I feel like I’m living in a dark fog

[Prøphet]

I hate myself. I hate my short jaw. I hate the look in my eyes I catch in the mirror. I hate that I can’t think of anything to say to people. I hate that I’m a pussy. I hate that I let myself stay this way.

Nothing feels real. I don’t get excited or genuinely happy for anything. I think back on the joy I felt on Christmas Eve when I was a blissfully unaware and naive child. I haven’t felt anything like that in a while. Nothing interests me because I’m cursed with the awareness of the type of person I am. I am everything I hate.

At some point this all is my fault, but I don’t know where exactly. I don’t do anything. I take classes and go to the gym, that’s my life. Zero interaction, zero hobbies, zero friends. I’m just waiting for my surgery consultation that’s coming up in a couple weeks. That’s what I do in my 12 hours of free time. I’m ashamed to admit all of this but I’m desperately trying anything to get the strength to climb out of this hole.

I feel like my family has seen me give up on myself, and they don’t know what to do except accept it. I don’t know if they know who I am anymore. I make an effort to act like everything is okay, but the truth is I’ve given up the reigns on my life and I’m just aimlessly letting things happen and slip away from my grasp.

Why am I like this? Because I used to care too much, and it only hurt me. But this also hurts. It feels like when you’re ND and sub5, just a superficially undesirable person, there is no right choice. I feel paralyzed by fear and shame. I can’t move in any direction because I don’t see anything good coming from any of them.

I don’t know what this post is for but it feels kinda good and enlightening to talk about something for once. The truth is any advice you might have for me will be useless because by my nature I won’t ever implement it in my situation. A part of me that I hate wants to stagnate and lay down and give up, but I can’t cut this part off.

I guess one thing I realize is that when it comes to hating yourself, where is the distinction between choice and benefit? Insecurity fuels achievement. Self hatred is the igniter of making yourself better. But how do you take steps to build up your life when you know you don’t deserve it, and that you’re incapable, and that you’re afraid of the humilities that your Self might face? And regardless of these outcomes, how do you decide whether to hate or love yourself, when that decision is based on years of environment and development?

I think I allow myself to fail and live a life (or rather not live a life) I quietly dislike because nobody ever saw me for who I was, they only saw what was on the surface. This isn’t about blame, this is about a search for answers. I made many mistakes, but the first one in that chain was being born with such a bad combination of genes.

Nevertheless, nothing good comes out of escaping accountability. I want to foster the part of myself that craves a win against the odds, but I allow myself to get too pessimistic for my own good. I allow these things because I can’t fool myself for long

 

[Prøphet]

Dnr

 

[Prøphet]

Water

 

[CHRIST_764]

Test

 

[Prøphet]

Test

?

 

[CHRIST_764]

?

You need it

 

[afroheadluke]

Water

unfortunately

i don't know what else to say other than even with all that you've written i can tell you're still strong at something great

put your mind into a passion or whatever it is whatever you know best of

 

[Prøphet]

You need it

I’ve thought about it but it would just be a brutal looks min for me. I started balding at 16 years old and am still a Norwood 2 at 18 even on finasteride. I have no doubt that Roids would nuke my hairline. There is nothing more important than appearances, because that’s how you get proper external validation.

 

[CHRIST_764]

I’ve thought about it but it would just be a brutal looks min for me. I started balding at 16 years old and am still a Norwood 2 at 18 even on finasteride. I have no doubt that Roids would nuke my hairline. There is nothing more important than appearances, because that’s how you get proper external validation.

It will give you motivation for life
Go the natural way then

 

[Prøphet]

unfortunately

i don't know what else to say other than even with all that you've written i can tell you're still strong at something great

put your mind into a passion or whatever it is whatever you know best of

Ty

I put my mind into the passion of consuming rather than creating, because affirmations feel better than subjecting others to my self

 

[Prøphet]

It will give you motivation for life
Go the natural way then

If I wasn’t already balding I would’ve already hopped on. I hate how complicated things are, and I hate how there’s always a catch when I pursue something I want.

 

[xzylecrey]

Hardmax

 

[CHRIST_764]

If I wasn’t already balding I would’ve already hopped on. I hate how complicated things are, and I hate how there’s always a catch when I pursue something I want.

36 raw eggs a day

 

[Acquiescence]

Through surgery we shall find salvation

 

[Prøphet]

Through surgery we shall find salvation

Deep down I know it won’t be the golden cure it’s made out to be, but at least it will make me palatable to people. At least people won’t start out hating me when they see me

 

[Prøphet]

Hardmax

It’s coming. I’ve just spent years sitting around waiting for it to give me a real chance at life. I wasn’t even allowed to officially pursue it until 18. I feel robbed of what I could’ve had. I don’t hate or blame anyone in my life for denying me surgery, because hatred is like throwing poison at others with your bare hands. I just feel like a waste of potential, helpless until the doctors finally stop delaying and putting me on months long waitlists.

 

[Prøphet]

36 raw eggs a day

Why not cooked

 

[CHRIST_764]

Why not cooked

Less cholesterol when u cook them

 

[xzylecrey]

It’s coming. I’ve just spent years sitting around waiting for it to give me a real chance at life. I wasn’t even allowed to officially pursue it until 18. I feel robbed of what I could’ve had. I don’t hate or blame anyone in my life for denying me surgery, because hatred is like throwing poison at others with your bare hands. I just feel like a waste of potential, helpless until the doctors finally stop delaying and putting me on months long waitlists.

i understand im nearly 19 with no savings yet so im starting from 0.
Im mirin the fact your trying to climb out of the hole as ANY progress is better than none. Take things one step at a time whether thats getting the hardmaxxes, saving up, your social skills or confidence etc. They can all be worked on slowly just have a plan and follow it trust. <3

 

[ppmaxpp]

I hate myself. I hate my short jaw. I hate the look in my eyes I catch in the mirror. I hate that I can’t think of anything to say to people. I hate that I’m a pussy. I hate that I let myself stay this way.

Nothing feels real. I don’t get excited or genuinely happy for anything. I think back on the joy I felt on Christmas Eve when I was a blissfully unaware and naive child. I haven’t felt anything like that in a while. Nothing interests me because I’m cursed with the awareness of the type of person I am. I am everything I hate.

At some point this all is my fault, but I don’t know where exactly. I don’t do anything. I take classes and go to the gym, that’s my life. Zero interaction, zero hobbies, zero friends. I’m just waiting for my surgery consultation that’s coming up in a couple weeks. That’s what I do in my 12 hours of free time. I’m ashamed to admit all of this but I’m desperately trying anything to get the strength to climb out of this hole.

I feel like my family has seen me give up on myself, and they don’t know what to do except accept it. I don’t know if they know who I am anymore. I make an effort to act like everything is okay, but the truth is I’ve given up the reigns on my life and I’m just aimlessly letting things happen and slip away from my grasp.

Why am I like this? Because I used to care too much, and it only hurt me. But this also hurts. It feels like when you’re ND and sub5, just a superficially undesirable person, there is no right choice. I feel paralyzed by fear and shame. I can’t move in any direction because I don’t see anything good coming from any of them.

I don’t know what this post is for but it feels kinda good and enlightening to talk about something for once. The truth is any advice you might have for me will be useless because by my nature I won’t ever implement it in my situation. A part of me that I hate wants to stagnate and lay down and give up, but I can’t cut this part off.

I guess one thing I realize is that when it comes to hating yourself, where is the distinction between choice and benefit? Insecurity fuels achievement. Self hatred is the igniter of making yourself better. But how do you take steps to build up your life when you know you don’t deserve it, and that you’re incapable, and that you’re afraid of the humilities that your Self might face? And regardless of these outcomes, how do you decide whether to hate or love yourself, when that decision is based on years of environment and development?

I think I allow myself to fail and live a life (or rather not live a life) I quietly dislike because nobody ever saw me for who I was, they only saw what was on the surface. This isn’t about blame, this is about a search for answers. I made many mistakes, but the first one in that chain was being born with such a bad combination of genes.

Nevertheless, nothing good comes out of escaping accountability. I want to foster the part of myself that craves a win against the odds, but I allow myself to get too pessimistic for my own good. I allow these things because I can’t fool myself for long

I hate myselfg too m8 this sucks and it sucks have a nice day