D
Deleted member 47332
Mental Masturbation Galore
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2023
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I have suffered from what my church terms "same sex attraction" my whole life. My husband has been my best friend for 30 years, married for 25. He has felt asexual since as long as he can remember. Our relationship has been one of absolute loving, cuddly but celibate best friends, and while unusual, has been satisfying and worked for us.
This weekend I attended my 25th high school reunion, about 4 hours from where we live. I stayed with "Eve," my best female friend from back then. I'm not going into details here, frankly I haven't even processed it all yet...we made love several times. I had my first ever orgasm(s), I felt desired, I felt authentic, real, alive. Neither Eve nor I planned or expected this. I'm shedding a lot of self-deception, determined to actually live my life now.
I'm ready to lose some friends and family, and being unwelcome at my church...but the thing is, my best friend/husband/confidant is totally innocent in all this, and for two days I haven't slept much, etc, and he's sensing something is weighing on my heart. How on Earth do I ask to just switch him to best-friend? This sucks. Thanks for listening or any advice.
Edit/Update --- Thank you all for taking the time to give me much to consider, amidst the deluge of hate and name-calling, there's been a lot of empathy, encouragement, and thoughtful advice. Thank you so much. Many of you were correct in assumptions about me, and our marriage. So here's a bit more detail...I was trying yesterday not to make my post too long.
Yes, our marriage was very much to avoid the overwhelming stigma in our (raised-in) faith that goes with staying single, wanting to be chidfree, being gay, etc. We both had, and do have great affection for each other, but were not self-aware enough to figure that the social pressure was the reason for our young marriage, and be honest about it to one another until several years in. We've been comfortable about us in an open (privately of course) and honest way. We joke that we are like secret agents, with our own "cover story"....our main one being that I am, sadly, infertile.
I prayed every day since I was a teen for God to take away my same sex attraction, and then would pray for forgiveness for being angry at God that it didn't happen. My husband, in whom I confided about my struggle long before we married, has prayed beside me in this countless times, but has always been adamant that he prays for my heart to be at peace about the matter, not for me to change. That has always been incredibly meaningful to me, and I've always let him know it. Praying, for both of us, has increasingly lessened for several years now. Our church attendance is mostly pro-forma now. When I'm there now, I find myself looking around, and wondering how many others are also there "just to be there."
No, my husband isn't gay. He's funny, kind, always helping others, the real deal of a man. He's just completely asexual, and about a 9 out of 10 aromantic also. No one, but no one could ever have a better friend. We've discussed in the last few years (HE has brought it up) that perhaps I should have physical relationships with other women to be happy, but I'd always shut that down.
Very late last night he told me he knew something was really bothering me, that he had a feeling he knew what it was, and that we are going to talk about it, tonight. And then he held me for what seemed forever.
Life as a cuck
