cutie_pie
Geschsmacksverirrung
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2023
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A Letter/Rant that will never be sent to my roommate
To (roommate),
I’m writing this to you because I can’t say this out loud in person. I always fold to others' convictions because of my inner smallness. I want to say to you clearly in a direct way that is not through passive aggression or omission that I want you to move out. You have prayed upon my empathy, patience, generosity, and tolerance for abuse for too long. This house is happier when you are gone. You are like a miasma of looming pessimistic energy. A vampire grasping for my emotional labor seeking to drain me at any time. You are not kind to me. You never care about anything outside yourself in any practical way. You say you care about many things but I have yet to see you do anything about them. You say you care about the house being clean or about us communicating, but you never do anything about these issues. You know homelessness is an issue and that you might become homeless yourself and yet I don’t see you taking any community action. Your inner world is small and isolated. You are a part of a greater community of life and refuse to act like you are.
I dislike the way you take in information, process it, and view the world. Everything about your ego as it is, is inefficient, self centered, and ultimately harmful to yourself and everyone around you. The reason I have not kicked you out is because I wanted to tell myself that it’s easier to just let you exist as a negative weight in my life than to create negativity myself by standing up for my mental health and well-being. The only thing that really held me back is the fact that you’re dating (my old friend). He is a good person. But I cannot sacrifice my sanity for a friendship that lives in memory and not active reciprocity. You treat myself, my family, and my house badly. You don’t know how to build up good will so instead you must use manipulative ways of sustaining yourself. I don’t want you in my life anymore because your existence in proximity to mine lowers the quality of my life. Everyone who I’ve told how you treat me, my house, and my family all ask me why I have not kicked you out sooner. I always say it’s because “she’s dating my friend”. But that’s not the whole truth. I’m just shitty at standing up for myself. This letter is me trying to do better.
Everything happens to you. You give nothing good to the world and wonder why nothing good comes to you. The way you understand the world is fundamentally flawed and self destructive. If I used your logic for a week you would have been gone much sooner than this. I pay for both the cats food and litter. I pay for the internet, household cleaning products, and toilet paper. I mop the floor and sweep it too. My food is open to you. I let you rant uncontested about utter nonsense. I stopped disagreeing with you and just started shutting up because you will never admit that I am right or that you don’t have the base knowledge to understand my arguments. I stopped offering advice unsolicited. I walk on eggshells to not upset you. I let you be angry at me so you can feel like you have the high ground. I tried to help you navigate USA jobs. I don’t shower, clean, or do dishes at midnight or 6am when it would be most convenient to clean because I don’t want you to blame me for your lack of sleep and causing you seizures. I cleaned up your messes and buy you food or snacks when you physically or mentally feel down. I’ve been doing the work of a partner, parent, and housekeeper for you for too long. I don’t even like you but it is my nature and how I was raised to help those in need. You always need something or someone. So I just happened to become your helpful punching bag that you get to feel self righteous about knocking down.
You sometimes try to be normal and kind. But when you do it’s merely an anomaly that is quickly overtaken by your need to be the center. When I was broken down crying on the floor from physical and mental exhaustion you barated me with aggressive unsolicited advice and would not stop when I asked you to. Then, when I spoke louder in distress you said, “I don’t need to be yelled at.” And stormed off. You don’t listen. You merely hear just enough before talking about yourself, your experience, your woes (which are always greater than mine) then proceed to tell me “I’m just trying to make you feel unalone and relate to you.” This is in fact just a strategy to make yourself a victim, the center of attention, or seem helpful, better than.
My pain is always secondary because you don’t care about me. When you pretend to, it hurts the both of us. I started blocking your emotional manipulation by simply trying to cut off as much emotional contact as possible. Every sentence I say can end the conversation. As you are the only one who has repeatedly emotionally drained me and somehow also made me the bad guy, you are the only one who I act this way around. Your constant anger has traumatized me and closed off my heart to you. Any empathy I ever had for you was taken advantage of because you felt entitled to it and now my well is dry. You’ve made the world worse for me despite my every attempt to neutralize the situation. I’m fooling myself when I think you can be amicable at times. I’ve just learned how to walk around your distressing ways. I have privately cried wishing you would just go away on your own. But wishing didn’t work as a child and it certainly won’t work now.
I have empathy still for the essence of your humanity. I know you are the best of your awful family. Relatively speaking you are a very reasonable person. As close to objective as I can get, you are greatly lacking in many vital mental skills and wisdom that would allow a person to live peacefully with others long term. I see your problems as clearly as I see the clouds in the sky and I feel them as crisply as freshly fallen snow on bare feet. I cannot help you. You do not want my help, my wisdom, or my happiness. Instead of developing ways to move forward in your journey away from your tortured past you ask others to step onto the brutal landscape of your mind with you in some kind of sadomasochistic solidarity.
You never see the good side of things. You never live in the present moment. You are rude and inconsiderate. You are never grateful for mine, my familles generosity, or the generosity of earth and life itself. You are not working toward a better world, only the image of what you think a better you would look like. It’s exhausting to be around you. Your voice is a direct reflection of your inner self and your voice might as well be nails on a chalkboard to me now. You expect so much from me. Paying for your cat's food and litter at no cost to you. Why? Because I care about (your cat). If I selfishly only bought food and litter for (my cat) you would long ago had to relinquish (your cat). You live a better life because I make it better. No matter how much you antagonize me in your mind I do materially help you often. I support you in ways invisible to your entitled eye and I get abuse in return. This is fundamentally uncondonable. I wish you growth and happiness anywhere but here. You need to leave this house. Go anywhere you want. It is not my problem if you don’t find a place to go no matter how much you want it to be my problem. I can take care of (your cat) until you find a place that will have her. This is a direct result of your accumulated trespasses against the peace and wellness of this house, my mental health, and my family.
End.
For context my parents are my landlords and I do pay rent. She wanted to sue my dad at one point (but never did) because he had to raise rent on us because everything is getting more expensive. The raise was from $400/mo rent to $500/mo rent for a room that’s worth $600/mo in todays market. Also she doesn’t live under an official lease or contract. She just lives here via. Verbal agreement.
To (roommate),
I’m writing this to you because I can’t say this out loud in person. I always fold to others' convictions because of my inner smallness. I want to say to you clearly in a direct way that is not through passive aggression or omission that I want you to move out. You have prayed upon my empathy, patience, generosity, and tolerance for abuse for too long. This house is happier when you are gone. You are like a miasma of looming pessimistic energy. A vampire grasping for my emotional labor seeking to drain me at any time. You are not kind to me. You never care about anything outside yourself in any practical way. You say you care about many things but I have yet to see you do anything about them. You say you care about the house being clean or about us communicating, but you never do anything about these issues. You know homelessness is an issue and that you might become homeless yourself and yet I don’t see you taking any community action. Your inner world is small and isolated. You are a part of a greater community of life and refuse to act like you are.
I dislike the way you take in information, process it, and view the world. Everything about your ego as it is, is inefficient, self centered, and ultimately harmful to yourself and everyone around you. The reason I have not kicked you out is because I wanted to tell myself that it’s easier to just let you exist as a negative weight in my life than to create negativity myself by standing up for my mental health and well-being. The only thing that really held me back is the fact that you’re dating (my old friend). He is a good person. But I cannot sacrifice my sanity for a friendship that lives in memory and not active reciprocity. You treat myself, my family, and my house badly. You don’t know how to build up good will so instead you must use manipulative ways of sustaining yourself. I don’t want you in my life anymore because your existence in proximity to mine lowers the quality of my life. Everyone who I’ve told how you treat me, my house, and my family all ask me why I have not kicked you out sooner. I always say it’s because “she’s dating my friend”. But that’s not the whole truth. I’m just shitty at standing up for myself. This letter is me trying to do better.
Everything happens to you. You give nothing good to the world and wonder why nothing good comes to you. The way you understand the world is fundamentally flawed and self destructive. If I used your logic for a week you would have been gone much sooner than this. I pay for both the cats food and litter. I pay for the internet, household cleaning products, and toilet paper. I mop the floor and sweep it too. My food is open to you. I let you rant uncontested about utter nonsense. I stopped disagreeing with you and just started shutting up because you will never admit that I am right or that you don’t have the base knowledge to understand my arguments. I stopped offering advice unsolicited. I walk on eggshells to not upset you. I let you be angry at me so you can feel like you have the high ground. I tried to help you navigate USA jobs. I don’t shower, clean, or do dishes at midnight or 6am when it would be most convenient to clean because I don’t want you to blame me for your lack of sleep and causing you seizures. I cleaned up your messes and buy you food or snacks when you physically or mentally feel down. I’ve been doing the work of a partner, parent, and housekeeper for you for too long. I don’t even like you but it is my nature and how I was raised to help those in need. You always need something or someone. So I just happened to become your helpful punching bag that you get to feel self righteous about knocking down.
You sometimes try to be normal and kind. But when you do it’s merely an anomaly that is quickly overtaken by your need to be the center. When I was broken down crying on the floor from physical and mental exhaustion you barated me with aggressive unsolicited advice and would not stop when I asked you to. Then, when I spoke louder in distress you said, “I don’t need to be yelled at.” And stormed off. You don’t listen. You merely hear just enough before talking about yourself, your experience, your woes (which are always greater than mine) then proceed to tell me “I’m just trying to make you feel unalone and relate to you.” This is in fact just a strategy to make yourself a victim, the center of attention, or seem helpful, better than.
My pain is always secondary because you don’t care about me. When you pretend to, it hurts the both of us. I started blocking your emotional manipulation by simply trying to cut off as much emotional contact as possible. Every sentence I say can end the conversation. As you are the only one who has repeatedly emotionally drained me and somehow also made me the bad guy, you are the only one who I act this way around. Your constant anger has traumatized me and closed off my heart to you. Any empathy I ever had for you was taken advantage of because you felt entitled to it and now my well is dry. You’ve made the world worse for me despite my every attempt to neutralize the situation. I’m fooling myself when I think you can be amicable at times. I’ve just learned how to walk around your distressing ways. I have privately cried wishing you would just go away on your own. But wishing didn’t work as a child and it certainly won’t work now.
I have empathy still for the essence of your humanity. I know you are the best of your awful family. Relatively speaking you are a very reasonable person. As close to objective as I can get, you are greatly lacking in many vital mental skills and wisdom that would allow a person to live peacefully with others long term. I see your problems as clearly as I see the clouds in the sky and I feel them as crisply as freshly fallen snow on bare feet. I cannot help you. You do not want my help, my wisdom, or my happiness. Instead of developing ways to move forward in your journey away from your tortured past you ask others to step onto the brutal landscape of your mind with you in some kind of sadomasochistic solidarity.
You never see the good side of things. You never live in the present moment. You are rude and inconsiderate. You are never grateful for mine, my familles generosity, or the generosity of earth and life itself. You are not working toward a better world, only the image of what you think a better you would look like. It’s exhausting to be around you. Your voice is a direct reflection of your inner self and your voice might as well be nails on a chalkboard to me now. You expect so much from me. Paying for your cat's food and litter at no cost to you. Why? Because I care about (your cat). If I selfishly only bought food and litter for (my cat) you would long ago had to relinquish (your cat). You live a better life because I make it better. No matter how much you antagonize me in your mind I do materially help you often. I support you in ways invisible to your entitled eye and I get abuse in return. This is fundamentally uncondonable. I wish you growth and happiness anywhere but here. You need to leave this house. Go anywhere you want. It is not my problem if you don’t find a place to go no matter how much you want it to be my problem. I can take care of (your cat) until you find a place that will have her. This is a direct result of your accumulated trespasses against the peace and wellness of this house, my mental health, and my family.
End.
For context my parents are my landlords and I do pay rent. She wanted to sue my dad at one point (but never did) because he had to raise rent on us because everything is getting more expensive. The raise was from $400/mo rent to $500/mo rent for a room that’s worth $600/mo in todays market. Also she doesn’t live under an official lease or contract. She just lives here via. Verbal agreement.
