JFL you didn't have self control if what I am reading in your thread is correct.
so much missed social milestones growing up and the social isolation i’ve experienced in general fucked me up. to be honest, looking back, i never had a ‘normal childhood’ with the kinds of shit that went down in my household. it’s really hard to be ‘nt’ when you don’t meet the looks threshold to form normal relationships. i never had any friends growing up, i don’t really know what it felt like to be a ‘teenager.’ there’s this thing that’s been stuck in the back of my mind for years now that i shouldn’t socialize or talk to people until i’m at my best of the best, fully softmaxxed maybe. it’s been like this for a long time. just the uneven high pitched tone of my voice, the random outbursts of dry crying, all that shit piled up and made me like this. i really do wish i could be that new person i was without the ‘high’ part maybe this time without speaking unfiltered, just actually making friends, establishing real relationships, real connections. even acquaintances would’ve been enough. it just hurts thinking about how far behind i am, how much of life i’ve already missed out on. makes me feel like even if i fix everything externally, the damage inside is already done. i’m already mentally fucked for being on this forum. ethnicity failo, height failo, non nt failo, no one wants to be around someone like this even if i did try to ‘socialize.’ i’m just tolerated at most, pitied at worst. genetic anomalies like me are fated to die alone, have no friends, no connections. no matter how hard i try, how much i ‘improve,’ how many fake smiles i put on, it doesn’t change my foundation. im not meant to be liked. im not meant to be chosen. im just something people tolerate when they’re bored or feeling charitable
i doubt i was laced, if i was i’d probably be picking fights with security guards or getting physical with people. didn’t feel that kind of rage or psychosis. seller was just some underground dude, not really that well known but a few people vouched for him. everyone’s body just reacts differently to it and i’m fully responsible over the things i said while i was on it, fully aware of what i did and the decisions i made. no excuses. i wasn’t blacked out, i wasn’t possessed, it was just me without a filter
Holy lightweight
i figured there’s some correlation with my low bodyweight with the way i reacted to it. shit probably hit way harder than it was supposed to
weed isn't even hard to control tbh
yeah, i do plan on going for it again. i'll have much better control this time compared to before, i think it's just the first few hours with the ringing and headaches that got to me
I don't really get withdrawls at all from weed personally
weed, personally, is the best and worst thing to ever exist that i’ve experienced. the good parts outweigh the bad parts if you know what you’re doing. just the ability to talk to anyone, do just about anything you want to, fear receptors are basically blocked. you feel more confident, free, maybe sluggish in movement, but it'll get better over time when you're aware of what exactly you're doing. i just wish i had more control over my body, my movement, the tone and pitch of my voice, the things i said. i would've made great acquaintances with just about anyone i encountered. my first encounter with it was unfortunately a fuck up, just saying embarrassing shit, unable to really control my body and the 'lag' feeling
i’m a genetic anomaly. i’m not larping and don’t gain anything from larping as my username. i still get asked to show my id around staff on campus, still get mistaken as a child with my disgustingly short height. it’s humiliating. people like me don’t really go outside a lot with how much of an embarrassment, a genetic failure we are. we only go out for work, classes, maybe if food’s running out. everyone’s first time with things like this does seem to turn out really bad. the mind and body just aren’t used to what we’re feeling, really, leading to saying things out of the norm
i kinda had that tiny hope that they’d look at me as a ‘companion’ of some sort, just a ‘friend’ maybe. it’s funny what little social interaction does to me. makes me all desperate and hopeful, thinking they wanna be friends with me, when deep down i know it’s just my brain latching onto anything that feels like it could be real connection. years of loneliness does that to you when people start talking to you in person. i’m just not used to it, so i get all excited and start reading into things too much. i’m just another weird moment from their perspective and then they forget about it as soon as they walk away, maybe laugh about it in their personal social gatherings or group chat
