vinn98
The Apex Predator
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Andrii Shapovalov, 51, and Tetiana Shapovalova, 50, had a fantastic life together. They were married nearly 30 years, raised two sons and pursued careers that meant something to them — he as a psychotherapist working with drug addicts, she as an executive at a large ice cream company.
They separated that first day, as missiles slammed into Dnipro and shook their windows. Tetiana set off on a refugee odyssey. Andrii drifted through the empty rooms of their family home.
They would go on, like so many Ukrainian men and women, to experience the war very differently. Tetiana was thrust into a whole new world, discovering a new country, a new language and, in a shock to Andrii, a new boyfriend. Andrii found himself on the front lines counseling depressed soldiers and, for the first time since he was a teenager, living alone. He was effectively blocked by law from visiting his family.
Ninety percent of the eight million Ukrainian refugees have been women and children, and many women, married or not, do not plan to go back. They are moving on and developing new, entrenched lives.
Andrii: Those first few weeks were really hard. After all those years, waking up alone, in a cold bed, with nobody waiting for you? And it wasn’t just the distance. It was this absence of belief in tomorrow. I didn’t know if the Russian troops would come for us or not. I didn’t know if I’d be alive or not. But not a night passed when I didn’t dream about her.
A few weeks into her life as a refugee, Tetiana met a Finnish man. She said it was very difficult to bring this up with Andrii. She called him on the phone and said: “I don’t want to continue our relationship. I want a new place, a new relationship, a new everything. I want a new life.”
Andrii: I was driving a car at that moment. I felt like I was covered in boiling water. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I pulled over. Even after we got off the phone, I was trembling. I thought I was going crazy. I blamed the war, the Russians, our government, everyone around me.
I was surprised, yes, absolutely. I refused to believe it. I thought it was some flirtation and that it would end. But one night at the end of May, I called and texted her all day and she didn’t return my calls. I was awake all night. And then I understood: She’s with another man.
Tetiana: Since last August I’ve been living with someone else. My life’s flourishing. I’m not missing a thing. Maybe it’s trauma, maybe it’s not logical, but I really don’t want to come back to Ukraine and see all the changes. I don’t know why, but I’m not crying at all. Maybe later it will burn through me.
Andrii and Tetiana finalized their divorce in December. They haven’t seen each other since the first day of the war. Tetiana is studying Finnish and preparing to become a Finnish citizen. Andrii lives alone.
He spends much of his time working with soldiers struggling with drug and drinking problems, which he says have increased since the war started.
The other day, he took Tori, their newish dog, an intensely loyal Shar Pei, for a walk in a Dnipro park. Looking down at Tori, who was constantly looking up at him, he half-joked: “This is all that’s left of my family.”
How War Destroyed a ‘Long and Happy Marriage’ (Published 2023)
The conflict in Ukraine has split apart millions of families. The story of Andrii Shapovalov and Tetiana Shapovalova reveals how a couple’s bond can become a casualty.
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