I feel like I’m living in a dark fog

[Prøphet]

I hate myself. I hate my short jaw. I hate the look in my eyes I catch in the mirror. I hate that I can’t think of anything to say to people. I hate that I’m a pussy. I hate that I let myself stay this way.

Nothing feels real. I don’t get excited or genuinely happy for anything. I think back on the joy I felt on Christmas Eve when I was a blissfully unaware and naive child. I haven’t felt anything like that in a while. Nothing interests me because I’m cursed with the awareness of the type of person I am. I am everything I hate.

At some point this all is my fault, but I don’t know where exactly. I don’t do anything. I take classes and go to the gym, that’s my life. Zero interaction, zero hobbies, zero friends. I’m just waiting for my surgery consultation that’s coming up in a couple weeks. That’s what I do in my 12 hours of free time. I’m ashamed to admit all of this but I’m desperately trying anything to get the strength to climb out of this hole.

I feel like my family has seen me give up on myself, and they don’t know what to do except accept it. I don’t know if they know who I am anymore. I make an effort to act like everything is okay, but the truth is I’ve given up the reigns on my life and I’m just aimlessly letting things happen and slip away from my grasp.

Why am I like this? Because I used to care too much, and it only hurt me. But this also hurts. It feels like when you’re ND and sub5, just a superficially undesirable person, there is no right choice. I feel paralyzed by fear and shame. I can’t move in any direction because I don’t see anything good coming from any of them.

I don’t know what this post is for but it feels kinda good and enlightening to talk about something for once. The truth is any advice you might have for me will be useless because by my nature I won’t ever implement it in my situation. A part of me that I hate wants to stagnate and lay down and give up, but I can’t cut this part off.

I guess one thing I realize is that when it comes to hating yourself, where is the distinction between choice and benefit? Insecurity fuels achievement. Self hatred is the igniter of making yourself better. But how do you take steps to build up your life when you know you don’t deserve it, and that you’re incapable, and that you’re afraid of the humilities that your Self might face? And regardless of these outcomes, how do you decide whether to hate or love yourself, when that decision is based on years of environment and development?

I think I allow myself to fail and live a life (or rather not live a life) I quietly dislike because nobody ever saw me for who I was, they only saw what was on the surface. This isn’t about blame, this is about a search for answers. I made many mistakes, but the first one in that chain was being born with such a bad combination of genes.

Nevertheless, nothing good comes out of escaping accountability. I want to foster the part of myself that craves a win against the odds, but I allow myself to get too pessimistic for my own good. I allow these things because I can’t fool myself for long

 

[Prøphet]

Dnr

 

[Prøphet]

Water

 

[CHRIST_764]

Test

 

[Prøphet]

Test

?

 

[CHRIST_764]

?

You need it

 

[afroheadluke]

Water

unfortunately

i don't know what else to say other than even with all that you've written i can tell you're still strong at something great

put your mind into a passion or whatever it is whatever you know best of

 

[Prøphet]

You need it

I’ve thought about it but it would just be a brutal looks min for me. I started balding at 16 years old and am still a Norwood 2 at 18 even on finasteride. I have no doubt that Roids would nuke my hairline. There is nothing more important than appearances, because that’s how you get proper external validation.

 

[CHRIST_764]

I’ve thought about it but it would just be a brutal looks min for me. I started balding at 16 years old and am still a Norwood 2 at 18 even on finasteride. I have no doubt that Roids would nuke my hairline. There is nothing more important than appearances, because that’s how you get proper external validation.

It will give you motivation for life
Go the natural way then

 

[Prøphet]

unfortunately

i don't know what else to say other than even with all that you've written i can tell you're still strong at something great

put your mind into a passion or whatever it is whatever you know best of

Ty

I put my mind into the passion of consuming rather than creating, because affirmations feel better than subjecting others to my self

 

[Prøphet]

It will give you motivation for life
Go the natural way then

If I wasn’t already balding I would’ve already hopped on. I hate how complicated things are, and I hate how there’s always a catch when I pursue something I want.

 

[Deleted member 104089]

Hardmax

 

[CHRIST_764]

If I wasn’t already balding I would’ve already hopped on. I hate how complicated things are, and I hate how there’s always a catch when I pursue something I want.

36 raw eggs a day

 

[Deleted member 93861]

Through surgery we shall find salvation

 

[Prøphet]

Through surgery we shall find salvation

Deep down I know it won’t be the golden cure it’s made out to be, but at least it will make me palatable to people. At least people won’t start out hating me when they see me

 

[Prøphet]

Hardmax

It’s coming. I’ve just spent years sitting around waiting for it to give me a real chance at life. I wasn’t even allowed to officially pursue it until 18. I feel robbed of what I could’ve had. I don’t hate or blame anyone in my life for denying me surgery, because hatred is like throwing poison at others with your bare hands. I just feel like a waste of potential, helpless until the doctors finally stop delaying and putting me on months long waitlists.

 

[Prøphet]

36 raw eggs a day

Why not cooked

 

[CHRIST_764]

Why not cooked

Less cholesterol when u cook them

 

[Deleted member 104089]

It’s coming. I’ve just spent years sitting around waiting for it to give me a real chance at life. I wasn’t even allowed to officially pursue it until 18. I feel robbed of what I could’ve had. I don’t hate or blame anyone in my life for denying me surgery, because hatred is like throwing poison at others with your bare hands. I just feel like a waste of potential, helpless until the doctors finally stop delaying and putting me on months long waitlists.

i understand im nearly 19 with no savings yet so im starting from 0.
Im mirin the fact your trying to climb out of the hole as ANY progress is better than none. Take things one step at a time whether thats getting the hardmaxxes, saving up, your social skills or confidence etc. They can all be worked on slowly just have a plan and follow it trust. <3

 

[ppmaxpp]

I hate myself. I hate my short jaw. I hate the look in my eyes I catch in the mirror. I hate that I can’t think of anything to say to people. I hate that I’m a pussy. I hate that I let myself stay this way.

Nothing feels real. I don’t get excited or genuinely happy for anything. I think back on the joy I felt on Christmas Eve when I was a blissfully unaware and naive child. I haven’t felt anything like that in a while. Nothing interests me because I’m cursed with the awareness of the type of person I am. I am everything I hate.

At some point this all is my fault, but I don’t know where exactly. I don’t do anything. I take classes and go to the gym, that’s my life. Zero interaction, zero hobbies, zero friends. I’m just waiting for my surgery consultation that’s coming up in a couple weeks. That’s what I do in my 12 hours of free time. I’m ashamed to admit all of this but I’m desperately trying anything to get the strength to climb out of this hole.

I feel like my family has seen me give up on myself, and they don’t know what to do except accept it. I don’t know if they know who I am anymore. I make an effort to act like everything is okay, but the truth is I’ve given up the reigns on my life and I’m just aimlessly letting things happen and slip away from my grasp.

Why am I like this? Because I used to care too much, and it only hurt me. But this also hurts. It feels like when you’re ND and sub5, just a superficially undesirable person, there is no right choice. I feel paralyzed by fear and shame. I can’t move in any direction because I don’t see anything good coming from any of them.

I don’t know what this post is for but it feels kinda good and enlightening to talk about something for once. The truth is any advice you might have for me will be useless because by my nature I won’t ever implement it in my situation. A part of me that I hate wants to stagnate and lay down and give up, but I can’t cut this part off.

I guess one thing I realize is that when it comes to hating yourself, where is the distinction between choice and benefit? Insecurity fuels achievement. Self hatred is the igniter of making yourself better. But how do you take steps to build up your life when you know you don’t deserve it, and that you’re incapable, and that you’re afraid of the humilities that your Self might face? And regardless of these outcomes, how do you decide whether to hate or love yourself, when that decision is based on years of environment and development?

I think I allow myself to fail and live a life (or rather not live a life) I quietly dislike because nobody ever saw me for who I was, they only saw what was on the surface. This isn’t about blame, this is about a search for answers. I made many mistakes, but the first one in that chain was being born with such a bad combination of genes.

Nevertheless, nothing good comes out of escaping accountability. I want to foster the part of myself that craves a win against the odds, but I allow myself to get too pessimistic for my own good. I allow these things because I can’t fool myself for long

I hate myselfg too m8 this sucks and it sucks have a nice day

 

[CantEscape:(]

I hate myself. I hate my short jaw. I hate the look in my eyes I catch in the mirror. I hate that I can’t think of anything to say to people. I hate that I’m a pussy. I hate that I let myself stay this way.

Nothing feels real. I don’t get excited or genuinely happy for anything. I think back on the joy I felt on Christmas Eve when I was a blissfully unaware and naive child. I haven’t felt anything like that in a while. Nothing interests me because I’m cursed with the awareness of the type of person I am. I am everything I hate.

At some point this all is my fault, but I don’t know where exactly. I don’t do anything. I take classes and go to the gym, that’s my life. Zero interaction, zero hobbies, zero friends. I’m just waiting for my surgery consultation that’s coming up in a couple weeks. That’s what I do in my 12 hours of free time. I’m ashamed to admit all of this but I’m desperately trying anything to get the strength to climb out of this hole.

I feel like my family has seen me give up on myself, and they don’t know what to do except accept it. I don’t know if they know who I am anymore. I make an effort to act like everything is okay, but the truth is I’ve given up the reigns on my life and I’m just aimlessly letting things happen and slip away from my grasp.

Why am I like this? Because I used to care too much, and it only hurt me. But this also hurts. It feels like when you’re ND and sub5, just a superficially undesirable person, there is no right choice. I feel paralyzed by fear and shame. I can’t move in any direction because I don’t see anything good coming from any of them.

I don’t know what this post is for but it feels kinda good and enlightening to talk about something for once. The truth is any advice you might have for me will be useless because by my nature I won’t ever implement it in my situation. A part of me that I hate wants to stagnate and lay down and give up, but I can’t cut this part off.

I guess one thing I realize is that when it comes to hating yourself, where is the distinction between choice and benefit? Insecurity fuels achievement. Self hatred is the igniter of making yourself better. But how do you take steps to build up your life when you know you don’t deserve it, and that you’re incapable, and that you’re afraid of the humilities that your Self might face? And regardless of these outcomes, how do you decide whether to hate or love yourself, when that decision is based on years of environment and development?

I think I allow myself to fail and live a life (or rather not live a life) I quietly dislike because nobody ever saw me for who I was, they only saw what was on the surface. This isn’t about blame, this is about a search for answers. I made many mistakes, but the first one in that chain was being born with such a bad combination of genes.

Nevertheless, nothing good comes out of escaping accountability. I want to foster the part of myself that craves a win against the odds, but I allow myself to get too pessimistic for my own good. I allow these things because I can’t fool myself for long

Real

 

[popeyesniggle]

lowkey i don’t know about the looks shit cause i just got here but besides getting lean (take reta) there is one thing you can do that isn’t talked about on this website:
personality max. i know you can’t socialize but force yourself to; make it your goal to say something nice to 5 people every day and i would just do compliments and smiles to people walking past you outside of school.

train yourself to smile and look good while doing it in the mirror often, a good smile can change everything. watch some youtube shit about how to be social and charismatic. not being able to talk to people isn’t an uncommon problem.

also try to make friends in your gym—can be as simple as ‘how many sets do you have left? damn bro i see the tricep pump hell yeah’ and smile not complicated. a conversation will stem from that and you end up exchanging instas shits like cold approaching girls

then next time you’re going to the gym just ask the guy if he wants to come with

these bp looks is everything kids are gonna rape me for saying this shit but truth is looks really aren’t everything. it’s gonna be harder if you really are sub5 but it’s attainable. i’m like a hmtn—lhtn and i know literally PLENTY of ltns in my school who pull more than me. it’s not an anecdote—a SHIT TON of ltns pull more than htns and are treated better because they have good personalities, they make people laugh and they can talk to girls. best of luck to you bro

 

[Prøphet]

lowkey i don’t know about the looks shit cause i just got here but besides getting lean (take reta) there is one thing you can do that isn’t talked about on this website:
personality max. i know you can’t socialize but force yourself to; make it your goal to say something nice to 5 people every day and i would just do compliments and smiles to people walking past you outside of school.

train yourself to smile and look good while doing it in the mirror often, a good smile can change everything. watch some youtube shit about how to be social and charismatic. not being able to talk to people isn’t an uncommon problem.

also try to make friends in your gym—can be as simple as ‘how many sets do you have left? damn bro i see the tricep pump hell yeah’ and smile not complicated. a conversation will stem from that and you end up exchanging instas shits like cold approaching girls

then next time you’re going to the gym just ask the guy if he wants to come with

these bp looks is everything kids are gonna rape me for saying this shit but truth is looks really aren’t everything. it’s gonna be harder if you really are sub5 but it’s attainable. i’m like a hmtn—lhtn and i know literally PLENTY of ltns in my school who pull more than me. it’s not an anecdote—a SHIT TON of ltns pull more than htns and are treated better because they have good personalities, they make people laugh and they can talk to girls. best of luck to you bro

I appreciate the advice but I don’t think you understand how ugly I am. I’m literally crosseyed from a deformity in my eyea because one of my nerves never formed, and I’m so recessed I make any user here look like Gandy. But I will definitely apply your advice if my surgeries make me look at least human. So far from what I’ve tried no amount of effort or masking can make up for how uncomfortable and upset my face makes people

 

[Latinolooksmaxxer]

Just leanmaxx bro

 

[popeyesniggle]

I appreciate the advice but I don’t think you understand how ugly I am. I’m literally crosseyed from a deformity in my eyea because one of my nerves never formed, and I’m so recessed I make any user here look like Gandy. But I will definitely apply your advice if my surgeries make me look at least human. So far from what I’ve tried no amount of effort or masking can make up for how uncomfortable and upset my face makes people

oh shit bro i underestimated your self rating i thought you were exaggerating. shit. yeah i wouldn’t ever say surgery unless it was the only option but here i think you’re right in getting that consultation. yeah and like you said apply what i said after you get it

 

[popeyesniggle]

I appreciate the advice but I don’t think you understand how ugly I am. I’m literally crosseyed from a deformity in my eyea because one of my nerves never formed, and I’m so recessed I make any user here look like Gandy. But I will definitely apply your advice if my surgeries make me look at least human. So far from what I’ve tried no amount of effort or masking can make up for how uncomfortable and upset my face makes people

also how tall are you

 

[Prøphet]

also how tall are you

5’9, pretty brutal shit jfl

 

[popeyesniggle]

5’9, pretty brutal shit jfl

you’re brainwashed bro 5’9 isn’t brutal it’s average. make sure your posture is good and lowkey just say fuck it and wear lifts u can get some on temu or amazon. also wear air maxes or air forces whatever shoe gives you the most height. my friend is a little over 6f and he frauds up to 6’3 by making it look somewhat natural with low set baggy pants that reach just above his dick. try it bro you won’t look that disproportionate.

 

[Prøphet]

you’re brainwashed bro 5’9 isn’t brutal it’s average. make sure your posture is good and lowkey just say fuck it and wear lifts u can get some on temu or amazon. also wear air maxes or air forces whatever shoe gives you the most height. my friend is a little over 6f and he frauds up to 6’3 by making it look somewhat natural with low set baggy pants that reach just above his dick. try it bro you won’t look that disproportionate.View attachment 4516095

Yeah I wear 3s usually so I pass for 5’11, my height doesnt bother me that much it’s just my face tbh, but I appreciate the high effort advice g

 

[Deleted member 184012]

I hate myself. I hate my short jaw. I hate the look in my eyes I catch in the mirror. I hate that I can’t think of anything to say to people. I hate that I’m a pussy. I hate that I let myself stay this way.

Nothing feels real. I don’t get excited or genuinely happy for anything. I think back on the joy I felt on Christmas Eve when I was a blissfully unaware and naive child. I haven’t felt anything like that in a while. Nothing interests me because I’m cursed with the awareness of the type of person I am. I am everything I hate.

At some point this all is my fault, but I don’t know where exactly. I don’t do anything. I take classes and go to the gym, that’s my life. Zero interaction, zero hobbies, zero friends. I’m just waiting for my surgery consultation that’s coming up in a couple weeks. That’s what I do in my 12 hours of free time. I’m ashamed to admit all of this but I’m desperately trying anything to get the strength to climb out of this hole.

I feel like my family has seen me give up on myself, and they don’t know what to do except accept it. I don’t know if they know who I am anymore. I make an effort to act like everything is okay, but the truth is I’ve given up the reigns on my life and I’m just aimlessly letting things happen and slip away from my grasp.

Why am I like this? Because I used to care too much, and it only hurt me. But this also hurts. It feels like when you’re ND and sub5, just a superficially undesirable person, there is no right choice. I feel paralyzed by fear and shame. I can’t move in any direction because I don’t see anything good coming from any of them.

I don’t know what this post is for but it feels kinda good and enlightening to talk about something for once. The truth is any advice you might have for me will be useless because by my nature I won’t ever implement it in my situation. A part of me that I hate wants to stagnate and lay down and give up, but I can’t cut this part off.

I guess one thing I realize is that when it comes to hating yourself, where is the distinction between choice and benefit? Insecurity fuels achievement. Self hatred is the igniter of making yourself better. But how do you take steps to build up your life when you know you don’t deserve it, and that you’re incapable, and that you’re afraid of the humilities that your Self might face? And regardless of these outcomes, how do you decide whether to hate or love yourself, when that decision is based on years of environment and development?

I think I allow myself to fail and live a life (or rather not live a life) I quietly dislike because nobody ever saw me for who I was, they only saw what was on the surface. This isn’t about blame, this is about a search for answers. I made many mistakes, but the first one in that chain was being born with such a bad combination of genes.

Nevertheless, nothing good comes out of escaping accountability. I want to foster the part of myself that craves a win against the odds, but I allow myself to get too pessimistic for my own good. I allow these things because I can’t fool myself for long

Are you over stimulated by dopamine? Also it's up to you and only you

 

[popeyesniggle]

Yeah I wear 3s usually so I pass for 5’11, my height doesnt bother me that much it’s just my face tbh, but I appreciate the high effort advice g

thanks bro i get that based off how you described it id focus on face too