sørenyuko
183cm hmtn finn
- Joined
- Sep 29, 2026
- Posts
- 1,506
- Reputation
- 1,539
i know its because im a locationcel and in 8 months when i move out i'd get to see the world and all but im giving up, i can't take it anymore its completely over because i dont wanna have to put effort into getting this
this should've been an obvious constant around me all the time that i take for granted
im forced to want these things, every deficit increases risks for chronic diseases and makes me feel worse in general
when something is a urgent necessity, has a timer or gives me side effects if i dont get it, it makes it lose all appeal for me
its not fun anymore if im punished for not having something, its supposed to be a fun natural thing not a forced struggle
coerced fun isnt real fun
i need to be able to be okay even if i withdraw
i can't function to my fullest potential here
i need to be free of these pressures to have a safe learning environment and give my genuine self to the world
i wouldve wanted to be nurtured into it throughout my life with a carefully constructed timeline where they make sure i get all developemental milestones with a shielded path and a network around me at all times
i ruined myself with writing about my fantasyland where i direct my ideal social life like a director, its nothing crazy though
my fantasy is literally just existing in the same room together, even the arguments and bad days, mundane stuff, the only distinction with my fantasy characters in my notebook is we fall asleep together wrapped around eachother at the end of the day, i get to decide their every action, reaction to me and inner thoughts and theyre safely frozen when im gone and have no free will outside my script where i dictate their inner thoughts and theyre 100% pure devoted pleasure objects for me
im completely done pretending i want any normal paths to it anymore
social life handed to me on a diamond platter in a sandbox realm where i dictate everything or nothing
or at least i dont wanna get into the unpredictable vending machine as a vulnerable nobody, im gonna establish my status first with my authorship once i've finished my novel and hopefully gotten some prestige from it, then get into every social situation with that buff
but i dont feel depressed or beat down either, i have big ambitions and hopes in life, only distinction is i want it my way or no way at all
when social interactions are forced out of necessity they dont generate enriching material, and i dont wanna do it by my own will anymore, only someone choosing me first i would accept
so how am i not wrapped in a impossible purgatory, this really is it, what could possibly stop this when no one will scoop me up under their wing to nurture me
i refuse to use copes to numb it out though
no intellectualization, no sour grapes fallacy, it does hurt, it is beautiful and valuable, i do want it, and i can never ever get it, no romanticization to filter it, no rationalization to brush it off, only the raw pain of the pieces not clicking together in my painfully unoptimized situation.
so with this ultimatum, its fully set, only isolation ahead for the rest of my life
this should've been an obvious constant around me all the time that i take for granted
im forced to want these things, every deficit increases risks for chronic diseases and makes me feel worse in general
when something is a urgent necessity, has a timer or gives me side effects if i dont get it, it makes it lose all appeal for me
its not fun anymore if im punished for not having something, its supposed to be a fun natural thing not a forced struggle
coerced fun isnt real fun
i need to be able to be okay even if i withdraw
i can't function to my fullest potential here
i need to be free of these pressures to have a safe learning environment and give my genuine self to the world
i wouldve wanted to be nurtured into it throughout my life with a carefully constructed timeline where they make sure i get all developemental milestones with a shielded path and a network around me at all times
i ruined myself with writing about my fantasyland where i direct my ideal social life like a director, its nothing crazy though
my fantasy is literally just existing in the same room together, even the arguments and bad days, mundane stuff, the only distinction with my fantasy characters in my notebook is we fall asleep together wrapped around eachother at the end of the day, i get to decide their every action, reaction to me and inner thoughts and theyre safely frozen when im gone and have no free will outside my script where i dictate their inner thoughts and theyre 100% pure devoted pleasure objects for me
im completely done pretending i want any normal paths to it anymore
social life handed to me on a diamond platter in a sandbox realm where i dictate everything or nothing
or at least i dont wanna get into the unpredictable vending machine as a vulnerable nobody, im gonna establish my status first with my authorship once i've finished my novel and hopefully gotten some prestige from it, then get into every social situation with that buff
but i dont feel depressed or beat down either, i have big ambitions and hopes in life, only distinction is i want it my way or no way at all
when social interactions are forced out of necessity they dont generate enriching material, and i dont wanna do it by my own will anymore, only someone choosing me first i would accept
so how am i not wrapped in a impossible purgatory, this really is it, what could possibly stop this when no one will scoop me up under their wing to nurture me
i refuse to use copes to numb it out though
no intellectualization, no sour grapes fallacy, it does hurt, it is beautiful and valuable, i do want it, and i can never ever get it, no romanticization to filter it, no rationalization to brush it off, only the raw pain of the pieces not clicking together in my painfully unoptimized situation.
so with this ultimatum, its fully set, only isolation ahead for the rest of my life
Nigger it’s not an insult
