ranierean
D-9999
- Joined
- Jul 1, 2023
- Posts
- 3,401
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I keep obsessing over the reasons Why I Am Like This and I think that I’m finally closing in on figuring it out.
There was a window in my life where I was still young enough to be considered cute and naive by most teens, but also old enough to actually want attention from girls.
It worked shockingly well both ways: I got what I wanted; they got what I wanted.
I miss her.
There’s ambiguity, there’s subtlety. It’s an ersatz older sister, maybe, but it’s definitely not an ersatz mommy, though she easily could’ve been one.
It’s an age gap dynamic that makes sense. She’s cooler than me, she’s smarter, she's taller, she knows everything – it’s all effortless, but she’s not so at my expense.
She says, “I’m already seeing someone, you know”, and in any other context it would be a point of contention but here it’s actually funny. She has her world and I have mine, we’re parallel beings, but we get to be together at school, in summer camp, on that vacant lot in the neighborhood, whatever…
It’s not going to last and it’s not going to lead anywhere real, but it’s okay, I wouldn’t want it any other way. There’s an ideal scenario to all this where we just drive into the sun before hormones destroy both of us. It begins again in a new lifetime, but I’m still here, which means that there’s an “after” – one giant farce. I will tell this to a therapist and maybe type this out to an Indian incel forum as if… as if there’s someone out there who can get it… No.
What is there to look forward to? I don’t want to play dollhouse with an Equal, I don’t want to be gawked at by a human cat or a human cow, I don’t need a “home” – I need her.
There was a window in my life where I was still young enough to be considered cute and naive by most teens, but also old enough to actually want attention from girls.
It worked shockingly well both ways: I got what I wanted; they got what I wanted.
I miss her.
There’s ambiguity, there’s subtlety. It’s an ersatz older sister, maybe, but it’s definitely not an ersatz mommy, though she easily could’ve been one.
It’s an age gap dynamic that makes sense. She’s cooler than me, she’s smarter, she's taller, she knows everything – it’s all effortless, but she’s not so at my expense.
She says, “I’m already seeing someone, you know”, and in any other context it would be a point of contention but here it’s actually funny. She has her world and I have mine, we’re parallel beings, but we get to be together at school, in summer camp, on that vacant lot in the neighborhood, whatever…
It’s not going to last and it’s not going to lead anywhere real, but it’s okay, I wouldn’t want it any other way. There’s an ideal scenario to all this where we just drive into the sun before hormones destroy both of us. It begins again in a new lifetime, but I’m still here, which means that there’s an “after” – one giant farce. I will tell this to a therapist and maybe type this out to an Indian incel forum as if… as if there’s someone out there who can get it… No.
What is there to look forward to? I don’t want to play dollhouse with an Equal, I don’t want to be gawked at by a human cat or a human cow, I don’t need a “home” – I need her.
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