The Dude Abides
ASCENSION OR DEATH
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2019
- Posts
- 3,680
- Reputation
- 3,680
Even though its 4 am and this happened yesterday Im going to keep saying today because I haven't slept and I need to tell it as it happened because it just feels as one long day.
Its seems every problem I fix, I just discover a new one. Feelings of regret from growing up and not tackling any problem head on. Through it all I never once thought about suicide even though I've been in some dark places mentally. My desire to overcome is too great and even right now with what just happened I still feel determined to make something of myself. I've been living with thoughts that haunt me and sometimes no matter how good im doing, they win and I fall into despair. Sometimes I dont sleep or eat or I sleep all day. Today was different. I refused to give in like before, I spent all morning without sleep making a plan. I drank a lot coffee because I wasn't going to sleep until I had everything setup. I was also following it as I was making it. I knew before what I needed to do but could never finish and it would stack up and I couldn't proceed until yesterdays work was done. But today felt right.
I got so much done with an attitude that no matter how much mental anguish I was in, I would just go through the movements and get it done. I felt like my future was bright for once.
Today my dad killed himself. I wish I could talk to him at least one more time. He was not doing good for a long time but he was never weak, I would have never thought he would do something like this. He hasnt been himself for a long time and his body was getting frail from prescription drugs that screwed up his mind and his health. hes had recent deaths on his side of the family as well. I tried for over a year to help but he had his own way doing things and I would get frustrated and snap. I was so mean to him at times and I just wish I could take it back. I just wish I could say sorry and I love you dad.
Its seems every problem I fix, I just discover a new one. Feelings of regret from growing up and not tackling any problem head on. Through it all I never once thought about suicide even though I've been in some dark places mentally. My desire to overcome is too great and even right now with what just happened I still feel determined to make something of myself. I've been living with thoughts that haunt me and sometimes no matter how good im doing, they win and I fall into despair. Sometimes I dont sleep or eat or I sleep all day. Today was different. I refused to give in like before, I spent all morning without sleep making a plan. I drank a lot coffee because I wasn't going to sleep until I had everything setup. I was also following it as I was making it. I knew before what I needed to do but could never finish and it would stack up and I couldn't proceed until yesterdays work was done. But today felt right.
I got so much done with an attitude that no matter how much mental anguish I was in, I would just go through the movements and get it done. I felt like my future was bright for once.
Today my dad killed himself. I wish I could talk to him at least one more time. He was not doing good for a long time but he was never weak, I would have never thought he would do something like this. He hasnt been himself for a long time and his body was getting frail from prescription drugs that screwed up his mind and his health. hes had recent deaths on his side of the family as well. I tried for over a year to help but he had his own way doing things and I would get frustrated and snap. I was so mean to him at times and I just wish I could take it back. I just wish I could say sorry and I love you dad.