos and wishing she looked a bit better. It's ingrained in me now, I just feel that way.
 
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After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.
Over for bad neurochemistry :(
 
Because "good" isn't satisfactory to me anymore. I don't think nowadays I would be able to be happy if I feel like I'm settling.

Every time I looked at her or slept with her I couldn't help but notice her failos and wishing she looked a bit better. It's ingrained in me now, I just feel that way.
The fucked up part, as you stated in your story, is that you wouldn't have had to go through any of this if you were attractive enough to pull the girls you wanted. If that girl were a little higher on the looks scale, you wouldn't have felt the need to date other girls. I'm at that point too where I think I should settle for the next sub5-LTB who expresses interest in me. The problem with these pills is that they taunt us by showing what others have accomplished, so when we inevitably fall short, we always strive for me instead of being content.
 
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And I still feel like a massive failure. Make of it what you will.
What have you done to improve your looks though? Would you say you maxed out your stats and that the only thing holding you back is genetics, like a massive failo?
 
This is extremely relatable. How old are you, and are you going to try and surgery your way out of it?

The element of being able to predict the outcome of any date within 10 seconds is a brutal but true black pill and I’ve noticed this myself.
And they say leagues don't exist. They 100% do. I imagine that the problem a lot of us have here is that we're not happy with the league we find ourselves in. And I imagine that's the debate between blackpillers and redpillers, if it is possible to move leagues or not.
 
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How old are you, and are you going to try and surgery your way out of it?
31. Want to try some fillers/botox first, and considering some oculoplasty.
I'm very risk-averse and any invasive procedure scares me a lot.

One of my biggest failios is height but there's no way I am doing LL. That shit's fucked
 
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The fucked up part, as you stated in your story, is that you wouldn't have had to go through any of this if you were attractive enough to pull the girls you wanted. If that girl were a little higher on the looks scale, you wouldn't have felt the need to date other girls.
Completely nailed it.


I'm at that point too where I think I should settle for the next sub5-LTB who expresses interest in me. The problem with these pills is that they taunt us by showing what others have accomplished, so when we inevitably fall short, we always strive for me instead of being content.
But would you be truly happy? When you are outside with her, and you see other couples where the girl is much more attractive, and the man is sometimes on par with your looks level?

When you are with her and see her naked, you would never think "damn she's so hot". You'd be like "she's fuckable", but you'd be exclusive to her so you'd never even get a chance to sleep with someone hotter unless you cheat (like I did, and failed miserably).

I think that "settling" is a recipe for disaster and unhappiness TBH.
 
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But would you be truly happy? When you are outside with her, and you see other couples where the girl is much more attractive, and the man is sometimes on par with your looks level?

When you are with her and see her naked, you would never think "damn she's so hot". You'd be like "she's fuckable", but you'd be exclusive to her so you'd never even get a chance to sleep with someone hotter unless you cheat (like I did, and failed miserably).

I think that "settling" is a recipe for disaster and unhappiness TBH.
I completely agree, but the sad reality is that we are relegated to feeling this way. We will never experience what it's like to wake up next to someone and feel completely satisfied. We will never feel what it's like to be able to show off our gf and to have them show us off. Resigning ourselves to that may be a difficult pill to swallow now, but it might pay dividends towards our happiness in the future. After all, nobody's partner looks exceptional when we turn 40. Perhaps we invest in that future and close our eyes in our 20s/30s when everyone else is having the time of their lives and we're stuck with the sub5/LTBs.
 
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Was bullied in middle school and high school, couldn't get a girlfriend or even a kiss... At the same time I saw my bullies or just "hot" guys effortlessly getting with my crushes. Even when I did manage to get some attention it always felt like the girls were below my standards and they didn't look at me the same way they did with others.

I couldn't explain at that time. I randomly started going to the gym, improved my looks a bit, and managed to get a gf or two in my uni years... Again, they were probably sub-5 or LTNs but because I was ignorant I felt happy and in love. However, they always lost attraction after a bit, refused sex, or just became distant. Couldn't explain why.

Then I stumbled onto the redpill. It was a major shock, but it did make sense. It challenged many of my world views and I sort of decided to believe in it and test it out. I used to be thoughtful and morally righteous, but I literally forced myself to become what at the time I considered a "monster" or "manipulator". I started seeing more results, but very inconsistenly. Again, success rate with sub-5 or LTNs was OKish, but any woman I considered "hot" or even "cute" felt impossible to get. In the rare occasions I managed to get lucky with a higher value woman, it never lasted at all.

That's when I discovered the blackpill. I read about the science, I saw the "scientific blackpill" page, and consumed many hours of videos and articles. It explained everything that felt inconsistent/wrong with the redpill. It was also extremely disheartening and it made me even more bitter, misogynistic, and upset with life. But I could finally explain why retarded and rude jocks in middle school / high school were considered attractive, or why I couldn't keep a cute girl around me for a long time.

I did what I could to improve my looks as much as possible. I also felt like this was the turning point where I truly lost my own personality. My personality was now completely dependent on who I was talking to, and on what my goals really were. I lost all my natural empathy and became this sort of morphing individual that tries to act in the way that is more likely to get results.

It worked decently for casual sex (again, no hot girls...), but this completely broke down in LTRs. I've had two multi-year LTRs with girls I considered "cute" (but were still max 5.5/10 or 6/10) where I did fall in love, and I completely ruined both of them because of my own insecurities and my understanding of my own value. After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.

My latest LTR left me in tears because of how many times I hurt her by not realizing her needs and wants, and just trying to optimize everything to be as valuable as possible. Ironic -- what drawn her to me in the first place eventually became what drove her away from me. I was so focused on "not appearing weak", "acting high value", "maximizing my own looks" that I forgot how to be an actual human being. When she actually broke up with me, the realization of that and the feeling of grief was so strong that I literally spent weeks in physical pain. I still think about her pretty much every day and a surge of pain fills my body when I do.

After her, I dated girls more casually. But no girl wanted to be FWB or casual with me, they all wanted a relationship or at least to think we were moving towards a relationship. Instead of being honest and open with them, I misled them into thinking I wanted a relationship. We spent weeks or even months doing couple-y things, so that I could have their companionship and sex. And every single time, I didn't feel like actually entering a relationship with these girls, because I felt like I was dating below my standards.

I felt like I had no choice. I either date below my standards and pretend to be into these girls to get sex and affection, or be alone. I went on so many dates where the outcome was obvious from the first 10 seconds:
- if she was fat/ugly, she would sleep with me on the first date with no resistance and I would ghost her afterwards;
- if she was LTN, anything could happen, but let's say 50% would be totally uninterested, 30% would kiss me then ghost, 20% would sleep with me on 1st or 2nd date;
- if she was above LTN, there was nothing I could do. I almost even never got a kiss. Some girls even refused to sit next to me, or recoiled when I tried touching them. At least two girls lied to my face saying "sorry, I thought Tinder was for friendships!" as if I were a total retard.

I dated a 5/10 girl that was extremely sweet, caring, and nice for about 3-4 months. She was really into me, treated me with respect and affection, and couldn't get enough of my dick. Honestly speaking, I truly enjoyed her company, even outside the bedroom. But I always had this constant thought in my mind that "I was settling" and that "I could do better". If I thought about being with only her the rest of my life, I felt like I was missing out. I also felt like that every day I was not actively using dating apps or going outside to meet girls, I could have been missing out on a girl that I found more attractive.

We never explicitly agreed to exclusivity or to being in a relationship, but it was clear that this girl expected exclusivity and wanted something serious for me. Despite that, I kept seeing and talking to girls behind her back. One night we would fuck and cuddle each other to sleep, and the next morning I would meet some other chick for a coffee. I knew the risks of getting caught, and I felt extremely guilty, but I literally forced myself to go through my guilt because I wanted to maximize my chances at meeting a hotter girl that made me feel as respected and as valued as the one I was dating.

Of course, two days ago, she caught me outside with another girl. She didn't even make a scene, she just looked emotionally destroyed and walked away. I continued my date with the other girl, but in the end she was uninterested as she was actually cute.

After that I went to see the girl I was dating for a few months. She was in tears and looked visibly really hurt. She told me that I was a piece of shit and that she wanted me out of my life. I didn't break down or anything, but I told her that despite what she might think now I truly enjoyed her company and the time spent together and that she knew that. I told her that I should have been honest with her and that I didn't because I was selfish and scared. She told me to get the fuck away from her, and I left her alone in tears. She blocked me on all social media.

I felt like complete shit after that. I've become someone that I am not proud of and that doesn't really deserve to be loved or to be happy. And yet I feel that I cannot change that anymore. I feel like that I've become this way because I've discovered the real truth of the world, and that if I want to maximize my own success and my own chances at sexual strategy, the other party needs to be hurt or manipulated. I either have to sacrifice my morals/ethics or my results.

And you know what? If I just was sligthly hotter, slightly taller, I wouldn't need to do any of this shit. Girls I find cute/attractive would not run away from me. I would be able to be more self-confident and content with who I am and with the girls I can get. I feel like I was forced to become a monster because of the way I am and look, and because of all the pain I've received and caused in the past. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being a shitty person.

The girl I was dating knew all of my friends, and I knew some of hers. While technically I never did lie to her, I did lie by omission and purposefully misled her. When the word gets out, my social circle will lose respect for me. If her friends see me outside, they'll likely want to fuck me up.

But I don't really care about that. I'm mostly sad because I know I hurt a girl that didn't deserve it at all. She was probably the sweetest and most decent human being I've met. She trusted me, opened herself up to me, and I emotionally destroyed her. She probably needs to go to therapy now and will not trust men ever again.

What was her fault? Just not being "hot enough". Not having a very cute face, not having enough curves for me to feel like I was dating someone that met my standards.

I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.

tl;dr: I'm a shit human being.
classic ~BP tale
all that shit and still couldnt get a MTB
that shit about "muh feel bad for hurting her" is gay asf bruh these foids deserve pain
but mogger story tbh I wanna imitate this
 
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I did what I could to improve my looks as much as possible. I also felt like this was the turning point where I truly lost my own personality. My personality was now completely dependent on who I was talking to, and on what my goals really were. I lost all my natural empathy and became this sort of morphing individual that tries to act in the way that is more likely to get results.
thats one of the most brutal parts about the blackpill, once you find out the truth you lose all form of self identity, any that you had left. everything becomes an act, a constant mask you put on to get something out of another person. everyday I feel my old self slipping away, into a blank canvas, just dependent on who Im talking to to get what I want.
but if Im being honest, I like it better this way. I'd rather know than be ignorant, and use it to my advantage. Foids do the same all the time, why shouldnt I?
"If I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice!" - Joker
 
  • +1
Reactions: Detective, 97baHater, newestofnewgen and 2 others
And you know what? If I just was sligthly hotter, slightly taller, I wouldn't need to do any of this shit. Girls I find cute/attractive would not run away from me. I would be able to be more self-confident and content with who I am and with the girls I can get. I feel like I was forced to become a monster because of the way I am and look, and because of all the pain I've received and caused in the past. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being a shitty person.

I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.
we must become monsters in order to get what we want because of the way this world is. To reach the deepest parts of our soul and become those things we once despised is the only way to achieve, and become greater than we once were
over for geniuenecels
 
  • JFL
Reactions: fxckz
You blackpilled yourself, acted like hoes do and ended up with the same results. But some girls don't feel remorse, they break up with her boyfriend and in the next week have another one (pre orbiter) cuz women always have options. If she was a good girl why would you go out to "search for a better one"? If you needed a hot girl you could have fucked an scort.
no one "black pills themselves"
you dont choose the blackpill, the blackpill, chooses YOU
anyone whos BP were ALWAYS MEANT TO BECOME BP
thats why most people are not, its just not in them
they might stumble upon it but reject it and it is the same principle here
you can't blackpill yourself its not that simple
 
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classic ~BP tale
all that shit and still couldnt get a MTB
that shit about "muh feel bad for hurting her" is gay asf bruh these foids deserve pain
but mogger story tbh I wanna imitate this
This is exactly what I'm afraid of. What if after my bimax and body ascension I'm relegated to pulling MTBs at best because of my base? What happens after I fix everything (and I'm coming pretty close) and I still don't receive the chadlite/chad treatment? I'm okay with having had to work harder than someone else to get the same treatment, but if I still fall short and get mogged? That's the purest ropefuel there is. I'm honestly going to kill myself if that's what ends up happening.

And then you go on Reddit and see people accusing others of not having "good/friendly vibes" or seeming "too desperate/whiny" even though you've seen complete assholes absolutely kill it in the dating scene. It's absolutely infuriating to see people there believe that being a 5'2 balding Indian janitor is not a disadvantage compared to the 6'+ white chad and that muh personality can put us all at equal footing, when I have seen with my own eyes that that's not how it works.

This is not a mogger story, it's a story of defeat. He was ultimately never able to pull someone who he deemed attractive and was forced to settle for someone who is trash, all because of how he was born. His problem is that he knows what he is missing out on, but is destined to only watch from the sidelines. I can only hope that he is not actually looksmaxxed like he claims he is and he actually has a ways to go. If he truly is looksmaxxed like he says it is, then it's over. It never began.
 
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  • So Sad
Reactions: itsherlossNVM, fogdart, Detective and 5 others
Was bullied in middle school and high school, couldn't get a girlfriend or even a kiss... At the same time I saw my bullies or just "hot" guys effortlessly getting with my crushes. Even when I did manage to get some attention it always felt like the girls were below my standards and they didn't look at me the same way they did with others.

I couldn't explain at that time. I randomly started going to the gym, improved my looks a bit, and managed to get a gf or two in my uni years... Again, they were probably sub-5 or LTNs but because I was ignorant I felt happy and in love. However, they always lost attraction after a bit, refused sex, or just became distant. Couldn't explain why.

Then I stumbled onto the redpill. It was a major shock, but it did make sense. It challenged many of my world views and I sort of decided to believe in it and test it out. I used to be thoughtful and morally righteous, but I literally forced myself to become what at the time I considered a "monster" or "manipulator". I started seeing more results, but very inconsistenly. Again, success rate with sub-5 or LTNs was OKish, but any woman I considered "hot" or even "cute" felt impossible to get. In the rare occasions I managed to get lucky with a higher value woman, it never lasted at all.

That's when I discovered the blackpill. I read about the science, I saw the "scientific blackpill" page, and consumed many hours of videos and articles. It explained everything that felt inconsistent/wrong with the redpill. It was also extremely disheartening and it made me even more bitter, misogynistic, and upset with life. But I could finally explain why retarded and rude jocks in middle school / high school were considered attractive, or why I couldn't keep a cute girl around me for a long time.

I did what I could to improve my looks as much as possible. I also felt like this was the turning point where I truly lost my own personality. My personality was now completely dependent on who I was talking to, and on what my goals really were. I lost all my natural empathy and became this sort of morphing individual that tries to act in the way that is more likely to get results.

It worked decently for casual sex (again, no hot girls...), but this completely broke down in LTRs. I've had two multi-year LTRs with girls I considered "cute" (but were still max 5.5/10 or 6/10) where I did fall in love, and I completely ruined both of them because of my own insecurities and my understanding of my own value. After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.

My latest LTR left me in tears because of how many times I hurt her by not realizing her needs and wants, and just trying to optimize everything to be as valuable as possible. Ironic -- what drawn her to me in the first place eventually became what drove her away from me. I was so focused on "not appearing weak", "acting high value", "maximizing my own looks" that I forgot how to be an actual human being. When she actually broke up with me, the realization of that and the feeling of grief was so strong that I literally spent weeks in physical pain. I still think about her pretty much every day and a surge of pain fills my body when I do.

After her, I dated girls more casually. But no girl wanted to be FWB or casual with me, they all wanted a relationship or at least to think we were moving towards a relationship. Instead of being honest and open with them, I misled them into thinking I wanted a relationship. We spent weeks or even months doing couple-y things, so that I could have their companionship and sex. And every single time, I didn't feel like actually entering a relationship with these girls, because I felt like I was dating below my standards.

I felt like I had no choice. I either date below my standards and pretend to be into these girls to get sex and affection, or be alone. I went on so many dates where the outcome was obvious from the first 10 seconds:
- if she was fat/ugly, she would sleep with me on the first date with no resistance and I would ghost her afterwards;
- if she was LTN, anything could happen, but let's say 50% would be totally uninterested, 30% would kiss me then ghost, 20% would sleep with me on 1st or 2nd date;
- if she was above LTN, there was nothing I could do. I almost even never got a kiss. Some girls even refused to sit next to me, or recoiled when I tried touching them. At least two girls lied to my face saying "sorry, I thought Tinder was for friendships!" as if I were a total retard.

I dated a 5/10 girl that was extremely sweet, caring, and nice for about 3-4 months. She was really into me, treated me with respect and affection, and couldn't get enough of my dick. Honestly speaking, I truly enjoyed her company, even outside the bedroom. But I always had this constant thought in my mind that "I was settling" and that "I could do better". If I thought about being with only her the rest of my life, I felt like I was missing out. I also felt like that every day I was not actively using dating apps or going outside to meet girls, I could have been missing out on a girl that I found more attractive.

We never explicitly agreed to exclusivity or to being in a relationship, but it was clear that this girl expected exclusivity and wanted something serious for me. Despite that, I kept seeing and talking to girls behind her back. One night we would fuck and cuddle each other to sleep, and the next morning I would meet some other chick for a coffee. I knew the risks of getting caught, and I felt extremely guilty, but I literally forced myself to go through my guilt because I wanted to maximize my chances at meeting a hotter girl that made me feel as respected and as valued as the one I was dating.

Of course, two days ago, she caught me outside with another girl. She didn't even make a scene, she just looked emotionally destroyed and walked away. I continued my date with the other girl, but in the end she was uninterested as she was actually cute.

After that I went to see the girl I was dating for a few months. She was in tears and looked visibly really hurt. She told me that I was a piece of shit and that she wanted me out of my life. I didn't break down or anything, but I told her that despite what she might think now I truly enjoyed her company and the time spent together and that she knew that. I told her that I should have been honest with her and that I didn't because I was selfish and scared. She told me to get the fuck away from her, and I left her alone in tears. She blocked me on all social media.

I felt like complete shit after that. I've become someone that I am not proud of and that doesn't really deserve to be loved or to be happy. And yet I feel that I cannot change that anymore. I feel like that I've become this way because I've discovered the real truth of the world, and that if I want to maximize my own success and my own chances at sexual strategy, the other party needs to be hurt or manipulated. I either have to sacrifice my morals/ethics or my results.

And you know what? If I just was sligthly hotter, slightly taller, I wouldn't need to do any of this shit. Girls I find cute/attractive would not run away from me. I would be able to be more self-confident and content with who I am and with the girls I can get. I feel like I was forced to become a monster because of the way I am and look, and because of all the pain I've received and caused in the past. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being a shitty person.

The girl I was dating knew all of my friends, and I knew some of hers. While technically I never did lie to her, I did lie by omission and purposefully misled her. When the word gets out, my social circle will lose respect for me. If her friends see me outside, they'll likely want to fuck me up.

But I don't really care about that. I'm mostly sad because I know I hurt a girl that didn't deserve it at all. She was probably the sweetest and most decent human being I've met. She trusted me, opened herself up to me, and I emotionally destroyed her. She probably needs to go to therapy now and will not trust men ever again.

What was her fault? Just not being "hot enough". Not having a very cute face, not having enough curves for me to feel like I was dating someone that met my standards.

I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.

tl;dr: I'm a shit human being.
Post pictures, both of you and the girlfriends/slays
 
31. Want to try some fillers/botox first, and considering some oculoplasty.
I'm very risk-averse and any invasive procedure scares me a lot.

One of my biggest failios is height but there's no way I am doing LL. That shit's fucked
how tall are you?
 
classic ~BP tale
all that shit and still couldnt get a MTB
that shit about "muh feel bad for hurting her" is gay asf bruh these foids deserve pain
but mogger story tbh I wanna imitate this
his text has to be copy and paste no fkijg way he typed that
 
Was bullied in middle school and high school, couldn't get a girlfriend or even a kiss... At the same time I saw my bullies or just "hot" guys effortlessly getting with my crushes. Even when I did manage to get some attention it always felt like the girls were below my standards and they didn't look at me the same way they did with others.

I couldn't explain at that time. I randomly started going to the gym, improved my looks a bit, and managed to get a gf or two in my uni years... Again, they were probably sub-5 or LTNs but because I was ignorant I felt happy and in love. However, they always lost attraction after a bit, refused sex, or just became distant. Couldn't explain why.

Then I stumbled onto the redpill. It was a major shock, but it did make sense. It challenged many of my world views and I sort of decided to believe in it and test it out. I used to be thoughtful and morally righteous, but I literally forced myself to become what at the time I considered a "monster" or "manipulator". I started seeing more results, but very inconsistenly. Again, success rate with sub-5 or LTNs was OKish, but any woman I considered "hot" or even "cute" felt impossible to get. In the rare occasions I managed to get lucky with a higher value woman, it never lasted at all.

That's when I discovered the blackpill. I read about the science, I saw the "scientific blackpill" page, and consumed many hours of videos and articles. It explained everything that felt inconsistent/wrong with the redpill. It was also extremely disheartening and it made me even more bitter, misogynistic, and upset with life. But I could finally explain why retarded and rude jocks in middle school / high school were considered attractive, or why I couldn't keep a cute girl around me for a long time.

I did what I could to improve my looks as much as possible. I also felt like this was the turning point where I truly lost my own personality. My personality was now completely dependent on who I was talking to, and on what my goals really were. I lost all my natural empathy and became this sort of morphing individual that tries to act in the way that is more likely to get results.

It worked decently for casual sex (again, no hot girls...), but this completely broke down in LTRs. I've had two multi-year LTRs with girls I considered "cute" (but were still max 5.5/10 or 6/10) where I did fall in love, and I completely ruined both of them because of my own insecurities and my understanding of my own value. After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.

My latest LTR left me in tears because of how many times I hurt her by not realizing her needs and wants, and just trying to optimize everything to be as valuable as possible. Ironic -- what drawn her to me in the first place eventually became what drove her away from me. I was so focused on "not appearing weak", "acting high value", "maximizing my own looks" that I forgot how to be an actual human being. When she actually broke up with me, the realization of that and the feeling of grief was so strong that I literally spent weeks in physical pain. I still think about her pretty much every day and a surge of pain fills my body when I do.

After her, I dated girls more casually. But no girl wanted to be FWB or casual with me, they all wanted a relationship or at least to think we were moving towards a relationship. Instead of being honest and open with them, I misled them into thinking I wanted a relationship. We spent weeks or even months doing couple-y things, so that I could have their companionship and sex. And every single time, I didn't feel like actually entering a relationship with these girls, because I felt like I was dating below my standards.

I felt like I had no choice. I either date below my standards and pretend to be into these girls to get sex and affection, or be alone. I went on so many dates where the outcome was obvious from the first 10 seconds:
- if she was fat/ugly, she would sleep with me on the first date with no resistance and I would ghost her afterwards;
- if she was LTN, anything could happen, but let's say 50% would be totally uninterested, 30% would kiss me then ghost, 20% would sleep with me on 1st or 2nd date;
- if she was above LTN, there was nothing I could do. I almost even never got a kiss. Some girls even refused to sit next to me, or recoiled when I tried touching them. At least two girls lied to my face saying "sorry, I thought Tinder was for friendships!" as if I were a total retard.

I dated a 5/10 girl that was extremely sweet, caring, and nice for about 3-4 months. She was really into me, treated me with respect and affection, and couldn't get enough of my dick. Honestly speaking, I truly enjoyed her company, even outside the bedroom. But I always had this constant thought in my mind that "I was settling" and that "I could do better". If I thought about being with only her the rest of my life, I felt like I was missing out. I also felt like that every day I was not actively using dating apps or going outside to meet girls, I could have been missing out on a girl that I found more attractive.

We never explicitly agreed to exclusivity or to being in a relationship, but it was clear that this girl expected exclusivity and wanted something serious for me. Despite that, I kept seeing and talking to girls behind her back. One night we would fuck and cuddle each other to sleep, and the next morning I would meet some other chick for a coffee. I knew the risks of getting caught, and I felt extremely guilty, but I literally forced myself to go through my guilt because I wanted to maximize my chances at meeting a hotter girl that made me feel as respected and as valued as the one I was dating.

Of course, two days ago, she caught me outside with another girl. She didn't even make a scene, she just looked emotionally destroyed and walked away. I continued my date with the other girl, but in the end she was uninterested as she was actually cute.

After that I went to see the girl I was dating for a few months. She was in tears and looked visibly really hurt. She told me that I was a piece of shit and that she wanted me out of my life. I didn't break down or anything, but I told her that despite what she might think now I truly enjoyed her company and the time spent together and that she knew that. I told her that I should have been honest with her and that I didn't because I was selfish and scared. She told me to get the fuck away from her, and I left her alone in tears. She blocked me on all social media.

I felt like complete shit after that. I've become someone that I am not proud of and that doesn't really deserve to be loved or to be happy. And yet I feel that I cannot change that anymore. I feel like that I've become this way because I've discovered the real truth of the world, and that if I want to maximize my own success and my own chances at sexual strategy, the other party needs to be hurt or manipulated. I either have to sacrifice my morals/ethics or my results.

And you know what? If I just was sligthly hotter, slightly taller, I wouldn't need to do any of this shit. Girls I find cute/attractive would not run away from me. I would be able to be more self-confident and content with who I am and with the girls I can get. I feel like I was forced to become a monster because of the way I am and look, and because of all the pain I've received and caused in the past. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being a shitty person.

The girl I was dating knew all of my friends, and I knew some of hers. While technically I never did lie to her, I did lie by omission and purposefully misled her. When the word gets out, my social circle will lose respect for me. If her friends see me outside, they'll likely want to fuck me up.

But I don't really care about that. I'm mostly sad because I know I hurt a girl that didn't deserve it at all. She was probably the sweetest and most decent human being I've met. She trusted me, opened herself up to me, and I emotionally destroyed her. She probably needs to go to therapy now and will not trust men ever again.

What was her fault? Just not being "hot enough". Not having a very cute face, not having enough curves for me to feel like I was dating someone that met my standards.

I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.

tl;dr: I'm a shit human being.

Was bullied in middle school and high school, couldn't get a girlfriend or even a kiss... At the same time I saw my bullies or just "hot" guys effortlessly getting with my crushes. Even when I did manage to get some attention it always felt like the girls were below my standards and they didn't look at me the same way they did with others.

I couldn't explain at that time. I randomly started going to the gym, improved my looks a bit, and managed to get a gf or two in my uni years... Again, they were probably sub-5 or LTNs but because I was ignorant I felt happy and in love. However, they always lost attraction after a bit, refused sex, or just became distant. Couldn't explain why.

Then I stumbled onto the redpill. It was a major shock, but it did make sense. It challenged many of my world views and I sort of decided to believe in it and test it out. I used to be thoughtful and morally righteous, but I literally forced myself to become what at the time I considered a "monster" or "manipulator". I started seeing more results, but very inconsistenly. Again, success rate with sub-5 or LTNs was OKish, but any woman I considered "hot" or even "cute" felt impossible to get. In the rare occasions I managed to get lucky with a higher value woman, it never lasted at all.

That's when I discovered the blackpill. I read about the science, I saw the "scientific blackpill" page, and consumed many hours of videos and articles. It explained everything that felt inconsistent/wrong with the redpill. It was also extremely disheartening and it made me even more bitter, misogynistic, and upset with life. But I could finally explain why retarded and rude jocks in middle school / high school were considered attractive, or why I couldn't keep a cute girl around me for a long time.

I did what I could to improve my looks as much as possible. I also felt like this was the turning point where I truly lost my own personality. My personality was now completely dependent on who I was talking to, and on what my goals really were. I lost all my natural empathy and became this sort of morphing individual that tries to act in the way that is more likely to get results.

It worked decently for casual sex (again, no hot girls...), but this completely broke down in LTRs. I've had two multi-year LTRs with girls I considered "cute" (but were still max 5.5/10 or 6/10) where I did fall in love, and I completely ruined both of them because of my own insecurities and my understanding of my own value. After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.

My latest LTR left me in tears because of how many times I hurt her by not realizing her needs and wants, and just trying to optimize everything to be as valuable as possible. Ironic -- what drawn her to me in the first place eventually became what drove her away from me. I was so focused on "not appearing weak", "acting high value", "maximizing my own looks" that I forgot how to be an actual human being. When she actually broke up with me, the realization of that and the feeling of grief was so strong that I literally spent weeks in physical pain. I still think about her pretty much every day and a surge of pain fills my body when I do.

After her, I dated girls more casually. But no girl wanted to be FWB or casual with me, they all wanted a relationship or at least to think we were moving towards a relationship. Instead of being honest and open with them, I misled them into thinking I wanted a relationship. We spent weeks or even months doing couple-y things, so that I could have their companionship and sex. And every single time, I didn't feel like actually entering a relationship with these girls, because I felt like I was dating below my standards.

I felt like I had no choice. I either date below my standards and pretend to be into these girls to get sex and affection, or be alone. I went on so many dates where the outcome was obvious from the first 10 seconds:
- if she was fat/ugly, she would sleep with me on the first date with no resistance and I would ghost her afterwards;
- if she was LTN, anything could happen, but let's say 50% would be totally uninterested, 30% would kiss me then ghost, 20% would sleep with me on 1st or 2nd date;
- if she was above LTN, there was nothing I could do. I almost even never got a kiss. Some girls even refused to sit next to me, or recoiled when I tried touching them. At least two girls lied to my face saying "sorry, I thought Tinder was for friendships!" as if I were a total retard.

I dated a 5/10 girl that was extremely sweet, caring, and nice for about 3-4 months. She was really into me, treated me with respect and affection, and couldn't get enough of my dick. Honestly speaking, I truly enjoyed her company, even outside the bedroom. But I always had this constant thought in my mind that "I was settling" and that "I could do better". If I thought about being with only her the rest of my life, I felt like I was missing out. I also felt like that every day I was not actively using dating apps or going outside to meet girls, I could have been missing out on a girl that I found more attractive.

We never explicitly agreed to exclusivity or to being in a relationship, but it was clear that this girl expected exclusivity and wanted something serious for me. Despite that, I kept seeing and talking to girls behind her back. One night we would fuck and cuddle each other to sleep, and the next morning I would meet some other chick for a coffee. I knew the risks of getting caught, and I felt extremely guilty, but I literally forced myself to go through my guilt because I wanted to maximize my chances at meeting a hotter girl that made me feel as respected and as valued as the one I was dating.

Of course, two days ago, she caught me outside with another girl. She didn't even make a scene, she just looked emotionally destroyed and walked away. I continued my date with the other girl, but in the end she was uninterested as she was actually cute.

After that I went to see the girl I was dating for a few months. She was in tears and looked visibly really hurt. She told me that I was a piece of shit and that she wanted me out of my life. I didn't break down or anything, but I told her that despite what she might think now I truly enjoyed her company and the time spent together and that she knew that. I told her that I should have been honest with her and that I didn't because I was selfish and scared. She told me to get the fuck away from her, and I left her alone in tears. She blocked me on all social media.

I felt like complete shit after that. I've become someone that I am not proud of and that doesn't really deserve to be loved or to be happy. And yet I feel that I cannot change that anymore. I feel like that I've become this way because I've discovered the real truth of the world, and that if I want to maximize my own success and my own chances at sexual strategy, the other party needs to be hurt or manipulated. I either have to sacrifice my morals/ethics or my results.

And you know what? If I just was sligthly hotter, slightly taller, I wouldn't need to do any of this shit. Girls I find cute/attractive would not run away from me. I would be able to be more self-confident and content with who I am and with the girls I can get. I feel like I was forced to become a monster because of the way I am and look, and because of all the pain I've received and caused in the past. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being a shitty person.

The girl I was dating knew all of my friends, and I knew some of hers. While technically I never did lie to her, I did lie by omission and purposefully misled her. When the word gets out, my social circle will lose respect for me. If her friends see me outside, they'll likely want to fuck me up.

But I don't really care about that. I'm mostly sad because I know I hurt a girl that didn't deserve it at all. She was probably the sweetest and most decent human being I've met. She trusted me, opened herself up to me, and I emotionally destroyed her. She probably needs to go to therapy now and will not trust men ever again.

What was her fault? Just not being "hot enough". Not having a very cute face, not having enough curves for me to feel like I was dating someone that met my standards.

I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.

tl;dr: I'm a shit human being.

IMG 9814
 
  • JFL
Reactions: Tabula Rasa, twojei, Tenshi and 1 other person
how tall are you?
Based on his post history he's 5'5. It's crazy how there's a whole world out there he didn't have access to because of his height. The only reason he's getting action right now is because these foids who hit the wall are looking for a betabux. Makes sense why none of the decent ones are willing to have sex right off the bat while I'm sure they were more than willing to open their legs for chad a few years ago.
 
Based on his post history he's 5'5. It's crazy how there's a whole world out there he didn't have access to because of his height. The only reason he's getting action right now is because these foids who hit the wall are looking for a betabux. Makes sense why none of the decent ones are willing to have sex right off the bat while I'm sure they were more than willing to open their legs for chad a few years ago.
what motivates you to perform mental gymnastics to convince yourself that a short guy who's having a decent dating life is a cuck or loser in some way? Why not just be happy for him?
 
what motivates you to perform mental gymnastics to convince yourself that a short guy who's having a decent dating life is a cuck or loser in some way? Why not just be happy for him?
He's not happy about his situation, that's the problem. The fact that he was not able to achieve what he wanted makes him a loser.
 
  • +1
Reactions: gymmaxxer1234
Was bullied in middle school and high school, couldn't get a girlfriend or even a kiss... At the same time I saw my bullies or just "hot" guys effortlessly getting with my crushes. Even when I did manage to get some attention it always felt like the girls were below my standards and they didn't look at me the same way they did with others.

I couldn't explain at that time. I randomly started going to the gym, improved my looks a bit, and managed to get a gf or two in my uni years... Again, they were probably sub-5 or LTNs but because I was ignorant I felt happy and in love. However, they always lost attraction after a bit, refused sex, or just became distant. Couldn't explain why.

Then I stumbled onto the redpill. It was a major shock, but it did make sense. It challenged many of my world views and I sort of decided to believe in it and test it out. I used to be thoughtful and morally righteous, but I literally forced myself to become what at the time I considered a "monster" or "manipulator". I started seeing more results, but very inconsistenly. Again, success rate with sub-5 or LTNs was OKish, but any woman I considered "hot" or even "cute" felt impossible to get. In the rare occasions I managed to get lucky with a higher value woman, it never lasted at all.

That's when I discovered the blackpill. I read about the science, I saw the "scientific blackpill" page, and consumed many hours of videos and articles. It explained everything that felt inconsistent/wrong with the redpill. It was also extremely disheartening and it made me even more bitter, misogynistic, and upset with life. But I could finally explain why retarded and rude jocks in middle school / high school were considered attractive, or why I couldn't keep a cute girl around me for a long time.

I did what I could to improve my looks as much as possible. I also felt like this was the turning point where I truly lost my own personality. My personality was now completely dependent on who I was talking to, and on what my goals really were. I lost all my natural empathy and became this sort of morphing individual that tries to act in the way that is more likely to get results.

It worked decently for casual sex (again, no hot girls...), but this completely broke down in LTRs. I've had two multi-year LTRs with girls I considered "cute" (but were still max 5.5/10 or 6/10) where I did fall in love, and I completely ruined both of them because of my own insecurities and my understanding of my own value. After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.

My latest LTR left me in tears because of how many times I hurt her by not realizing her needs and wants, and just trying to optimize everything to be as valuable as possible. Ironic -- what drawn her to me in the first place eventually became what drove her away from me. I was so focused on "not appearing weak", "acting high value", "maximizing my own looks" that I forgot how to be an actual human being. When she actually broke up with me, the realization of that and the feeling of grief was so strong that I literally spent weeks in physical pain. I still think about her pretty much every day and a surge of pain fills my body when I do.

After her, I dated girls more casually. But no girl wanted to be FWB or casual with me, they all wanted a relationship or at least to think we were moving towards a relationship. Instead of being honest and open with them, I misled them into thinking I wanted a relationship. We spent weeks or even months doing couple-y things, so that I could have their companionship and sex. And every single time, I didn't feel like actually entering a relationship with these girls, because I felt like I was dating below my standards.

I felt like I had no choice. I either date below my standards and pretend to be into these girls to get sex and affection, or be alone. I went on so many dates where the outcome was obvious from the first 10 seconds:
- if she was fat/ugly, she would sleep with me on the first date with no resistance and I would ghost her afterwards;
- if she was LTN, anything could happen, but let's say 50% would be totally uninterested, 30% would kiss me then ghost, 20% would sleep with me on 1st or 2nd date;
- if she was above LTN, there was nothing I could do. I almost even never got a kiss. Some girls even refused to sit next to me, or recoiled when I tried touching them. At least two girls lied to my face saying "sorry, I thought Tinder was for friendships!" as if I were a total retard.

I dated a 5/10 girl that was extremely sweet, caring, and nice for about 3-4 months. She was really into me, treated me with respect and affection, and couldn't get enough of my dick. Honestly speaking, I truly enjoyed her company, even outside the bedroom. But I always had this constant thought in my mind that "I was settling" and that "I could do better". If I thought about being with only her the rest of my life, I felt like I was missing out. I also felt like that every day I was not actively using dating apps or going outside to meet girls, I could have been missing out on a girl that I found more attractive.

We never explicitly agreed to exclusivity or to being in a relationship, but it was clear that this girl expected exclusivity and wanted something serious for me. Despite that, I kept seeing and talking to girls behind her back. One night we would fuck and cuddle each other to sleep, and the next morning I would meet some other chick for a coffee. I knew the risks of getting caught, and I felt extremely guilty, but I literally forced myself to go through my guilt because I wanted to maximize my chances at meeting a hotter girl that made me feel as respected and as valued as the one I was dating.

Of course, two days ago, she caught me outside with another girl. She didn't even make a scene, she just looked emotionally destroyed and walked away. I continued my date with the other girl, but in the end she was uninterested as she was actually cute.

After that I went to see the girl I was dating for a few months. She was in tears and looked visibly really hurt. She told me that I was a piece of shit and that she wanted me out of my life. I didn't break down or anything, but I told her that despite what she might think now I truly enjoyed her company and the time spent together and that she knew that. I told her that I should have been honest with her and that I didn't because I was selfish and scared. She told me to get the fuck away from her, and I left her alone in tears. She blocked me on all social media.

I felt like complete shit after that. I've become someone that I am not proud of and that doesn't really deserve to be loved or to be happy. And yet I feel that I cannot change that anymore. I feel like that I've become this way because I've discovered the real truth of the world, and that if I want to maximize my own success and my own chances at sexual strategy, the other party needs to be hurt or manipulated. I either have to sacrifice my morals/ethics or my results.

And you know what? If I just was sligthly hotter, slightly taller, I wouldn't need to do any of this shit. Girls I find cute/attractive would not run away from me. I would be able to be more self-confident and content with who I am and with the girls I can get. I feel like I was forced to become a monster because of the way I am and look, and because of all the pain I've received and caused in the past. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being a shitty person.

The girl I was dating knew all of my friends, and I knew some of hers. While technically I never did lie to her, I did lie by omission and purposefully misled her. When the word gets out, my social circle will lose respect for me. If her friends see me outside, they'll likely want to fuck me up.

But I don't really care about that. I'm mostly sad because I know I hurt a girl that didn't deserve it at all. She was probably the sweetest and most decent human being I've met. She trusted me, opened herself up to me, and I emotionally destroyed her. She probably needs to go to therapy now and will not trust men ever again.

What was her fault? Just not being "hot enough". Not having a very cute face, not having enough curves for me to feel like I was dating someone that met my standards.

I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.

tl;dr: I'm a shit human being.
super shitty for cheating on that 5/10 girl tbh
 
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Lol ur a pussy bro

Omg I'm so terrible yeah stop dating women then leave it for the real Chads that don't give a fuck about feelings and being good to women

Imagine being blackpilled ur whole life and still caring jfl
 
31. Want to try some fillers/botox first, and considering some oculoplasty.
I'm very risk-averse and any invasive procedure scares me a lot.

One of my biggest failios is height but there's no way I am doing LL. That shit's fucked
You can't afford it anyways nigga, better cope then
 
You blackpilled yourself, acted like hoes do and ended up with the same results. But some girls don't feel remorse, they break up with her boyfriend and in the next week have another one (pre orbiter) cuz women always have options. If she was a good girl why would you go out to "search for a better one"? If you needed a hot girl you could have fucked an scort.
I keep thinking women are emotional and actually care even tho I told them shit in the past and they always use my personal shit against me jfl I'm young so I'm retarded
 
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After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.
You can increase empathy.

Ironic -- what drawn her to me in the first place eventually became what drove her away from me. I was so focused on "not appearing weak", "acting high value", "maximizing my own looks" that I forgot how to be an actual human being.
You Only have to act like that until you've had sex a few times. After she clearly likes you, you can show more interest in her, and love and affection. Obviously don't smother her, but you can think about her, and choose to think positively about her, think about her needs, and enjoy your time with her.

Consider this failure to be a learning experience.

broke up with me, the realization of that and the feeling of grief was so strong that I literally spent weeks in physical pain. I still think about her pretty much every day and a surge of pain fills my body when I do.
This is perfectly normal. The pain could last years. It's so you remember, and learn from your mistake and don't make it again.


I felt like complete shit after that. I've become someone that I am not proud of and that doesn't really deserve to be loved or to be happy. And yet I feel that I cannot change that anymore. I feel like that I've become this way because I've discovered the real truth of the world, and that if I want to maximize my own success and my own chances at sexual strategy, the other party needs to be hurt or manipulated. I either have to sacrifice my morals/ethics or my results.
You're confusing "success" and "sexual strategy" with happiness. I was in the same boat. You'll eventually figure out the best girl you can get, over-all when considering looks and personality, and if you date her and focus on things you like about her (conscious regular practice) the relationship will be great and you can then focus on other challenges in life.

The other option is that you make it extremely clear that you only want hookups and friends with benefits before you hookup with any girls, and have fun that way.

But if you have to lead girls on, you're life will be miserable and painful. It's not as cool as it sounds.


The girl I was dating knew all of my friends, and I knew some of hers. While technically I never did lie to her, I did lie by omission and purposefully misled her. When the word gets out, my social circle will lose respect for me. If her friends see me outside, they'll likely want to fuck me up.
Yah. That's pretty normal. It's unlikely they will physically attack you.


I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.

tl;dr: I'm a shit human being.

The concept of "self" is an illusion we choose to keep going.

You can take all of this as a learning experience and try another strategy. Keep trying life strategies until you find something that makes you fulfilled.

You'll never be truly fulfilled, no one ever is, but you'll make some decisions that make you feel generally happier, and over time and trying things out and learning from them, you learn to build a life that you enjoy.
 
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Was bullied in middle school and high school, couldn't get a girlfriend or even a kiss... At the same time I saw my bullies or just "hot" guys effortlessly getting with my crushes. Even when I did manage to get some attention it always felt like the girls were below my standards and they didn't look at me the same way they did with others.

I couldn't explain at that time. I randomly started going to the gym, improved my looks a bit, and managed to get a gf or two in my uni years... Again, they were probably sub-5 or LTNs but because I was ignorant I felt happy and in love. However, they always lost attraction after a bit, refused sex, or just became distant. Couldn't explain why.

Then I stumbled onto the redpill. It was a major shock, but it did make sense. It challenged many of my world views and I sort of decided to believe in it and test it out. I used to be thoughtful and morally righteous, but I literally forced myself to become what at the time I considered a "monster" or "manipulator". I started seeing more results, but very inconsistenly. Again, success rate with sub-5 or LTNs was OKish, but any woman I considered "hot" or even "cute" felt impossible to get. In the rare occasions I managed to get lucky with a higher value woman, it never lasted at all.

That's when I discovered the blackpill. I read about the science, I saw the "scientific blackpill" page, and consumed many hours of videos and articles. It explained everything that felt inconsistent/wrong with the redpill. It was also extremely disheartening and it made me even more bitter, misogynistic, and upset with life. But I could finally explain why retarded and rude jocks in middle school / high school were considered attractive, or why I couldn't keep a cute girl around me for a long time.

I did what I could to improve my looks as much as possible. I also felt like this was the turning point where I truly lost my own personality. My personality was now completely dependent on who I was talking to, and on what my goals really were. I lost all my natural empathy and became this sort of morphing individual that tries to act in the way that is more likely to get results.

It worked decently for casual sex (again, no hot girls...), but this completely broke down in LTRs. I've had two multi-year LTRs with girls I considered "cute" (but were still max 5.5/10 or 6/10) where I did fall in love, and I completely ruined both of them because of my own insecurities and my understanding of my own value. After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.

My latest LTR left me in tears because of how many times I hurt her by not realizing her needs and wants, and just trying to optimize everything to be as valuable as possible. Ironic -- what drawn her to me in the first place eventually became what drove her away from me. I was so focused on "not appearing weak", "acting high value", "maximizing my own looks" that I forgot how to be an actual human being. When she actually broke up with me, the realization of that and the feeling of grief was so strong that I literally spent weeks in physical pain. I still think about her pretty much every day and a surge of pain fills my body when I do.

After her, I dated girls more casually. But no girl wanted to be FWB or casual with me, they all wanted a relationship or at least to think we were moving towards a relationship. Instead of being honest and open with them, I misled them into thinking I wanted a relationship. We spent weeks or even months doing couple-y things, so that I could have their companionship and sex. And every single time, I didn't feel like actually entering a relationship with these girls, because I felt like I was dating below my standards.

I felt like I had no choice. I either date below my standards and pretend to be into these girls to get sex and affection, or be alone. I went on so many dates where the outcome was obvious from the first 10 seconds:
- if she was fat/ugly, she would sleep with me on the first date with no resistance and I would ghost her afterwards;
- if she was LTN, anything could happen, but let's say 50% would be totally uninterested, 30% would kiss me then ghost, 20% would sleep with me on 1st or 2nd date;
- if she was above LTN, there was nothing I could do. I almost even never got a kiss. Some girls even refused to sit next to me, or recoiled when I tried touching them. At least two girls lied to my face saying "sorry, I thought Tinder was for friendships!" as if I were a total retard.

I dated a 5/10 girl that was extremely sweet, caring, and nice for about 3-4 months. She was really into me, treated me with respect and affection, and couldn't get enough of my dick. Honestly speaking, I truly enjoyed her company, even outside the bedroom. But I always had this constant thought in my mind that "I was settling" and that "I could do better". If I thought about being with only her the rest of my life, I felt like I was missing out. I also felt like that every day I was not actively using dating apps or going outside to meet girls, I could have been missing out on a girl that I found more attractive.

We never explicitly agreed to exclusivity or to being in a relationship, but it was clear that this girl expected exclusivity and wanted something serious for me. Despite that, I kept seeing and talking to girls behind her back. One night we would fuck and cuddle each other to sleep, and the next morning I would meet some other chick for a coffee. I knew the risks of getting caught, and I felt extremely guilty, but I literally forced myself to go through my guilt because I wanted to maximize my chances at meeting a hotter girl that made me feel as respected and as valued as the one I was dating.

Of course, two days ago, she caught me outside with another girl. She didn't even make a scene, she just looked emotionally destroyed and walked away. I continued my date with the other girl, but in the end she was uninterested as she was actually cute.

After that I went to see the girl I was dating for a few months. She was in tears and looked visibly really hurt. She told me that I was a piece of shit and that she wanted me out of my life. I didn't break down or anything, but I told her that despite what she might think now I truly enjoyed her company and the time spent together and that she knew that. I told her that I should have been honest with her and that I didn't because I was selfish and scared. She told me to get the fuck away from her, and I left her alone in tears. She blocked me on all social media.

I felt like complete shit after that. I've become someone that I am not proud of and that doesn't really deserve to be loved or to be happy. And yet I feel that I cannot change that anymore. I feel like that I've become this way because I've discovered the real truth of the world, and that if I want to maximize my own success and my own chances at sexual strategy, the other party needs to be hurt or manipulated. I either have to sacrifice my morals/ethics or my results.

And you know what? If I just was sligthly hotter, slightly taller, I wouldn't need to do any of this shit. Girls I find cute/attractive would not run away from me. I would be able to be more self-confident and content with who I am and with the girls I can get. I feel like I was forced to become a monster because of the way I am and look, and because of all the pain I've received and caused in the past. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being a shitty person.

The girl I was dating knew all of my friends, and I knew some of hers. While technically I never did lie to her, I did lie by omission and purposefully misled her. When the word gets out, my social circle will lose respect for me. If her friends see me outside, they'll likely want to fuck me up.

But I don't really care about that. I'm mostly sad because I know I hurt a girl that didn't deserve it at all. She was probably the sweetest and most decent human being I've met. She trusted me, opened herself up to me, and I emotionally destroyed her. She probably needs to go to therapy now and will not trust men ever again.

What was her fault? Just not being "hot enough". Not having a very cute face, not having enough curves for me to feel like I was dating someone that met my standards.

I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.

tl;dr: I'm a shit human being.
bro show some pics of the 5/10s 6/10s (not exact but what u think r those vals) I feel like they actually htbs, but u just downplaying or standards too inflated. Also this is just life. U grow and u learn. Take it at that
 
Because "good" isn't satisfactory to me anymore. I don't think nowadays I would be able to be happy if I feel like I'm settling.

Every time I looked at her or slept with her I couldn't help but notice her failos and wishing she looked a bit better. It's ingrained in me now, I just feel that way.
damn i lokey feel u tho. I think the same shit, but I am lokey happy with like my looksmax or around that.
 
brutal. i hope last girl is ok. sad.
 
you created a monster. shes probably feminist now or hate men.
 
kinda same for me, you gotta get back to normal social interactions with people, its hard becouse you view everything through a blackpill lense but if you just talk shit/enjoy your time with normies and girls you will be able to return somewhat to baseline although many things in life that used to not effect you will seem extreamly brutal. u will naturally find your groove probably. for me i felt like shit because i alienated people be acting extremaly low inhib and indifferent now i have dialed it back and people seem to respond better. iv allways had a concous social strategy but i took it too far at times.
 
Wow, This is very similar to my story you see, I was bullied in middle school and high school, couldn't get a girlfriend or even a kiss... At the same time I saw my bullies or just "hot" guys effortlessly getting with my crushes. Even when I did manage to get some attention it always felt like the girls were below my standards and they didn't look at me the same way they did with others.

I couldn't explain at that time. I randomly started going to the gym, improved my looks a bit, and managed to get a gf or two in my uni years... Again, they were probably sub-5 or LTNs but because I was ignorant I felt happy and in love. However, they always lost attraction after a bit, refused sex, or just became distant. Couldn't explain why.

Then I stumbled onto the redpill. It was a major shock, but it did make sense. It challenged many of my world views and I sort of decided to believe in it and test it out. I used to be thoughtful and morally righteous, but I literally forced myself to become what at the time I considered a "monster" or "manipulator". I started seeing more results, but very inconsistenly. Again, success rate with sub-5 or LTNs was OKish, but any woman I considered "hot" or even "cute" felt impossible to get. In the rare occasions I managed to get lucky with a higher value woman, it never lasted at all.

That's when I discovered the blackpill. I read about the science, I saw the "scientific blackpill" page, and consumed many hours of videos and articles. It explained everything that felt inconsistent/wrong with the redpill. It was also extremely disheartening and it made me even more bitter, misogynistic, and upset with life. But I could finally explain why retarded and rude jocks in middle school / high school were considered attractive, or why I couldn't keep a cute girl around me for a long time.

I did what I could to improve my looks as much as possible. I also felt like this was the turning point where I truly lost my own personality. My personality was now completely dependent on who I was talking to, and on what my goals really were. I lost all my natural empathy and became this sort of morphing individual that tries to act in the way that is more likely to get results.

It worked decently for casual sex (again, no hot girls...), but this completely broke down in LTRs. I've had two multi-year LTRs with girls I considered "cute" (but were still max 5.5/10 or 6/10) where I did fall in love, and I completely ruined both of them because of my own insecurities and my understanding of my own value. After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.

My latest LTR left me in tears because of how many times I hurt her by not realizing her needs and wants, and just trying to optimize everything to be as valuable as possible. Ironic -- what drawn her to me in the first place eventually became what drove her away from me. I was so focused on "not appearing weak", "acting high value", "maximizing my own looks" that I forgot how to be an actual human being. When she actually broke up with me, the realization of that and the feeling of grief was so strong that I literally spent weeks in physical pain. I still think about her pretty much every day and a surge of pain fills my body when I do.

After her, I dated girls more casually. But no girl wanted to be FWB or casual with me, they all wanted a relationship or at least to think we were moving towards a relationship. Instead of being honest and open with them, I misled them into thinking I wanted a relationship. We spent weeks or even months doing couple-y things, so that I could have their companionship and sex. And every single time, I didn't feel like actually entering a relationship with these girls, because I felt like I was dating below my standards.

I felt like I had no choice. I either date below my standards and pretend to be into these girls to get sex and affection, or be alone. I went on so many dates where the outcome was obvious from the first 10 seconds:
- if she was fat/ugly, she would sleep with me on the first date with no resistance and I would ghost her afterwards;
- if she was LTN, anything could happen, but let's say 50% would be totally uninterested, 30% would kiss me then ghost, 20% would sleep with me on 1st or 2nd date;
- if she was above LTN, there was nothing I could do. I almost even never got a kiss. Some girls even refused to sit next to me, or recoiled when I tried touching them. At least two girls lied to my face saying "sorry, I thought Tinder was for friendships!" as if I were a total retard.

I dated a 5/10 girl that was extremely sweet, caring, and nice for about 3-4 months. She was really into me, treated me with respect and affection, and couldn't get enough of my dick. Honestly speaking, I truly enjoyed her company, even outside the bedroom. But I always had this constant thought in my mind that "I was settling" and that "I could do better". If I thought about being with only her the rest of my life, I felt like I was missing out. I also felt like that every day I was not actively using dating apps or going outside to meet girls, I could have been missing out on a girl that I found more attractive.

We never explicitly agreed to exclusivity or to being in a relationship, but it was clear that this girl expected exclusivity and wanted something serious for me. Despite that, I kept seeing and talking to girls behind her back. One night we would fuck and cuddle each other to sleep, and the next morning I would meet some other chick for a coffee. I knew the risks of getting caught, and I felt extremely guilty, but I literally forced myself to go through my guilt because I wanted to maximize my chances at meeting a hotter girl that made me feel as respected and as valued as the one I was dating.

Of course, two days ago, she caught me outside with another girl. She didn't even make a scene, she just looked emotionally destroyed and walked away. I continued my date with the other girl, but in the end she was uninterested as she was actually cute.

After that I went to see the girl I was dating for a few months. She was in tears and looked visibly really hurt. She told me that I was a piece of shit and that she wanted me out of my life. I didn't break down or anything, but I told her that despite what she might think now I truly enjoyed her company and the time spent together and that she knew that. I told her that I should have been honest with her and that I didn't because I was selfish and scared. She told me to get the fuck away from her, and I left her alone in tears. She blocked me on all social media.

I felt like complete shit after that. I've become someone that I am not proud of and that doesn't really deserve to be loved or to be happy. And yet I feel that I cannot change that anymore. I feel like that I've become this way because I've discovered the real truth of the world, and that if I want to maximize my own success and my own chances at sexual strategy, the other party needs to be hurt or manipulated. I either have to sacrifice my morals/ethics or my results.

And you know what? If I just was sligthly hotter, slightly taller, I wouldn't need to do any of this shit. Girls I find cute/attractive would not run away from me. I would be able to be more self-confident and content with who I am and with the girls I can get. I feel like I was forced to become a monster because of the way I am and look, and because of all the pain I've received and caused in the past. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being a shitty person.

The girl I was dating knew all of my friends, and I knew some of hers. While technically I never did lie to her, I did lie by omission and purposefully misled her. When the word gets out, my social circle will lose respect for me. If her friends see me outside, they'll likely want to fuck me up.

But I don't really care about that. I'm mostly sad because I know I hurt a girl that didn't deserve it at all. She was probably the sweetest and most decent human being I've met. She trusted me, opened herself up to me, and I emotionally destroyed her. She probably needs to go to therapy now and will not trust men ever again.

What was her fault? Just not being "hot enough". Not having a very cute face, not having enough curves for me to feel like I was dating someone that met my standards.

I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.

tl;dr: I'm a shit human being.
 
kinda same for me, you gotta get back to normal social interactions with people, its hard becouse you view everything through a blackpill lense but if you just talk shit/enjoy your time with normies and girls you will be able to return somewhat to baseline although many things in life that used to not effect you will seem extreamly brutal. u will naturally find your groove probably. for me i felt like shit because i alienated people be acting extremaly low inhib and indifferent now i have dialed it back and people seem to respond better. iv allways had a concous social strategy but i took it too far at times.
I'm trying to go back to my bluepill self, but it's proving very difficult when I see the blackpill being proven everywhere I go. Both my experiences and the experiences I see of others tend to lean more blackpill than redpill or bluepill. The science says the blackpill is true. I haven't seen science argue against it successfully.
 
I'm trying to go back to my bluepill self, but it's proving very difficult when I see the blackpill being proven everywhere I go. Both my experiences and the experiences I see of others tend to lean more blackpill than redpill or bluepill. The science says the blackpill is true. I haven't seen science argue against it successfully.
Taking the blackpill is something you can never undo however you can become more whitepilled and less doomer, that will help you
 
How tf r you slaying like that at 5’5”?
 
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DNR plus from what I infer you are a fucking loser
 
Taking the blackpill is something you can never undo however you can become more whitepilled and less doomer, that will help you
How does one become whitepilled when the blackpill has been proven time and time again through empirical evidence?
 
tldr; op is a faggot

This is why I’m just surgery maxing

I’m already tall and rich

All I need is muscles and a better face

Til then I’ll probably just try to fuck a bunch of LTBs and MTBs
 
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Was bullied in middle school and high school, couldn't get a girlfriend or even a kiss... At the same time I saw my bullies or just "hot" guys effortlessly getting with my crushes. Even when I did manage to get some attention it always felt like the girls were below my standards and they didn't look at me the same way they did with others.

I couldn't explain at that time. I randomly started going to the gym, improved my looks a bit, and managed to get a gf or two in my uni years... Again, they were probably sub-5 or LTNs but because I was ignorant I felt happy and in love. However, they always lost attraction after a bit, refused sex, or just became distant. Couldn't explain why.

Then I stumbled onto the redpill. It was a major shock, but it did make sense. It challenged many of my world views and I sort of decided to believe in it and test it out. I used to be thoughtful and morally righteous, but I literally forced myself to become what at the time I considered a "monster" or "manipulator". I started seeing more results, but very inconsistenly. Again, success rate with sub-5 or LTNs was OKish, but any woman I considered "hot" or even "cute" felt impossible to get. In the rare occasions I managed to get lucky with a higher value woman, it never lasted at all.

That's when I discovered the blackpill. I read about the science, I saw the "scientific blackpill" page, and consumed many hours of videos and articles. It explained everything that felt inconsistent/wrong with the redpill. It was also extremely disheartening and it made me even more bitter, misogynistic, and upset with life. But I could finally explain why retarded and rude jocks in middle school / high school were considered attractive, or why I couldn't keep a cute girl around me for a long time.

I did what I could to improve my looks as much as possible. I also felt like this was the turning point where I truly lost my own personality. My personality was now completely dependent on who I was talking to, and on what my goals really were. I lost all my natural empathy and became this sort of morphing individual that tries to act in the way that is more likely to get results.

It worked decently for casual sex (again, no hot girls...), but this completely broke down in LTRs. I've had two multi-year LTRs with girls I considered "cute" (but were still max 5.5/10 or 6/10) where I did fall in love, and I completely ruined both of them because of my own insecurities and my understanding of my own value. After a year, the girls started noticing patterns, started realizing that I've always been a facade. They started realizing that I lacked empathy, and that their initial impression of me was wrong.

My latest LTR left me in tears because of how many times I hurt her by not realizing her needs and wants, and just trying to optimize everything to be as valuable as possible. Ironic -- what drawn her to me in the first place eventually became what drove her away from me. I was so focused on "not appearing weak", "acting high value", "maximizing my own looks" that I forgot how to be an actual human being. When she actually broke up with me, the realization of that and the feeling of grief was so strong that I literally spent weeks in physical pain. I still think about her pretty much every day and a surge of pain fills my body when I do.

After her, I dated girls more casually. But no girl wanted to be FWB or casual with me, they all wanted a relationship or at least to think we were moving towards a relationship. Instead of being honest and open with them, I misled them into thinking I wanted a relationship. We spent weeks or even months doing couple-y things, so that I could have their companionship and sex. And every single time, I didn't feel like actually entering a relationship with these girls, because I felt like I was dating below my standards.

I felt like I had no choice. I either date below my standards and pretend to be into these girls to get sex and affection, or be alone. I went on so many dates where the outcome was obvious from the first 10 seconds:
- if she was fat/ugly, she would sleep with me on the first date with no resistance and I would ghost her afterwards;
- if she was LTN, anything could happen, but let's say 50% would be totally uninterested, 30% would kiss me then ghost, 20% would sleep with me on 1st or 2nd date;
- if she was above LTN, there was nothing I could do. I almost even never got a kiss. Some girls even refused to sit next to me, or recoiled when I tried touching them. At least two girls lied to my face saying "sorry, I thought Tinder was for friendships!" as if I were a total retard.

I dated a 5/10 girl that was extremely sweet, caring, and nice for about 3-4 months. She was really into me, treated me with respect and affection, and couldn't get enough of my dick. Honestly speaking, I truly enjoyed her company, even outside the bedroom. But I always had this constant thought in my mind that "I was settling" and that "I could do better". If I thought about being with only her the rest of my life, I felt like I was missing out. I also felt like that every day I was not actively using dating apps or going outside to meet girls, I could have been missing out on a girl that I found more attractive.

We never explicitly agreed to exclusivity or to being in a relationship, but it was clear that this girl expected exclusivity and wanted something serious for me. Despite that, I kept seeing and talking to girls behind her back. One night we would fuck and cuddle each other to sleep, and the next morning I would meet some other chick for a coffee. I knew the risks of getting caught, and I felt extremely guilty, but I literally forced myself to go through my guilt because I wanted to maximize my chances at meeting a hotter girl that made me feel as respected and as valued as the one I was dating.

Of course, two days ago, she caught me outside with another girl. She didn't even make a scene, she just looked emotionally destroyed and walked away. I continued my date with the other girl, but in the end she was uninterested as she was actually cute.

After that I went to see the girl I was dating for a few months. She was in tears and looked visibly really hurt. She told me that I was a piece of shit and that she wanted me out of my life. I didn't break down or anything, but I told her that despite what she might think now I truly enjoyed her company and the time spent together and that she knew that. I told her that I should have been honest with her and that I didn't because I was selfish and scared. She told me to get the fuck away from her, and I left her alone in tears. She blocked me on all social media.

I felt like complete shit after that. I've become someone that I am not proud of and that doesn't really deserve to be loved or to be happy. And yet I feel that I cannot change that anymore. I feel like that I've become this way because I've discovered the real truth of the world, and that if I want to maximize my own success and my own chances at sexual strategy, the other party needs to be hurt or manipulated. I either have to sacrifice my morals/ethics or my results.

And you know what? If I just was sligthly hotter, slightly taller, I wouldn't need to do any of this shit. Girls I find cute/attractive would not run away from me. I would be able to be more self-confident and content with who I am and with the girls I can get. I feel like I was forced to become a monster because of the way I am and look, and because of all the pain I've received and caused in the past. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize being a shitty person.

The girl I was dating knew all of my friends, and I knew some of hers. While technically I never did lie to her, I did lie by omission and purposefully misled her. When the word gets out, my social circle will lose respect for me. If her friends see me outside, they'll likely want to fuck me up.

But I don't really care about that. I'm mostly sad because I know I hurt a girl that didn't deserve it at all. She was probably the sweetest and most decent human being I've met. She trusted me, opened herself up to me, and I emotionally destroyed her. She probably needs to go to therapy now and will not trust men ever again.

What was her fault? Just not being "hot enough". Not having a very cute face, not having enough curves for me to feel like I was dating someone that met my standards.

I've become the same kind of person that destroyed me in my earlier years. I can't help but feel that the knowledge I've gained is truthful and useful, but also made me even more unhappy than I was before.

tl;dr: I'm a shit human being.
did read.
 
How tf r you slaying like that at 5’5”?
Are you sure he's slaying? He hasn't ever dated someone he deemed attractive. Like he said, the truly good looking girls never look his way and he's had to settle every time for a romantic encounter. I almost came close to settling too, but I came to my senses. It's just not worth waking up to imo.
 
tldr; op is a faggot

This is why I’m just surgery maxing

I’m already tall and rich

All I need is muscles and a better face

Til then I’ll probably just try to fuck a bunch of LTBs and MTBs
How old are you? I think one of op's many problems is that he is far too old. He will never have the success of the early to mid twenties chad. His slaying will consist of used up roasties who only give him starfish sex after making him jump through several hoops (unless she's a landwhale, in that case she may sexually deliver)

I'm about to turn 21, I will be 22 when I fully recover from my bimax. I'm already feeling the clock ticking, and this post is another reminder of how important this time will be.
 
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